Opposition Politicians To Form Boy Band At Next Election
by K. K. Cheow
Opposition MPs have decided to form a
coalition which they hope will excite Singaporeans in the coming General
Election. Said Singapore People's Party chairman Mr. Chiam See Tong, "We
realised that we needed to pool our talent and group together. And
in terms of exciting talented groups, no formula works better than a boy
band."
Called the Backbench Boys, the group will
feature Mr. Chiam, Mr. J.B. Jeyaretnam, Mr. Steve Chia, Mr. Low Thia Kang
and Dr. Chee Soon Juan.
"It's a classic line-up," said
Mr. Chiam. "We have the dark, brooding rebel, meaning JBJ.
The down-to-earth one, meaning Mr. Low. The older brother-type, meaning
Mr. Chia. The super-dao arrogant one, meaning Dr. Chee. And I'm the cute
boy next door. If you happen to live in Kim Keat Court, that is."
And the Backbench Boys are confident of
wowing the voters this time round with their slick choreographed moves
and newly-crafted sex appeal.
Already, Mr. Jeyaretnam has built up a
bevy of swooning female admirers.
JBJ and ALF: alienated by locals?
"It's those sideburns," said
Miss Chao Lian Huay, 18. "They're so cute! He looks like the character in
that old alien comedy show, Alf!"
"We've been practising like crazy
for months," said Mr. Chiam. "We've also been gauging audience
response by performing at Hungry Ghost getais. And we think we're
going to make a big hit this time. We want to show that the Opposition
can really party!"
The Backbench Boys will be releasing
their first single Quit Playin' Games (With My Vote) shortly. (click
here for lyrics and the full karaoke experience)
"We're not impressed,"
commented PAP Elections Committee spokesman Mr. Gerry Mandhir.
"They may have taken a fresh approach, but really it's just the
same old song and dance."
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2001. All rights reserved.
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Fraudulent Technopreneur To Be Professor of
Cheating at Curtains University
by Pak Cham Kai
A Singapore technopreneur who was recently
exposed as a fraud has been given a position at Curtains University's new
Faculty of Cheating.
Mr. Pennis Lee, who founded technology
startup e-gypva.com, claimed to have won numerous awards from
institutions like Stanford University and MIT and published several
books on information technology. He also boasted that he was one
of the world's leading artificial intelligence experts. All by the
tender age of 29.
A Business Times investigation, however,
revealed that many of his claims were unsubstantiated. Many of his
publications were plagiarised, and the awards and eminent people he
claimed to have won and worked with did not exist.
"Well, he wasn't entirely
bogus," said BT editor Seah Seng Lee. "He was really an expert
in artificial intelligence. In that his intelligence was clearly
artificial."
It is for his artistry in intelligence
artifice that Curtains University in Pert, Australia has decided to
appoint Mr. Lee as their first Professor of Resumé Padding.
Curtains University made history last
week by offering a new degree course in cheating, which Singaporeans
have been signing up for in droves. (See
archived story)
"He's perfect for the post,"
said Professor Frauderick Hoodwinke, Emeritus Professor of Forgery at
Curtains. "With his fantastic c.v., Pennis managed to con a
powerful government-linked company like ST Telemarketing into being
their principal, and gyp many blue-chip companies into being clients. In
terms of duping, he's simply super-duper."
"Maybe ST Telemarketing should send
a few scholars to Curtains," chuckled Professor Hoodwinke.
"After all, their due diligence teams look like they could use some
basic swindling awareness."
Mr. Lee will be teaching his first class
in the Fall, where he will enlighten students as to the finer points of
beefing up their resumés.
"Nothing beefs up like
bullshit," said Mr. Lee, as he showed how washing your father's car
could be described in one's curriculum vitae as "spending several
years working in the automobile hygiene industry under the direct
mentorship of senior management."
Mr. Lee wishes to show his appreciation
for what the Singapore has done for him by donating a portion of his
first (fairly substantial) pay cheque back to ST Telemarketing.
"It should be enough to buy a big
enough handkerchief for them to wipe the egg off their faces," he
said with a smile.
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2001. All rights reserved.
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Singapore To
Send Paraplegic To Climb Mt. Everest
by Lau Cheow
Recent news of a blind man as well as a 15-year old boy scaling Mt.Everest has caused great dismay and alarm among Singaporean authorities, and
they will respond by sending a Singaporean-born paraplegic to the summit next year.
"Wah piang, this is too much, this makes us look very lau kwee, man!" said Mr. Ai Pah San, Chairman of the Singaporean Mountaineering Association.
"Of course this doesn't mean our successful effort in 1997 was for nothing. We just have to try for another expedition to reclaim our honour."
He denied that this was a publicity-seeking action. The previous Singaporean Expedition was greeted with muted acclaim in international
mountaineering circles, despite great praise and plaudits accompanying the event back in Singapore.
"People forget we don't have mountains in Singapore, and it's very hot, even though we have air-cons, it's just not the same. What about the
snow and the ice?" he said, defending the achievements of the Singaporean
Expedition.
"It's true that back then we didn't know that you can sign up with an adventure tour package and climb the mountain," said Mr. Ai. "Now we
know better. Besides, if you read the book Into Thin Air, you know that a lot of
these so-called tourists also died in the attempt," he added smugly.
Commenting on the achievement by the blind man, Mr. Khoo Swee Chiow, dismissed it as 'just one of those things you read about in the paper'.
"We were all wearing these thick thick sunglasses to avoid snow-blindness, so we were effectively just as blind too," he explains. "Besides, I have
some doubts whether he did it fairly. I mean, how could he have read the maps?"
Mr.Khoo is Singapore's best known mountaineer who has scaled all 8 of the highest summits on 7 continents. (The 8th was just to make sure, being
a typically kiasu Singaporean). He denied that this effort by the blind man made his achievements look tame by comparison. "I would like to see him
try all 7 continents, on his own, without his seeing-eye dog."
Expressing concern at the potential loss of face to the nation, Ministry of Sports officials pored through the lists of successful Everest
summiters to look for potential record-breaking opportunities.
They found that no deaf, dumb and blind person has actually made the
attempt. But a search among the hospitals did not turn up a suitable candidate. Then they found cases of mountaineers who have had limbs
amputated after the climb, and this gave them an idea.
Although a one-legged man has made the attempt and succeeded, no
paraplegic has ever done it.
The authorities reached out to the Handicapped Association of Singapore and the Spastic Society and to their delight, found a suitable man to
represent Singapore.
Mr. Lau Pai Kah, a paraplegic who has been confined to a wheelchair for
the last 20 years, has been nominated to be Singapore's flag-bearer in this attempt to restore national pride.
"No only does is Mr. Lau missing two legs," said Dr.Quek Sin Seh, Medical Advisor to the Expedition, pointing out the physiological symptoms and
merits of this attempt, "The man is mentally disabled and wheelchair-bound. Not only that, he is bald,
has a squint and acne, one ear is noticeably bigger than the other and to top it
off, he has halitosis. I would like to see the rest of the world beat that!" he remarked as he held his right hand over his
heart patriotically.
Choking back tears, Mr. David Lim, a Singaporean PR originally born in Malaysia, who was mistakenly identified as the first true Singaporean
to scale Everest, had this to say, "Yes, Mr. Lau is definitely the first handicapped Singaporean to make the attempt. This will even out all
earlier mistakes. I wish him luck." Mr. Lim has had his own personal struggle with
medical problems as well, and will participate by pushing Mr. Lau's wheelchair as far as Camp IV.
Authorities at the NRIC office have confirmed that Mr.Lau has a birth certificate stating he was born at KK Hospital, and that he has a pink
I/C.
"There is no doubt that he is Singaporean. We have made very sure that
this is the case," said a spokesman.
SAF helicopters will be on hand for the final part of the summit attempt by winching Mr. Lau up the last 1000 metres.
Dr. Quek will also be leading a top-class medical support team, staffed by other
doctors who participated in Singapore's humanitarian mission to the Gulf War.
"We need veterans and experts who have experienced life-and-death
situations and know how to act in an emergency," said Dr. Quek. "We cannot have a Singaporean die on the top of the world's tallest mountain. It
will be too malu, man," he said as he strapped on another oxygen tank to the wheelchair and primed his needle for another steroid shot for Mr. Lau.
"Besides, our experience with chemical warfare in the
Gulf will come in useful in dealing with Mr. Lau's bad breath," he added.
In view of Mr. Lau's expedition, the Ministry of Sports is now
reviewing its previously mooted strategy of simply giving a bunch of Sherpas
citizenship as 'foreign talent' and arrowing them every now and then to plant a
flag on the summit.
(see
related Sports story)
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Big Buffet May Meet Big Buttocks
by Kway Kah Chng
Mediacock and Mediaworse, Singapore's two
media companies, have been warned that if they do not engage in fair
competition, the government will sit on them.
The spirit of fair competition and
consumer choice that was to have accompanied Singapore's relaxing of
regulation on participants in the media industry has instead produced
rivalry bordering on hostility between Mediacock (the former Television
Cockporation of Singapore) and the new Singapore Crass Holdings venture,
Mediaworse.
The industry has been rife with rumours
about how Mediacock has been trying to buy up all the best syndicated US
shows to leave Mediaworse with only crappy second-stringers, as well as
how each of the companies has been threatening to blacklist freelance
writers or production houses who do work for the other side.
Said M.C. Wah, a freelance TV writer who
wished to remain anonymous, "Rather than pay me higher to get
better work out of me or secure my exclusivity, they'd each rather
threaten me with being blacklisted. So much for the free market."
"This is completely
unacceptable," said Minister of Media Long Chong Kwa. "These
sort of restrictive trade practices severely undermine the aims of
de-regulation. Whether in the form of competition legislation or
some other regulatory measures, it appears that we'll have to step
in."
In response, Mediacock spokesman Quah Kow
Sian said, "We welcome all involvement with the government.
Why, it'll be just like the good old days."
Added Mediaworse spokesman Boh Lang Kwah,
"For once, we are in complete agreement with Mediacock. We
too are completely fine with government oversight. For us, it's
just business as usual."
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2001. All rights reserved.
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Desker
Road Transvestites Protest Kumar's Speakers Corner Speech
by Kway Png
Desker Road transvestites are now picketing the
Boom Boom Room, accusing mainstay Kumar of diverting business out of their
traditional Serangoon Road business zone into the city.
As a publicity stunt, Singapore's best known drag
queen had spoken at Speakers Corner to protest at not being included in FHM (For
Hermaphrodites Magazine)'s 100 Sexiest Women list. However, this enraged the
Singapore Transgender Union Network (STUN).
"Last time, people knew that if they wanted
AC/DC action, Desker Road was the place to go," said STUN spokesman Mohd
Bapok bin Pondan. "But after Kumar, people might think they can look
elsewhere."
As proof of this effect on their business, STUN
produced the testimony of an elderly gentleman, Mr. Lim Peh, apparently one of
their best customers, who has since defected.
"Lim Peh ka li kong," said Mr. Lim.
"What for I go Desker Road when every weekend is so crowded and noisy with
banglas? Speakers Corner is a nice quiet place because got nobody come. And even when
got people also cannot hear them."
Kumar, meanwhile, was stunned at STUN's actions.
"I am disappointed by the response of my brothers... uh, my sisters... um,
whatever. This is clearly a restrictive trade practice. This move is
driven entirely by jealousy, as they have never forgiven me for having seized
the traditional transvestite territory of Bugis for myself."
"If Kumar doesn't stop taking
business away from Desker Road," threatened Mr. Bapok. "We'll
have to give him the chop!"
"Too late, I already got it,"
retorted Kumar. "STUN is such a drag, I tell you."
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