Story Archive 32

Government To Use Millionaire Gameshow Format to Select Scholars
by K F See

The government has announced that it will adopt the format of the game show “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” to select its scholars. Previously, scholarship applicants were subject to many rounds of interviews, psycho tests, and screenings to make sure they were not gay or lesbian. This made the whole process slow and inefficient.

Now, with this new game show format, the scholarship selection process is expected to be quicker and much more efficient.

Said government spokesperson Mr See Koh Lah, “This innovative move will help streamline the bureaucracy and keep the civil service in line with its Public Service 21 goals. This idea was first mooted as a WITS suggestion by a civil servant, and we have rewarded him accordingly with $0.50 and a certificate of appreciation for his invaluable suggestion.”

The format of the scholarship selection process will be as follows:

There will first be a fastest finger round to see who gets to be selected for the hot seat.

For the hot seat, there will be 15 rounds of questions, with milestone questions at the 5th and the 10th question. Applicants who answer until the 5th question will be given a local scholarship, while those who answer up to the 10th question will get an overseas scholarship. Those who get all 15 questions correct will be given the prestigious President’s scholarship.

To make the selection process even quicker, some privileged applicants will be allowed to proceed directly to later rounds.

According to the senior ministerial doctrine, applicants whose parents are both university graduates are assumed to be smarter, and will therefore be allowed to skip to the 5th round.

Also, in the name of meritocracy, the children of big shots will be allowed to skip to the 10th round of questions. These include children of foreign talent, children of MPs, and children of top civil servants who have the audacity to summon MPs to their office and demand that they quit.

There will also be awards given out to those who fail to make it to the 5th question. Said Mr. See, “For those jokers who cannot even answer the first few questions correctly, we will offer them contracts to act in local comedies like Phua Chu Kang and Under One Roof. They’ll surely make the audience laugh.”

“For female applicants who cannot answer the questions but can only stare into space and smile for a whole minute, we will send them to take part in the Miss Singapore/Universe pageant.”

Each applicant will be given three lifelines, quite similar to the lifelines given in the game show, but modified to fit the techniques that ‘A Level’ students normally use to answer hard exam questions. Instead of ‘Call a Friend’, the applicants will be allowed to ‘SMS A Friend’. Instead of 50-50, they will be allowed to ‘Roll A Dice’. And instead of ‘Ask the Audience’, they will be allowed to ‘Ask for Tips’ from teachers who set the questions.

The government still has not decided who will be the host for the quiz. Front-runners for this coveted position are rumoured to be Sonny Lim, Benedict Goh, and Jimmy Ye. Said Mr. See, “It is very hard to decide who will be the best person to quiz the applicants. They all speak good English and are all such experienced show hosts. Sonny Lim has his trademark ‘Steeple Hand Gesture’ that will intimidate even the bravest of souls. Benedict Goh is very skilful in removing all statement from his face, so he will definitely not reveal the answers to the applicants. As for Jimmy Ye, well, we are considering him because we felt sorry for making him host that awful music-based game show years ago… what was it called again? Humdingers? Something like that. It’s an embarrassing part of our history that everyone wants to forget.”

To help the applicants prepare for this selection process, publishers are frantically putting together a 10-year-series of questions for students to practice. Here is a sample of some likely questions:

Fastest finger question:

If the Parliament building is burning, in what order will you save the people inside?

a. PM
b. JBJ (if he is still allowed to attend)
c. SM
d. Cleaning auntie

(Ans: C, A, D, B)

Hot Seat questions:

Which of the following groups of people should the government listen to the least?

a. Singapore citizens
b. Foreign talent
c. Former Singapore citizens who have renounced their citizenship and come back as foreign talent
d. Ang mor management gurus

(Ans: A)

If you are peeping at your neighbors and you discover they are walking about the house naked, what should you do?

a. Call your friends over
b. Quickly get your camera
c. Quickly set up your webcam and do live-streaming to the rest of the world (charge a fee of
course)
d. Finish watching the free show, then call the police to catch them; the law is in your favour

(Ans: D)

What is the best way to ensure that Singapore will succeed in life sciences?

a. Keep on believing that since life sciences is the next big thing in the US, it must also be the next big thing in Singapore (conveniently forget about market size, R&D capital, and the level of training and expertise needed)
b. Forget about feasibility studies, the truth can be found in the local media: just make the media flood people with rhetoric and propaganda about the wonders of life sciences
c. Relax our domestic laws on human-testing: foreign research companies who cannot carry out human-testing in their own countries will then flock over to Singapore to test out their research on our locals.
d. All of the above

(Ans: D)

Which of the following methods are not used to suppress political opposition in Singapore?

a. Sue the opposition at the slightest mention of any PAP member’s name
b. Throw sperm on his mattress, bribe his driver, and then accuse him of sodomy
c. Turning on air-cons full blast.
d. Check up on all their past financial records to see if there are any discrepancies or wrongdoing, eg. paying 60 cents for a $1 bus trip.

(Ans: B)

If you had a son, what name would you give him?

a. Joshua Benjamin
b. Liang Hong
c. Francis
d. Harry

Ans: D

May Day Initiative: Government Induces Labour in Unions
by K. K. Cheow

Following the May Day rally, the Singapore Government has just announced a major new labour initiative: workers' are to be given inducements to give birth.

"It makes total sense in the context of the slowing economy," said Ministry of Manpower (MOM) spokesman Mr. Boh Kang Cho. "After all, what are our retrenched workers going to do with all the spare time that they now have? If they're taking a pause in their careers, why not let it be a pregnant pause?"

Instead of giving unemployment benefits, MOM will give SingTel shares to all retrenched workers who can show that they are either pregnant or have contributed to a pregnancy. This will be on top of any existing incentives to stimulate population growth.

Said MOM's Mr. Boh, "The SingTel shares should offset any reduction in workers' monthly variable wage component."

The National Trades Union Congress (NTUC) which represents virtually all the organised labour in Singapore, applauded the move.

"In bad times, most other countries sit back and screw their workers," said NTUC spokesman Chia Teck See. "But in Singapore, they ask their workers to sit back and screw!"

Will Singapore workers respond to the incentive?

Singapore's labour movement is seen as unique in the world, as there is an unprecedented level of cooperation with the government. There has been only one minor strike in the past 15 years, and many work or labour-related matters are regulated by legislation.

"We believe in cooperating with the government because they have proved that they understand and care about our issues," said NTUC's Mr. Chia. "I mean, to show solidarity with the workers in these tough times, some of our ministers have even decided to go without portfolios! What a sacrifice!"

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved.
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Singaporeans Find Millionaire Gameshow A Scream
by Cocker Nathan

Experts have identified the cause of the recent surge in noise levels nationwide as agonized screams coming from viewers of the popular gameshow “No One to be a Millionaire”.

“We did a parametric test from a stratified sample of 400 people,” said Dr Suan Shu Hao, a statistician from the Department of Statistics, “And found nothing. So we just used our common sense. After realising that the noise lasts only from 8 to 9pm on Wednesdays and Thursdays, we decided that the gameshow had to be the cause of this problem.”

His research further showed that the three most commonly heard screams were:

1.“A, you idiot, A!”
2.“F, you F-ing moron! F you!”
3.Those caused by the extreme pain of yanking hair out.

The reason for such dramatic outbursts seemed to be the “not too clever” responses coming from the contestants on the show, said Dr Suan.

Keen to flaunt his own intelligence, he proudly displayed his years of experience by deriving the theory: “Response stupid, scream. Response not stupid, no scream.”

Her theory certainly held up when sound levels reached all-time highs last week. One contestant, refusing to rule out the possibility of a nursery rhyme character consuming roti prata, mee rebus or kopi-o, polled the audience to find out just what Little Miss Muffet ate.

Decibel levels promptly soared past 130, equivalent to the noise Malaysia Cup fans used to make when they were hurling vulgarities at the referee.

On the other hand, the audience displayed great control by giving her the right answer although many were seen frothing at their mouths.

The show’s host, the Crying Dutchman, who was reciting the “15 branches” chant when we visited him, had nothing but praise for the audience.

“I know how they feel because I have extreme difficulty controlling my agony as well, especially when the contestants deliberate over questions that my dog can answer. I admire the audience a lot and look to them as a source of strength,” he said, choking up as another teardrop trickled down his cheek.

Residents who are unhappy about this phenomenon want to see the gameshow go.

“It’s absolutely appalling. I can’t even sip my after-dinner Chardonnay in peace,” said Bukit Timah bungalow dweller Mrs Lim Tai Tai in a strained British accent.

After revealing to her that the gameshow was the first in Singapore to offer a prize money of $1 million, she exclaimed, “One million dollars a lot meh?”, before clearing her throat and resuming in her British tone: “I mean, a million dollars really isn’t worth the precious peace of citizens.”

What then are the sponsors’ responses to such irate complaints? Will they withdraw this program from television?

No way, was the immediate response from Mr Chia Liao Bee, general manager of McDunno, one of the sponsors of the show. “All the contestants so stupid, either go home empty-handed or with $1000 at the most. Four sponsors share $1000 in exchange for an hour of prime-time television ads. How to lose?” he asked.

When reminded that one contestant had walked away with a whopping $32000, Mr Chia said that the sponsors had learnt from their lessons and would no longer allow smarter contestants to go far.

“If suay suay another smart contestant gets in the hot seat, we’ll make sure we get rid of them by, say, making them name the outer rings of Saturn in order,” he said, smirking while stroking his Hello Kitty. “If not, how do we live up to the name of our gameshow?”

Mr Chin Woo Lui, CEO of co-sponsor ACDC agreed and elaborated on a particular boost it had for his organisation: “Ever since the show started, our lending rates have increased due to the hospital loans which have been taken out for people who had to be warded for excessive blood vomiting.”

Despite the high casualty rates, however, the show continues to draw high ratings. Thus it seems that the show does have its warped appeal and looks set to be a “roaring” success.

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved.
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MTI Lowers Growth Forecast After Raid on Porn Shop
by K F See

The Ministry of Trade and Industry (MTI) has revised its growth forecasts for the Singapore economy this year, reducing it from the previous estimate of 3.5% - 5.5% to the new estimate of 1.5% to 3.5%.

This lowering of expectations is largely in response to the recent police raid on the porn library in Peninsular Plaza, which led to the arrest of one woman boss and 6 Indonesian maids.

Said MTI spokesperson Ree Sassion, “The illegal porn VCD industry has always been one of our consistently strong engines of growth. Although its economic contributions do not show up on official growth figures, this industry has actually stimulated growth through increased consumption and by reducing our reliance on expensive original VCDs imported from abroad.”

“The illegal porn VCD shop was said to be one of the most profitable small businesses in Singapore today, with daily profit of about $10,000. There were even people calling up to see if they could franchise its operations. Now all these hopes have been dashed.”

“It’s all the fault of the police. We told them not to be overzealous in cracking down on one of our main engines of growth in a time of slowdown like this, but noooo…they were desperate to get their hands on the VCDs. Now look what they have done.”

This crackdown is expected to have repercussion effects on the rest of the industry. Said another illegal VCD seller who wished to remain anonymous, “Nao hiah, when we choose where to locate our shop, we always believe that the most dangerous place is also the safest place. That’s why we open our shops in locations like opposite the Supreme Court, or across the road from the Treasury, or next to Tanglin Police Station, or in a bungalow in Oxley Rise. Now we have to be more careful already.”

Property landlords were also displeased with the raid. Said Tua Tow Kay “Chao koo bye. These VCD shops usually pay good rent for prime locations in the city. Now they are all scared and want to move to the housing estates. Who is going to rent from us now? Property value sure drop lah.”

Furthermore, foreign maids have become more wary after the arrest of their compatriots. Said Indonesian maid Partime Prosti Tuut, “We dare not go out and earn extra income on weekends already. And also, now that there is a crack-down on the local porn industry, our hopes of making it as big movie stars have been dashed. Sigh.”

In the meantime, the police have said that they are still holding on to all the evidence seized from the shop and will review each and every piece of evidence carefully. They wish to thank the many public-spirited citizens who have called in with offers to help review the evidence or to help dispose of the seized assets when the police are done with them.

Man Goes to Man- Go
by Dan Kok

Police seized 37 private video tapes from the home of a man who was caught video-filming a woman changing in a fitting room of a department store.

The tapes, thoroughly reviewed by the entire staff at Tanglin Police Station for over a year, showed instances of women in various states of undress at fitting rooms at clothes retailer Man Go at Takashotoni Department Store in Nee Kang City.

See Bak Chiam, 31, was caught on March 17 last year when he intruded into the privacy of a 22-year-old woman at Man- Go's fitting room. He had placed a bag in a gap under the fitting room. Inside was a pin-hole camera attached to a Sony Video 9 Camcorder (combination available at Sim Lim Square 3rd floor for S$3449 with one-year warranty) to film the victim trying on two sports brassiere and several pieces of nightwear.

See was detained and later took police to his Bukit Buttok home where 37 more tapes were seized.

He told the police he had been enjoying his hobby since 1997, and had been sharing his harvest with fellow Singaporeans on his website.

Deputy Public Prosecutor Adriel Loh Kuan Wui said the tapes also contained a number of video images of panties of unknown women who could not be identified despite close scrutiny of the footage by the prosecuting team.

"The places that the accused plies his sordid trade are places that are common to all of us, which shows us men the rich possibilities that abound. These are places frequented by innocent shoppers who had not the slightest knowledge that the very sanctity of their panties, I mean privacy, is being violated," he said. "Hence enabling the capturing of such natural, raw, unadulterated footage."

Mr. Chow Ser Lang, See's defence lawyer pleaded on his behalf that a lenient sentence should be imposed as his client was especially susceptible to suggestion.

"The store was called Man-Go," said Mr. Chow. "So he went, lor."

It is not clear at this stage if See would be allowed to attend the Cannes Film Festival if he is nominated
for best nature documentary. The Singapore Film Commission, however, is backing See's application.

"It's a stunning piece of cinema verité," said SFC spokesperson Ms. Khee Quah Hee. "If he had entered it for this year's fest, we wouldn't have had to give the prize to those idiots at TalkingCock.com for their crappy low budget movie."

Bus Catches Fire at Rush Hour
by Barbie Q. Chee-Kahn

A Singapore Bus Service (SBS) vehicle caught fire in the middle of service yesterday during evening rush hour in the heart of Chinatown, causing a massive traffic jam.

All 40 passengers on board the bus, plying service route number 33 in the direction of Kent Ridge to Bedok, evacuated to safety after the bus driver "smelled burning rubber" and pulled off to the side of the road along Eu Tong Sen Street.

The reason behind the fire is still being investigated, said a SBS (aka See Beh Slow) spokesman.

By the time the fire engines reached the scene and put out the flames, the fire which started out at a small section at the bus rear had spread and engulfed the whole vehicle.

Speculations were rife. Said a middle-aged thai-chinese man who only wished to be known as Mai Gali Gong: "Must be TIBS, see beh buay song SBS, set one fire warn them don' pray pray! Eskew me, I need to get the 4D number now."

Mai's companion-in-tow, who only gave her name as Shylah Dowanlah said: "Sure or not? I think is the Meliawerks or something, they don'ch like the mobile TV or something, so burn the bus lah! Ooh hee hee hee!"

The TVMobile panels on the bus were indeed burnt to a crisp crispier than the average KFC Hot 'n' Spicy drumstick.

An anonymous senior Chinese male citizen, with umbrella in tow, gestured wildly as he said: "About 5.30pm I walk past the bus, park there like nobody business then I realise got smoke ah! But I thot normal overheat lah so I continue my way to Yangtze. There I look at the movie posters for a while and decided they don't interest me enough. Simi 'Fetch a pail of water!' What kind of cock movie title is that?

"Go fetch water for the bus more like it, by the time I walk back, wah lau I see the whole bus on fire leow. And len, really got the MRT banglas splash water from pails, long kang zhui. I stay and watch with all the other people behind the matah line. Lim Peh kah li gong..."

At this instance the reporter was hit by the umbrella, raising the injury toll to one.

The incident, leaving 1km of road commuters stranded behind the burning bus, incidentally did not cause last evening's ratings of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (125.6 viewers) to drop.