No Action Party To Uphold Status Quo
by K. K. Cheow

A new political party was launched yesterday:- the No Action Party, who will run on a platform of supporting the status quo. 

"Face it," said Party Chairman Dr. Choe Boh Lan, an unemployed NUS philosophy grad. "All the political parties other than the PAP have failed to make headway because they were opposition parties.  Whereas we're a proposition party!"

Launched at a kopi tiam in Bukit Gorblok Central, the No Action Party (NAP) will embark on what is billed as "an aggressive campaign of passivity." 

"Look, we must admit the PAP has done very well for Singapore, with all this economic progress," said Dr. Choe, stirring his ice Milo. "Yet the people are demanding other parties in parliament.  However, these other parties are not making it into Parliament because the PAP keeps cracking down on them because of their opposing views."

"However, we believe the NAP can satisfy both the public's demand for a non-PAP party in Parliament as well as the PAP's restriction on dissent," beamed Dr. Choe, chomping into a tau sar pao.

When asked what the difference then was between voting PAP and NAP, Dr. Choe said, "The PAP wants to continue doing things - they are all damn action, one.  We just want to turn off our brains and go along for the ride, hence our name."

"In fact," Dr. Choe continued. "We actually believe that because of this, we reflect the beliefs of the majority of Singaporeans more accurately than the PAP. Nobody represents voter apathy better than the No Action Party."

When pressed for what made them qualified to be members of parliament, Dr. Choe replied, "It's clear that we have the necessary abilities. Have you ever watched televised parliament sessions, and you can see these MPs in the back dozing off? We can do that, no problem."

Dr. Choe then said that they had intended to present their Manifesto as well as launch their website today, but that "frankly, it was too leceh."

The NAP will be embarking on their pre-election campaign soon, "provided got time or that there's nothing on TV", yawned Dr. Choe. "Has the new season of 'Buffy' started yet?"

TalkingCock will follow the NAP's campaign trail over the coming weeks in the run up to the election, so stay tuned!

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved. 
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Singapore Mediates Between US and China: Suggests Chee Ku Pak
by Pak Cham Kai

As the chair of the United Nations Security Council, Singapore has volunteered to mediate between the US and China in the growing tension arising out of the spy plane collision over Hainan Island. "As a friend of both nations, we believe we can help them to resolve their dispute in a constructive manner," said UN Ambassador Mr. Eastshore Babumahni. "For example, through a game of chee ku pak." 

Singapore's tenure on the Security Council has been marked by its series of innovative and uniquely Singaporean approaches to solving international problems.  

For instance, many UN members still recall when Singapore proposed several months ago that the Israeli-Palestinian violence be resolved through playing National University of Singapore icebreaker games like Whacko, Chek Chek Golek and Blow Wind Blow. (see archived story)

"It's a pity that our suggestion was never given a chance," said Mr. Babumahni. "I really think a round of hitting each other over the head with a rolled up newspaper would have prevented the escalation of violence."

However, Mr. Babumahni says that the Spy Plane debacle offers Singapore a second chance to try out their innovative dispute resolution techniques.

"Both parties are looking for quick closure, and are open to compromise," he said. "And chee ku pak is ideal because it's a fast game where both parties can walk away having scored points."

"It's... interesting," said State Department spokesman Dick Lomatik. "While it departs severely from standard State Department procedure, at this stage, relations are so tense that we're willing to try anything."

In fact, it seems that President George W. Bush himself is keen on the plan. Said Mr. Lomatik, "The President is impressed with the elegance and simplicity of the Singapore proposal and has issued the following statement: 'Heck, it's the only darned thing ya'll have sent me that I can understand, and if I can get it, then so should the Chinks.' Accordingly, he has tasked Vice-President Cheney and Secretary of State Colin Powell to look into the matter while he tends to more pressing matters of state, like the 4th of July White House Barbecue."

Apparently, US Vice-President Cheney and Secretary of State Colin Powell are already conducting trial runs of the game, assisted by representatives of the Singapore Mission in Washington. 

"They're fast learners," said First Secretary Yong Chew Sng. "The only thing they're having trouble with is pronouncing 'pak', which they keep pronouncing 'pack' instead of 'pah'."

On the Chinese front, President Jiang Zemin has also expressed a cautious welcome to the Singapore initiative.

"We are gratified that our cousins in Singapore have managed to convince the American imperialists to agree to solution in accordance with Asian, face-saving principles," said PRC spokesman Shou Henkuai.

In fact, President Jiang is said to be adept at the game, and is now in training with the top chee ku pak masters in the country, in order to prepare for the upcoming summit.

"There are a number of variant styles used by cheekupak masters in China," said Mr. Shou.  "For instance, there is the Ku Pak Chee style preferred by the Northern School, and the Pak Ku Chee style which is more popular amongst the Uighurs. And the President intends to master them all."

However, there has also been a certain amount of skepticism about how effective a hand-game will be in solving complex geopolitical disputes.

"It remains to be seen whether cheekupak is a viable alternative to the UN General Assembly or the International Court of Justice in the Hague," said Professor Jus Cogens,  Professor of Public International Law at Terra Nullius University. 

"We believe chee ku pak will make positive contributions to the development of international dispute resolution," responded Mr. Babumahni. "But of course, we're not keeping all our eggs in one basket.  If chee ku pak doesn't work, we will propose lom chiam pas as a contingency."

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Shaolin Monk Debate Settled By Gongfu Battle
by Kway Png

The promoters of rival Shaolin warrior monk performances have settled their dispute - by a gongfu duel in Bukit Gombak.

"I guess it was the only appropriate way to decide this," said Mr. Jiao Hentong, a spokesman for Simon Foo Productions, who had had engaged a troupe of Shaolin monks for a performance through China's state-owned subsidiary, Beijing International Cultural Exchange Centre.  

However, representatives from the Shaolin Temple in Songshan, China who had been signed by Mr. Leong Mun Kwai for a separate performance, accused Mr. Foo's 'original Shaolin masters' of being fakes.

The settlement discussions began at 8 am at the void deck of Bukit Gorblok Block 6969 when Wu Toufa, Mr. Foo's negotiator, began by hurtling through the air with a 'squatting chicken turgid tapir' manouevre.

Ti Daoguang, Mr. Leong's negotiator responded with a round of 'scratching monkey constipated rabbit' moves.

The two dueling monks then proceeded to scamper up the walls of Block 6969, jumping from laundry pole to laundry pole, much to the annoyance of housewife Mrs. Chin Lah Sup.

"Aiyah, I just wash my clothes only and these bleddy woh siong go and step on my panties!" she said rather huffily.

The two pugilistic priests then flew in a series of rapid tumbles into a coffee shop where they engaged in a two minute 'wanking turtle syphilitic buffalo' sparring exercise, involving, variously, the hurling of coffee cups and piping hot pieces of kaya toast at each other.

Mr. Koh Pee Theam, 78, the operator of the coffee shop was incensed by the intrusion of the clashing clerics, especially when he was arrested by the police for not having the requisite public entertainment licence.

Meanwhile, bystander Mr. Quah Kong Foo, 24, observed that the melee was "very different from what you see on the VCDs. For one thing, their movements are not pixelised."

The fighting friars then leapt out of the coffee shop, onto the roof of a nearby bus stop, where they exchanged a round of 'tickling mantis flatulent earthworm' kicks. 

Commented schoolboy Tan Khoo Ku, who had been waiting for the No. 969 bus, "This is much better than all the condemn things MediaCorp shows on their TVMobile service."

The punching padres next moved on to the Bukit Gorblok Market where Wu Toufa used his legs to kick a flurry of durians at Ti Daoguang, who deflected the thorny fruit using a pig's leg from Mr. Ter Bak Chek's butcher stall.  

Ti Daoguang then pivoted on his heels to grab two meat hooks, and rushed at Wu Toufa, hooks scratching menacingly in the air.  Reacting, Wu did several twelve foot somersaults, ricocheted off a corner fan, then grabbed two handfuls of handmade noodles, which he then proceeded to use in an (unsuccessful) attempt to garrote Ti.

By this time, a large crowd had gathered to follow the antics of the Shaolin monks. 

"It's so authentic! Why, I feel like one of those bystander care-lair-fairs you see in the period gongfu flicks," smiled Mr. Khee Kua Hee, 45, stroking his chin-length eyebrows. 

Eventually, after sixteen minutes of uninterrupted 'groping chichak grotesque cockroach' skirmishing (accompanied by the crowd's cries of 'bssh!', 'bssh!' and occasionally, 'a-bssh!' with every blow), the negotiations were brought to an end by Mr. Foo and Mr. Leong, the rival organisers.

"We have reached a settlement that is in both parties' interests," said  Mr. Leong. "And that is to have these negotiations every year, except in a proper venue, where we can charge admission."

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Gahmen Unveils New Rally Procedure
by K. K. Cheow and Dan Kok

Following the application of Stink Centre to stage a rally in support of opposition politicians, the gahmen has issued detailed procedural guidelines on the organisation of such events.

Stink Centre, best known for their pungent April Fool's pranks, is an independent political organisation which aims to make Singaporeans wonder if something doesn't smell quite right in the republic.  

Recently, they applied to stage a special event in aid of veteran opposition politicians - STOP (Save The Opposition Parties). 

However, this proved to be an extremely complicated matter, and Stink Centre found themselves face-to-face with many byzantine bureacratic hurdles, all of which threatened to stop STOP in its tracks.

Eventually, however, STOP was allowed to go on. The gahmen has also issued a detailed booklet on how such events are to be organised from now on.

"This is all in the interests of showing that the gahmen is fair, democratic and tolerant of dissenting views as long as procedures are complied with," said Ministry of Political Supervision spokesman Mr. Moh Nee Ter.

"And no, this has nothing to do whatsoever with the fact that elections are imminent," he added, causing many foreign broadcasters to put down the microphones that they had suddenly raised an instant ago.

The procedure will be as follows:

1. Applicants who wish to organise a political event must first wonder whether it's worth the effort, bearing in mind that everyone makes a mistake in their income tax returns.

2. Next, applicants must submit a licence application to every single Ministry, just in case there's something the Gahmen hasn't thought of yet.

3. Applicants will then receive a rejection from every single Ministry, saying the event falls under the purview of some other Ministry.

4. Applicants who somehow manage to find a correct Ministry, and cite reasons in the Straits Times Forum page, may then receive approval, subject to police authorisation.

5. Applicants will then receive a rejection by the police.

6. After several more letters to the Forum page and kaopeh-ing on internet newsgroups, applicants will then receive a grudging, although unflinchingly polite, response from the police asking for a site inspection.

7. Applicants should also apply for a licence under the Public Entertainment and Meetings Act, as opposition activities are normally viewed as laughable events and entertainment press fodder. 

8. If fund-raising is an aim of the event, it is not allowed unless a licence is obtained under the House-to-House, Door-to-Door, Flat-to-Flat, Office-to-Office, Street-to-Street Collections Act.  And in any event, one is not permitted to say one desires funds.  Donors are expected to read applicants' minds.

9. The sale of merchandise such as books, stickers and tee-shirts at the event will require a permit from the Environment Ministry's hawkers' department, a clearance from the Censorship Board, approval from the Patent Office, a GST registration and an audit by PriceWaterhouseCoopers. Also, purchasers of merchandise must show a valid Singapore IC or passport at the time of purchase to ensure that no foreign funds go towards the applicants.

10. The erection of banners is permissible only with a licence from the Ministry of National Development's building control division, an endorsement from the Fire Department, quality rating from the Non-toxic Textile Importers Association, a weather report from the Meteorological Department and take-off clearance from the Changi Airport control tower. 

11. The organiser has to engage Cisco officers as well as Shaolin warrior monks to prevent potential law and order problems at the event, such as people actually turning up or thinking independently.

12. All attendees are also expected to be photographed and fingerprinted on entering the venue, for future reference.

13. If the numerous conditions above cause administrative delays and the government departments involved are not able to issue the permits on time, resulting in the rally having to be postponed, a fresh application would be required, as the permit was issued only for the date applied for. 

14. Applicants are to repeat the above as necessary until they are detained under the ISA, go broke or just give up.

15. See step 1 above.

"See?" said Mr. Moh. "Easy!"

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Hotel Singapore? 
by Dan Kok 

In what is seen as a major betrayal of Singapore’s hospitality, a Secondary 2 student from Waffles Institution speaking to his fellow students said, "Actually, I don't think you need to worry about Singaporeans not coming back to Singapore. Look at me, I'm from China; I've been in Singapore for more than three years now, but I still consider China my home. I will go back to China, so I'm sure Singaporeans abroad will come back to Singapore."

Singapore has been offering scholarships to foreign students, with relocation costs and air tickets thrown in, to try and enlarge the local talent pool. 

This episode was related by Minister of Foreign Talent Procurement Goh Cho Kang when he spoke to his old school last week. 

The thrust of his message: The government is extremely anxious that talented Singaporeans go abroad and never come back, and foreign talents leave after they have milked Singapore dry. 

After giving the children’s food to the neighbours’ kids, this callous indifference by the talents themselves was a slap to the face. But with a dash of Ah-Qism, Mr. Goh feels we can at least console ourselves that the selection process devised by our own scholars was definitely effective, because the talents selected were even smart enough to outsmart the scheme and take advantage of the cash the Singapore government is dishing out. 

"Singapore may become a hotel rather than a home," the Minister added, citing the following parallels between Singapore and hotels:

"It's still not so bad," said Mr. Goh. "Instead of a hotel, we could be a motel, where people come mainly to screw us and leave."

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