Story Archive 33

Gahmen Puts Fear of God Into Religious Leaders
by K. K. Cheow

The Gospel According to TalkingCock 3: 65 - Yea verily, last week, the Ministry of Home Affairs didst reveal unto the populace that they did smite certain religious group leaders for engaging in unorthodox practices. And when they had finished smiting, lo, the Ministry didst gaze upon their work, and it was good. Salah.

And it came to pass in the city of Singapore and the town of Bukit Gorblok, that certain religious leaders didst do naughty things.

And the things were manifold, and verily, they were naughty.

There was a Christian pastor who didst partake of the communion wine a bit too much, and didst stumble over to the local mosque where he did fling cans of spam at the Muslims.

And verily, the Muslims were si beh heng that the cans of spam were not open.

But lo! they were still pissed off and their imam did ask the pastor, "Why didst thou these things to us?"

And the pastor didst reply, "Forgive me, for I know not what I do. And I tell you, 'twas the venerable monk at the Buddhist temple up the road which did make me do it. He hath a most powerful mojo."

And it came to pass that the imam did stomp over to the monk and did cast insults at his bald head, whereupon a righteous battle did ensue.

And when a passing Hindu priest didst try to break up the fight, lo! he did get a bualuku on his head for his trouble.

And all four didst retreat to their houses of worship, where before their respective congregations, they did slime each other mightily.

And lo, the news didst come to the attention of the Minister for Home Affairs, and upon hearing it, the Minister spake unto his disciples: "Nao hiah. Must go and tekan them oreddy."

And lo, the Minister did set out and rode into each and every leader's parking lot on a donkey bearing government plates.

And the Minister did produce a copy of the Maintenance of Religious Harmony Act before them.

And the Minister spake unto each and every one of them, saying, "These are my Father's laws, and thou has transgressed against them. And the punishment for this is a solid smiting."

And lo, the Minister did smite them, and there was much wailing, gnashing of teeth and renting of clothes.

And afterwards, the disciples did ask the Minister, saying, "Teacher, what is the lesson we must draw from this?"

And the Minister didst reply, "In Singapore, there is only one God, and vengeance is His."

And the disciples marveled at his words.

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved.
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Political Activist: "I Did WHAT Under The Influence of Alcohol?"
by Pak Cham Kai

Political activist Shames Gonads pleaded guilty to drink driving in the Subordinate Courts yesterday. However, the plea of mitigation presented by his lawyer revealed that this was no one-off incident.

Gonads is the former executive director of Stink Centre, an independent organisation which aims to get the electorate to notice that something smells funny about politics in Singapore.

Gonads was stopped by police last week for not driving in the middle of the road. Said arresting officer Sergeant Mah Tah Chia, "We caught him swerving closer and closer to the left, and that's not right."

After a breathalyser test showed that he had gone over the limit, he was charged for driving under the influence of alcohol.

As it turns out, Gonads had been doing much more than just driving while he was drunk. According to his plea of mitigation, Gonads was a severe alcoholic and had little recollection of what he had done over the past few months.

Said Gonads, "Apparently, during my period of inebriation, I set up this political activist group. And I criticised the government and even helped raise funds for the opposition! I even announced that I would be running for election as an April Fool's joke! My god, this is completely un-Singaporean behaviour!"

At this point, Gonads broke down in tears, sobbing, "Alcohol is evil! Evil, I tell you! I'm so, so sorry!"

Gonads was sentenced to twelve weeks in "From Wild Turkey to Cold Turkey", a recovering alcoholics and political re-education programme.

"We believe that Shames will return as a valuable contributor to society," said programme director Koh Ter Khee. "Our patented air-condition process has never failed before."

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved.
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Singapore's Worst Job Revealed: Wanking Elephants
by Kway Png

Last week, the Singapore Zoological Gardens announced that they were setting up a bank containing sperm samples of all the wildlife under their supervision. At the same time, zoo sperm bank worker Mohd. Binatang bin Goncang won a competition for "Worst Job in Singapore".

Wildlife Reserves Singapore (WRS), which runs the Singapore Zoo, the Jurong Bird Park and the Night Safari, has set up a bank of sperm and animal tissue in order to help preserve species.

And It is Mr. Binatang's job to collect the sperm.

"Teruk, sial," said Mr. Binatang as we followed him on his rounds at 4 a.m. in the morning. "We start so early in the morning because a lot of the animals have a 'morning glory' when they wake up, and it's easier to collect the sperm then."

Wearing rubber gloves and carrying a cooler box filled with ice and tupperware, Mr. Binatang, 25, told us that he'd just graduated from Singapore Polytechnic with a diploma in life sciences. He liked nature and animals, and thought that the Singapore Zoo would be the perfect place to work.

"I never thought I'd be giving an orangutan a hand job every morning," he said somewhat ruefully. "And Ah Meng is the worst. He expects to be kissed first."

As we approached the orangutan enclosure, we saw the Zoo's most famous resident lying casually on his back, hands behind his head, and sporting a huge erection. Mr. Binatang sighed, and applied massage oil onto his gloves.

We lingered outside the enclosure as Mr. Binatang entered and knelt before Ah Meng. About 2 minutes' worth of squelching noises could be heard before Mr. Binatang emerged again.

"So fast?" we asked.

"He's shy with you strangers looking on and can't perform today," said Mr. Binatang with a grin, before silently mouthing "thank you" to us.

We next moved towards the tiger enclosure. The big cats were sprawled lazily on the grass verge as Mr. Binatang approached.

"Sayang, sayang," said Mr. Binatang in a somewhat half-hearted manner as he put on a fresh set of gloves and entered the enclosure. "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."

Moments later, Mr. Binatang emerged with several tupperwares full of viscous fluid.

"Is that...?" we asked gingerly.

"It's not soya bean," replied Mr. Binatang grimly.

"Isn't it dangerous?" we asked. Mr. Binatang was silent for a while.

"They know I'm not there as an enemy," he finally said, a glazed, faraway look in his eyes. We fought the urge to say, "Give that man a tiger."

Mr. Binatang then worked his way round the zoo, carrying out his duties with the tapirs, the rhinoceros, the giraffe and the gorillas, amongst others.

"Each animal is different," he said, removing his gloves, now speckled with traces of polar bear spunk. "The polar bears come rather quickly, because they're not used to my warm hands on their cold organs. The chimpanzees always want to be hugged afterwards. The elephant is the most teruk because of the size of its thing... sometimes I have to use both my arms to tug on it. I feel like the bell ringer in a cathedral. Like Quasimodo or something. And god, when he comes, it's like being sprayed by hot glue."

Mr. Binatang finished his rounds at 3 pm in the afternoon. The cooler box was full of neatly-labeled tupperwares of animal semen, which were duly delivered to the WRS office.

"I don't know how long I'm going to stay in this job," said Mr. Binatang, peeling off his overalls. "As you can expect it's really affecting my sex life. I can't help it. Each time my wife initiates sex, these ejaculating hippos keep floating through my mind."

The WRS acknowledges Mr. Binatang's difficulties and promises that the semen collection procedure will soon change. But not because of the unpleasantness of the job.

"It's because the animals have gotten too used to Binatang coming over every morning to pull them off," said deputy assistant director Lai Jee Seow. "Many of them now can't be bothered to engage in real sex."

Cabby Daddy Scrimps To Send Son Overseas
by Dan Kok

Taxi driver Yang See Tong, 66, earns $2,000 a month. Yet he is able to put his son Cheah Beh Twa through the prestigious Massachusetts Institute of Technology (Editor: It was not known why father and son have different family names).

Although MIT offered Cheah a generous aid package, his father still had to dig out $60,000 from what he claimed was his TOTO winnings. Cheah also had to take out a $22,000 loan from an Ah Long and part-time 20 hours each week as a strip dancer at a private matured ladies’ club.

Cheah, now 39 and doing his doctorate at MIT, could have made it to any university here easily, but he itchy-backside wanted an overseas education.

Some parents believe the small fortune they fork out is worth it because overseas exposure, even if it is in the form of strip dancing, will lead to better career prospects for their children, never mind if it means their career life will be fairly short by the time they finish all that schooling.

Ms Lee Sian Tao, a senior partner at giant law firm Bullee & Bullee, disagrees with such parents. "Candidates with overseas exposure tend to be too liberal, non-anal retentive and better lateral thinkers. This is not good for our society."

But Mr Moni Kamsiapkabehsee, vice-president of public affairs at Sillibank, thinks otherwise: "NUS standards are not too high, definitely ‘Not US’ standards. NUS graduates are not inferior to those overseas…, if you're comparing with Cambodia and Sierra Leone that is.’

Others plump for an overseas education because of the rich life experience they say it offers, including learning independence and mixing with people of different origins.

Mrs Ek Ner Ren said her eldest son, an Oxford law student, learned how to take care of himself. "Now he can clean himself!" she said proudly, although in a separate telephone interview with the son, the reporter found out he usually showers with his British flatmate, Denis Farggot.

Madam Y A Low, beams when she shows us the pictures her daughter sent home. "See, now she has so many friends from so many different countries – Norwegian, French, British, American, this one Swedish… I hope hoh, next time my grandchildren have fair skin, blue eyes and blond hair. Aiyer! So cuuuuuute!"

For some, the distance from home is a negative point. Mrs Seducee, 42, a homemaker who studied Home Economics in Britain, prefers her daughter, Desiree, 19, to study here because she is worried about her safety.

"Girls have more to lose than boys. I was at her age only not so long ago. If they are so far away, how would parents know about the friends they are sleeping…, I mean, mixing, around with? That’s not my idea of overseas exposure for my daughter!"