Trishaw Riders Seek To Raise Fares: Auntie-Aunties Up
In Arms
by Kway Png
In the wake of the MRT and bus companies asking for fare
increases, the Singapore Trishaw Rider Account Inflation Network (STRAIN) is
also asking to increase their charges.
"Singapore's trishaw riders must increase fares by at
least $0.50 per trip in order to survive," said Mr. Lao Kan Chia, chairman
of STRAIN. "This is due to various factors such as the slowing economy, the
rise in fuel costs and also mounting obesity in passengers."
However, some have expressed unhappiness about the
proposed fare rise, especially the key trishaw-riding demographic: middle-aged
housewives and senior citizens.
"Wah lan eh," said Madam Chin Ah Lau, 56.
"If pay extra for trishaw, then I also rugi all the money I save by going
to the wet market. Like that, I might as well just go to the Food Lion at the
bottom of my flat. So inconvenient!"
"Lim Peh ka li kong, it's all a con," said Mr.
Lim Peh, 92. "Nowsaday all the young peepur pay so much to join a gym and
then sit on a bicycle that goes nowhere. Whereas trishaw riders get fit at
our expense! How can like that?"
The Consumers Association of Singapore intends to
scrutinize the reasons for the fare hike.
"The first thing we would raise questions about is
how a rise in fuel costs would possibly affect the trishaw riding
industry," said CASE spokesman Mr. Chin Gui Leow. "What fuel does a
trishaw use?"
STRAIN's Mr. Lao was quick to respond, "Noodles,
lah! Arbuthen? Last time, the kan chia mee at Mazwell market last time only 50 cents,
but then, during the long-long period of renovation, we had to go and eat
elsewhere, at much higher prices! And also, our riders are all getting very old,
and have to use more and more tiger balm at the end of each day."
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2001. All rights reserved.
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NCC Training Ground For Nation's Future Koo
Byes
by National Cadet Cock
More than a quarter of the SAF's senior officers have trained in the NCC,
and more than 75% of the NCC alumni in the past eight national service cohorts were selected for
officer training. As a successful incubator of SAF officers, the NCC helps
ensure that the nation's population of koo byes is maintained, said several
spokesmen for other ranks yesterday.
"Nowsaday, with so much technor-lor-jee, and all the
ossifer become more and more helucated," complained 2nd Warrant Officer Teo
Ah Mee. "Many of them just want to do their job quietly and hurry up ORD.
Very few ossifer nowsaday want to enjoy the NS esperience by making life a
living hell for their men."
"I think the cruel streak has been bred out of most
of today's officers, because of more comfortable facilities," agreed 1st
Warrant Officer Inche bin Zainonn. "I heard some old birds say the new
Tekong is like a country club compared to the old days! But this focus on humane
training has made our officers very unimaginative. Last time, officers would
give out punishments like making recruits strip down to their black underwear
and boots, and then run round the parade square while shouting, 'I'm Astro Boy!'
Nowadays, you're lucky if you see an officer make someone run, touch a tree and
come back."
"Some of them never even pick up kway when on
exercise in Starlight or Crescendo," sighed 2WO Teo. "All this ossifer
and gennerman shit is destroying our tradition! Where are all the koo
byes?"
The answer seems to be: the NCC.
According to NCC spokesman Captain Pian Gee Nah at the
opening of their new campus at Angmor Quee camp last week, the erosion of sadism
amongst officers is due to Singaporeans seeing their military duties as more and
more routine.
"It's just a part of growing up, something to be
expected," said Captain Pian. "But those who join NCC while in
school... well, you have to be a bit psycho to want to do NS early. Maybe
they like the guns. Or being yelled at a lot. But the bright side of this is
that they're much more likely to be koo byes when they enter the army than other
students."
NCOs confirm that the NCC is churning out koo byes.
"It's true," said Master Sergeant Teck Aw Der of
ORIFICE (Other Ranks Indoctrination Office). "With each batch of new
officers passing out from Officer Cadet School (OCS), we can tell what kind of
ECA they did in secondary school. The ones who did things like scouts or
computer club are just your average run-of-the-mill 'air-level' sotong. And
don't even talk about those who join drama club."
"But the NCC ones," continued Master Sergeant
Teck appreciatively. "Hwah, they all damn garang, sial. I remember one of
them made his platoon do 'bed parade': they all had to disassemble their bunk
from upstairs, then take them down to the parade square and assemble them again,
then repeat three times. It brought a tear to my eyes."
"These things are important," said Ministry of
Defence Public Affairs spokesman Pee Ah Ler. "Horrible, twisted NS
experiences are what draws Singaporean men together. All Singaporean women
can tell you that when their boyfriends or husbands meet up, they invariably
start sharing stories of horror and suffering during NS. If our officers
don't wake up their ideas, the very fabric of our society will be
unraveled."
"Further," added Mr. Pee. "Considering the
banality of military life, the occasional bravura punishment is all that our
regulars and NCOs can look forward to. We owe it to them as citizens to
ensure that they get the very best in depravity."
To ensure that the NCC continues its good work, short
workshops in sadism have been introduced.
"It's really fun," gushed NCC cadet lieutenant
Sai Ko Peng, 16. "Last week we learned to kiwi people's genitals."
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VR Man
To Discourage SMS Lingo Usage
by Lay Mong Chi
Singapore's favourite local superhero has returned! VR Man will return as the mascot of a campaign to reduce and
eventually eliminate all use of SMS (Short Message Service) abbreviations in favour of proper English words at all times. The
character has been licenced for use by the Academy for Bettering the Use of Standard English (ABUSE).
"When we heard of how SMS orthography was creeping into students' school work, we were of course appalled", said Mr Tah Keng Choe, the
Director of ABUSE. "Although it is not technically Singlish, we still
felt compelled to do something about it."
"Just as Phua Chu Kang, once famous for his Singlish, has been reinvented as a role model for the speaking of proper English, we
think that VR Man, a high-tech character, would be ideal to deliver the message that abbreviations used in electronic writing are as
inappropriate as Singlish is."
Mr Tah underscored his point by showing off a Singlish-to-English guidebook printed by local publisher VJ Times, which featured Phua
Chu Kang prominently on the cover.
"Using a popular character as a hook to get people interested in a serious topic is a simple and effective strategy", said Mr Tah. "It
would be foolish of us to not use it."
Accordingly, ABUSE will be releasing its own book, "SMS Lingo to English", featuring VR Man on the
cover.
 
BODOHS carry these books! |
The book, to be published by Bodohs Books, will cover all the common SMS
abbreviations and give the proper English equivalents. A sampling:
u -- you
r -- are
2 -- to
4 -- for
dun -- don't
pls -- please
Students' reactions were mixed. Paige Mie, 13, from Kosong Convent, welcomed the idea, and said she was looking forward to reading the
book.
"I don't know all the lingo out there, and sometimes, people use new ones that I don't know what they mean. The book will be like a
dictionary where I can look up abbreviations that I don't know, as well as learn new ones to use myself."
"For example, the first time I saw 'lol', I didn't know it meant
'laughing out loud'", she admitted. "I thought it had something to do with the tongue lolling out of the mouth, you know, sticking it out
at someone after they said something funny to you."
"The next day, I went and typed 'lololololololol' at my friend. So malu! But with a guidebook, I won't have to worry about that
happening again."
However, Arn Chua, 14, just across the road at St Hattrick's Secondary, felt that such a book was a waste of time, since he and
most of his friends already knew the proper English equivalents of the abbreviations they used.
"We use short forms for speed and convenience, and it slips into our schoolwork out of habit", he said. "Not because we think that's the
way they're actually spelled."
"Also, if I saw a VR Man book, I'd avoid it, not be attracted to or interested in it. Personally, I think the 'VR' should stand for 'Very
Ridiculous'."
Mr Quek Laik Dak, a GP teacher at Bak Chang JC, thought that ABUSE was overreacting, and that in any case, VR Man was possibly the worst
character to use to speak out against improper language usage.
"The show VR Man abused English worse than Phua Chu Kang ever did", he said. "The show took language mangling to a whole new level. They
coined 'ViRP' out of 'Virtual Reality Projections', and came up with the tagline 'He has the power to ViRP'. That was worse than any Singlish or SMS lingo out there."
Mr Tah was unfazed by these comments. "There are some people who think that Singlish is an acceptable, even a perfectly respectable,
form of communication. Similarly, there are people who see nothing objectionable about the use of abbreviations in SMS, Internet chat,
or casual email messaging."
"These people are of course wrong", stated Mr Tah with finality. "Use of SMS lingo is as bad as Singlish. It must be stamped out."
"Count on it", declared Mr Tah. "Where there is bad English to beat down, ABUSE will never stop!"
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Opt-Out Option for GE
by Dan Kok
In a further bid to speed up the electoral process, the Electoral Office has come up with a new opt-out
scheme for the next General Election.
According to Electoral Committee spokesman Mr. Gerry Mandhir, as the outcome for each GE
has been roughly the same, with the PAP winning the majority of the vote each time, it would be more
economical to use an opt-out system where only those who wish to vote for the opposition need to
cast a ballot.
Said Mr. Mandhir, "It is no point shutting down the entire economy for half a day, make everyone go to the polling
centre,
and mobilize so many civil servants, when we already know that most people would vote for the
PAP. If we start on the premise that unless voters explicitly indicate otherwise, they are deemed to
have chosen the PAP, we can save a lot of resources and time in the electoral process."
Opposition leaders voiced concern that under such a scheme anyone observed going to the polling
centres would be clearly identifiable as voting for the opposition, and the electoral process would no
longer be secret. But Mr. Mandhir disagrees that this is a point for concern.
"What we will do is that we will only have one polling station, as we do not expect many
opposition
voters, and they can cast their ballots for any GRC at that station. So while we know they are voting
for the opposition, we will not immediately be able to tell which opposition. They could be voting for
Mr Low in Hougang, or Mr Chiam in Potong Pasir, Mr Jeyaretnam in Jalan Besar, who knows?"
"
As opposition voters are officially labeled as anti-establishment trouble-makers, they will need to pass
through metal detectors and be given the once- over by specially trained canines that have a sharp nose
for trouble. As all these are already available at the ISD facility at Whitley Road, it has been suggested
that the Policed Opposition Polling Point (POPPOPOP) be located there."
To encourage greater voter turnout, the ISD will treat the voters to a multi-media exhibition entitled
‘The History of the ISD – No Pain, No Gain’ in the waiting hall.
While Mr. Mandhir would not reveal details of the exhibits in order to
maintain suspense, an ISD officer in disguise and who wished to
remain incognito hinted that one section will feature Mr Sentosa himself, Chia
Thye Poh, in different
states of discomfort over his 23 years under ISA detention before being moved to the idyllic holiday resort.
To add further understanding of the ISD’s role over the decades, some
medieval torture
relics – the Thumbscrews, the Lumbar Stretch Machine, the Tongue Twister and the Belly Pump will
also be exhibited.
Group tours (between 20-25 persons per group) of the
air-conditioned underground dungeons can
also be conducted if booked in advance.
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"Cosmopolitans
Can Change" Declares Bukit Gorblok Community Centre
by Hen of God
Bukit
Gorblok Community Centre has embarked on a campaign to convert cosmopolitans, to
the consternation of some.
Walking
pass the Bukit Gorblok Community Centre these days, one cannot help but notice
the big red banner hanging on the wall nearest the bust stop, emblazoned with
the large white words: "Cosmopolitans Can Change. Call 8812829."
The
banner has been up for only a few days, but it has already sparked widespread
controversy in Singapore.
A
number of cosmopolitans have come out of the closet and signed a petition to ask
Bukit Gorblok Community Centre to take down what they deem as an offensive
banner.
When
approached for an explanation, Bukit Gorblok Community Centre spokesperson, Mr.
Kong Hock Kian said, "Actually
we do dis is for the good of the country. You
know, for some years now, we notice that more and more people kong ang mor and
go oversea and come back tokking very strange, until their kaki lang also
cannot understand them."
"It
is a very big porblem, you know," said Mr. Kong.
"We just wan' them to know that it is not naturer what they do.
I know some people call it a lifestyle choice. But we must be carefoo',
you know, being cosmo can spread disease one. We teenk this cosmo teeng is very
bad for Singapore. I do'wan all these cosmos to come and corrupt our chewrens."
The
banner is only the first salvo of an aggressive campaign to cure
cosmopolitans.
The
Bukit Gorbok Community Centre has set up a counseling hotline for any cosmopolitans
who may find it difficult to seek help in person.
Mr
Kong added "Our lumber is very easy to limember. You just teenk 8812829 is
like we at Bukit Gorblok telling you, 'Eh, eh, wan' to eh tonight?' Very easy to
remember."
In
addition, the Bukit Gorblok has also started a network of home-cell groups in
each housing estate which meet once a week in the local chapter leader's home.
The
aim is to encourage friends who are or are "at
risk" of turning cosmopolitan to attend, in the hope of dissuading them
from doing so.
The
meetings are often very intense. In one such meeting, participants had their
heads bowed in contemplation when suddenly, someone broke out in a tongue seldom
heard nowadays - Hokkien.
Head
swaying in rapture, the exclaimer repeatedly muttered, "Ni na beh! Ni na
beh! Hor lee too lan! Hor lee too lan!" as the others began a
crescendo of clapping and stomping of feet. Some even swooned and
fainted.
Things
calmed down only when an officer from the Bukit Gorblok police post came by to
tell the congregation that the karaoke lounge next door had complained about the
cacophony.
Mr.
Kong revealed the inspiration for the programme: his own son had come out as a
cosmopolitan after watching a Theatreworks production two years ago.
"We
were si beh shocked," said Mr. Kong. "But den, we lecided to support
him as a human being and persuade him to come to his senses. Den one day,
after Brother Piah Chui ministered to him and told him that all cosmopolitans
would tio hoot by the Chap Sar Tiam secret society, he accepted the heartland
for his own self. Praise the heartland."
Meanwhile,
People Not Dissimilar to Ourselves, a support group for cosmopolitans, has
criticised Bukit Gorblok Community Centre.
"Cosmopolitans
are people too, you know," said Mr. Cheah Kan Tang. "I think it's very
irresponsible to mount what is essentially a discriminatory campaign, when
cosmopolitans are already facing so much pressure and so many problems at home
because of their social orientation."
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Kampung Camp To Become More Authentic
by K. K. Cheow
The Ministry of Education is providing more funds to
enable the organisers of a 'kampung life' camp to make their programme more
authentic.
The 5 day outdoor camp, which features such theme
park-like touches such as teachers clad in sarongs and clogs and chickens
running loose, is an outdoor camp run by Learning Vision childcare centre for children aged four to
12.
"It's a very good idea," said MOE spokesman Kah
Ghee Nah. "And to encourage more such uniquely Singaporean ventures, we
will be giving the organisers $500,000 to make their camp more like a real
kampung circa 1950s Singapore."
Some of the proposed 'authentic kampung' features include:
