Pro-PAP Group to Organize Big Walk-over 
by K F See

A pro-PAP organization, which calls it self The New PAP-er, has announced that it will be organizing a mass walkathon. The organizers have called their walkathon The Big Walk-over, in support of their favourite political party in Singapore. The logo for The Big Walk-over has been unveiled, and it looks as follows:

Said New PAP-er spokesperson Mr Luf De'Gahmen, "We are pretty excited about organizing this event. We are pretty optimistic about the turnout. We sent out application forms to all citizens above 21, and told them that it was compulsory to reply to tell us whether they will be taking part in the Big Walk-over. We said that if they did not reply, then we would not allow them to take part in future events. About 60% replied to say they will be taking part, while the other 40% said they would not.” 

He continued, “There were some si noong kias who replied but purposely filled in their forms wrongly. Don’t worry, every application form was marked with a serial number, and our fingerprint-identification technology is very advanced, so we know who those people are.” 

According to The New PAP-er, the event will start off with warm-ups in the form of the Great Singapore Workout, which enthusiastic Big Walk-over participants can sing to. After that, the participants will be split into two groups, and each group will take a separate route. The first group will wear blue, and will circle around the mid-Eastern part of Singapore, covering the constituencies like Cheng San, Ang Mo Kio, Bishan-Tao Payoh, Jalan Besar, Marine Parade, Aljunied, and Pasir Ris.

Another group will wear red, and it will start from Cheng San, move southwest to Ang Mo Kio, then east to Aljunied, and then southeast again to Marine Parade and Jalan Besar. On the map, the two routes look as follows:

When asked why The New PAP-er’s Big Walk-over did not cover Hougang and Potong Pasir constituencies, Mr De’Gahmen replied: “Oh, we decided to avoid Hougang and Potong Pasir for the safety of our participants. You see, the buildings there are so old and run-down because they have not been blessed by upgrading, so there is a chance they may just collapse anytime. What’s more, the neighbourhoods smell, the facilities are non-existent, and I bet that even the people who live there are ugly. If these constituencies continue to be so unkempt, I envision that by 2020 they will become crime-ridden, and maybe even notorious for shootings, muggings and car-jackings. Therefore, we decided to stay away from Third World places and will only walk through First World neighbourhoods instead.” 

He continued, “Look at the PAP constituencies. They look so much nicer and are continually getting more facilities. I heard that when the next round of upgrading comes, they can choose to have new amenities like air-conditioned void decks, escalators to replace staircases, SAT cram schools, and Filipino maids for every household. I also heard that if the constituencies vote strongly enough for the PAP in the coming elections, they may even be exempt from the ERP gantries that will be going up across the whole island. Too bad for those in opposition wards, I bet they’ll have a gantry on every road, heh heh.” 

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved. 
(If you're circulating this by email to your friends, please include this attribution.  It's only polite, leh!)

Singapore Spy Plane Held in Malaysia: Went Down Wrong Runway
by Kway Png

A Singapore spy plane on a routine intelligence gathering mission is now being held on a Malaysian island, sparking a diplomatic row.

The Malaysian authorities claim that the special ICAN CU2 spy plane had landed on Tioman Island in an illegal attempt to gather intelligence about Malaysia's tourism techniques.  

However, when spotted, the plane apparently tried to take off but went down the wrong runway and collided with a ketom tree. 

"After they kena ketuk by the ketom, we all kalang kabut to kapoh the kapal," said Malaysian Armed Forces spokesman Major Mohd. Askar bin Berperang alliteratively.

Singapore, meanwhile, has denied the charges of illegal espionage and called for the return of the plane and the crew.  

Said Mindef Security and Intelligence Division spokesman Colonel James Bong, "The plane was merely refueling.  As for going down the wrong runway, this is unfortunately a habit of Singapore pilots.  However, we would argue that the fault was contributed to by the fact that Tioman Airport has only one runway."

The crew are said to be in good health, although somewhat disoriented by their collision with the ketom tree, whose leaves are known for their hallucinogenic effect. Commented Major Askar, "Their kepala kena concuss."

The MAF are refuting Mindef's claim that the plane was there for innocent purposes. "This is not a normal plane.  It's unusually high-tech. Every seat got video screen and phone and some more, it doesn't use propeller."

However, Mindef is sticking to their story. Said Colonel Bong, "We want to assure our good neighbour that if we were out to gather intelligence, Malaysia is the last place we'd look."

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved. 
(If you're circulating this by email to your friends, please include this attribution.  It's only polite, leh!)

Australian University Offers New Degree in Cheating
by Pak Cham Kai & Lau Cheow

Curtains University of Pert, Australia now offers a brand new degree course in cheating, and Singaporeans are enrolling by the thousands.

Curtains University (motto: "It's Curtains for your career!") has unveiled a new degree course that aims to provide a comprehensive approach to cheating. Its curriculum includes:

The devising of this new course followed a recent scandal where a Singaporean girl was allowed to graduate despite having been proven guilty of plagiarism on at least two occasions.

"Our initial handling of the matter was misguided," admits Curtains Dean Professor Venetiane Blynds. "We went on the defensive, when what we should have done was show that successful cheating actually requires great mental agility and resourcefulness."

"The fact that this poor student tried to cheat twice and was actually caught both times indicates that there is much room for improvement, and this course will help develop these skills, " concluded Professor Blynds.

The girl, who was finally awarded a degree in Mass Communication, is now believed to be working for a Singaporean telemarketing company selling time share resort memberships.

Entry requirements for the course are extremely stringent, and the University will only accept students with at least 12 A1s or an SAT score of 2000. PhDs or Nobel Prizes will qualify for additional credits.

"We only accept applicants who can convincingly fake their educational achievements," said Dr. Mung Sak King, Lecturer in Scamology. "Students do not have to attend classes. We expect them to copy notes from each other."

"Also, tuition fees will be waived for students whose cheques bounce," added Dr. Mung.

And Curtains' new strategy seems to be proving a roaring success with Singaporeans, judging by the number of Singaporeans who are enrolling.

Said student Chee Ter Bak, 20, "Study so hard for what? Get scholarship only kena long-long bond. Might as well learn something to get rich quick and siam the country."

Ms. Shee Chee Ting, 18, concurred. "My seniors who studied so hard are finding that all their knowledge only gets them into subordinate positions where they make money for other people. Who's the smart one here?"

Added Ms. Ai Pian Lang, "I think cheating is really fun! After all, where did we get the phrase 'play cheat'?"

Due to the high Singaporean enrolment rate, Curtains is including a special module designed specially for Singaporeans:

Said Professor Frauderick Hoodwinke, Emeritus Professor of Forgery, "We believe we're at the forefront of this discipline. After all, as a country descended from convicts, cheating is part of the Australian heritage, and we should be proud of it."

Although the course is scheduled to start in September later this year, term papers and answers to examination questions can already be downloaded from the Internet.

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved. 
(If you're circulating this by email to your friends, please include this attribution.  It's only polite, leh!)

MCDS Campaign: Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Vote Opposition
by K. K. Cheow

The Ministry of Community Dogma and Sanctimony launched their $1m National Family Week campaign today, with posters of a young child emblazoned with words such as "Scholar or Tax Offender?", "MP or Defamation Defendant?" and "CEO or CCB?"

The aim of the campaign is to emphasize to parents the importance of spending time with their children, or risk them turning out badly.

"We are very concerned that the future generation of Singaporeans, not having had the experience of their elders, will also not have the same values," said MCDS spokesperson Mrs. Tan-Bai Shuo Huang. "It is entirely possible that they may deviate from acceptable behaviour by supporting anti-social elements and thus destroy the fabric of the society we have strived so hard to build."

When asked to clarify what was meant by "anti-social elements",  Mrs. Tan-Bai said, "Aiyah, you know lah. Don't pay income tax on time, parking coupon cheats, people who wait on the hard shoulders of expressways to save on ERP charges, bond breakers, opposition voters, people who speak Singlish, that kind, lah."

When quizzed about the overtly threatening tone of the posters, Mrs. Tan-Bai replied, "We simply wish to drive home the message that the future of kids is entirely dependent on parents' action."

Parents we spoke to responded well to the thrust of the campaign.

Said parent Mrs. Kah Ghin Nah, "Yes, I hear what the government is saying.  For example, if one day my kid snaps and goes on a rampage with an M-16, I know it will be entirely my fault and will have nothing to do whatsoever with the social pressures he faced outside the home, the social structures that prevent me from being able to spend time with my kids, or with who taught him how to shoot M-16s in the first place."

"Yes," concurred father of two Mr. Neng Eh Kia. "I realise now that I should stop working so hard and ignore all concerns for promotion for the sake of my children, and when I wind up in a career dead end at 50, my kids will be ever so grateful, because I did it for them."

Added expatriate hotelier Norman Bates, visiting Singapore to purchase knives and violin music, "I completely support the campaign.  I totally believe that all deviant behaviour comes from not having close enough family ties. Why, I don't know how I'd have turned out if I didn't have such a close relationship with my mother."

The campaign also includes various workshops with family experts from America, a country fabled for their success in maintaining close-knit, nuclear families. (see recent article in New York Times)

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved. 
(If you're circulating this by email to your friends, please include this attribution.  It's only polite, leh!)

Shocking Discovery: Singaporeans are Conformists! 
by Dan Kok 

A British comparative education expert who has been studying the education system here since 1994 has made the shocking discovery that Singapore students can remember but cannot think. 

Professor Envy Green, from the University of London Institute of Education noted that while Singapore's
system produces a higher percentage of examination passes, the students here are less creative and more conformist. 

"A cursory comparison of the music scenes in Singapore and Britain will clearly show that Singapore lags in innovation and sticks only to tried and true formulas," said Prof. Green.  "I mean, look at how many boy and girl bands the UK has produced, whereas Singapore hasn't got any."

Prof. Green also stated that adults here also manifest an inability to exercise independent thought. "There is this expectation that someone else will  think through and come up with workable solutions which one simply needs to toe."

However, the Singapore Ministry of Education has scoffed at Prof. Green's conclusions.

"Of course Singaporeans don't have independent thought," said MOE spokesman Annie How. "After all, we are in the post-independence era."

Nevertheless, Prof. Green believes that Singapore at some level is concerned about their lack of innovation. "For example, Creative Technology has to state in no-uncertain terms that it is a creative company in
order to distinguish itself from the other non-creative Singapore enterprises. That in itself is telling on
the deep-set insecurity that Singaporeans have regarding their lack of creativity. Not to mention Think Centre."

After the press conference, Prof. Green was reportedly invited to attend a private meeting by men with earphones driving an unmarked black van. She has remained uncontactable since. 

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved. 
(If you're circulating this by email to your friends, please include this attribution.  It's only polite, leh!)