Story Archive 37

NUS' New Gifted Undergrads Encouraged to Breed
by Pak Cham Kai and Egglena Tan

The 700 National University of Singapore undergraduates who have been selected for their new gifted scheme are also being encouraged to breed amongst themselves.

The new University Scholars Programme, which is being launched next month, is supposed to groom the scholars for future leadership roles through a combination of specially designed courses, a one-year stint at a leading overseas university and also, according to the Straits Times report, training in how ' to think and write clearly and effectively'. Analogised to 'operating an Ivy League university within a state university', NUS hopes that the USP will turn out leaders for the new economy 'who can integrate knowledge creatively'. (see earlier report)

"I'm very happy about being accepted into the USP," said freshman Teo Bay Peoh. "Because by implication, the rest of NUS are not taught to think and write clearly and effectively or to integrate knowledge creatively."

The USP will also include special modules such as speaking English with a foreign accent, sphere-carrying, smoke blowing and other important leadership skills.

But students like Bay Peoh have even more to look forward to now that the government has announced that they will be encouraging USP scholars to breed.

"We need to ensure that Singapore has a sustainable and renewable resource of talent," said Ministry of Eugenics spokesman Dr. Joseph Meng Geh Leh, whose daughter Aryanne will also be joining the USP this year. "And what better source of future talent is there than our current best and brightest?"

USP scholars will be provided with suitable financial incentives as well as a conducive environment to procreate.

For instance, the new Prince George's Park hall of residence, which is exclusively for USP students, will have amenities like heart shaped jacuzzis, piped-in Kenny G and Barry White music, and candlelit hall dinners featuring an oyster bar. Of course, all residents will live in ivory towers.

Even the name of the hall was chosen for its auspicious genetic engineering overtones: Prince George's Park is named after Prince George of Denmark, husband of the then heiress to the throne of England, Princess Anne.

"It denotes both exclusivity and selective in breeding," said Prince George's Park master Professor Jee Neh Teck. "Just like the royal family."

"Security and privacy will also be of the highest priority at Prince George's," said Prof. Jee. "We have to ensure that the riff-raff from the other halls don't come in and lure our precious boys and girls away to create mongrels."

For similar reasons, the Internal Security Department will also police the USP scholars when they are on their overseas stints.

"Youngsters at their hormonal highest are easily tempted to sample cross-cultural sex when abroad," said Prof. Jee. "The ISD agents will be there to ensure that they do so only with people who could count as 'foreign talent'."

When asked whether this added responsibility would be burdensome, the ISD responded only by saying that "It's okay. We like to watch."

Most of the non-USP cohort of NUS seemed to take the news of the breeding programme in stride.

"It's appropriate and quite expected," said arts undergrad May Chien Too. "They're all a bunch of fuckers after all."

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved.
(If you're circulating this by email to your friends, please include this attribution. It's only polite, leh!)

Singapore's Politicians Not Humourless: They Just Want To Be Saht Saht Boh Chio
by Hen of God

Psychologists reveal that the seeming humourlessness of Singaporean politicians is not due to heartlessness or social ineptitude as commonly suspected, but rather a desire to be saht saht boh chio - that ethereal state of coolness usually associated with supermodels. (see definition in Coxford Singlish Dictionary)

It is a mystery that has puzzled Singaporeans for ages. Why do our politicians seem so humourless?

65 year-old ex-civil servant, Mr Jin Kia Si commented, “Yah, actually this is something my colleagues and I have been thinking about for very long. In my office last time, we have to be careful not to joke about the MPs and Ministers, because everyone also know they won’t think it’s funny. I heard a rumour that there's a memo in the Ministry of Foreign Affairs banning retelling of the famous Wong Kan Seng 'bon appetit' joke. Donno whether true or not, but it's believable."

"That's why," agreed political activist Mr. Shames Gonads, former executive director of independent political watchdog Stink Centre. "Every small unfavourable comment only want to sue for defamation. And just over a month ago, when we declared that we would be running in the next GE, wah lau, many of them made all these garang comments. And then when we revealed that it was all an April Fool's joke, we still kena from them! Joke also cannot! Relac one corner, leh - you're going to win, no matter what!"

It was this widespread public perception of local politicians as thin-skinned and unable to take a joke that spurred psychologist Dr. Tok Too Mei to conduct a pioneering research study on its underlying psychological causes.

"They are all clearly very intelligent, educated people," said Dr. Tok. "So it was a bit incongruous that they'd be so reactionary and unrelentingly serious. Just listen to BG Lee's recent statements that if you go on a political rally, you're not allowed to sing a song. I mean, to the average person, that makes no sense. The whole point of rallies is to listen to people talk cock sing song. If you can't sing song, that only leaves talking cock. Not very entertaining."

"I wanted to find out how come such brilliant people don't seem to understand the common impulses of the average Singaporean - which is usually to chill out, have some makan, share a few jokes. Why would people with such great intellectual ability react so humourlessly to even the smallest provocation?"

"Again, listen to the government's need to regulate the Net during the Election, and BG Lee's complaint that 'there are all sorts of mosquito sites that have nobody to sign their names at the bottom and you can find all kinds of rubbish there.' It shows how much faith they have in people - that they honestly think people would irrationally believe or favour uncorroborated rumours over cogent political argument! Come on, we're not some Third World country anymore. Why would people with an almost guaranteed position of power prefer to tread on our constitutional right to free speech rather than debate the issues?"

The surprising answer, according to Dr. Tok's research, is that Singaporeans have indeed been too judgmental in the past, attributing politicians' apparent humorlessness to either heartlessness or living in ivory towers.

After conducting in-depth studies with a large number of Singapore politicians (whose names must remain secret out of professional confidentiality), Dr. Tok believes many actually suffer from a severe self-esteem problem and that their apparent humourlessness emanates from their desire to hide their fears behind a mask that is saht saht boh chio.

"To be saht saht boh chio is to appear like supermodels, with the cheeks sucked in, and giving off that distant, smouldering mystique," said Dr. Tok. "Very cool. Very saht."

One MP who participated in the study, Mr Been Orh Orh (not his real name) admits, “Everyone in the world seems to favor people who are saht saht boh chioh. Look at all the supermodels – they all don’t smile. They look so strong, so tough, so invulnerable, and the world loves them!”

Mr Been has even pinned pictures of smile-less supermodels next to his bathroom mirror so that every morning, he is reminded to be saht saht boh chio.

Saht Saht Boh Chio:
Pictures reproduced from Mr Been’s mirror.

Said Dr. Tok, "You must understand, most Singapore politicians were high achievers in school. So naturally they were hated by their classmates. Probably called names like 'sah kah tzua', or 'mugger toad'. And despite having attained the highest positions in the land, they still aren't liked. Their puzzlement and resentment has led them to try to adopt the personae of persons they think the general populace revere - like pop stars and supermodels. Unfortunately, this is a rather perverse reaction which reinforces the view of them as weird."

Dr. Tok believes that to help Singapore politicians overcome their perversity, we should empathise with them, rather than reproach them.

“I really think that I have to come out and advocate for these politicians, who have no real voice as they are so afraid of affecting their popularity," said Dr. Tok. "Most normal people wouldn’t begin to imagine the pain that being in politics in Singapore puts one through. Think about being constipated for 4 years. That’s how your politicians feel on a daily basis, when they shake your hand in the hawker center, when they pinch your baby’s cheek and tell you how cute she is. As politicians, they have to do all these hypocritical things, and yet nobody appreciates them."

"If we want to help our politicians become more normal, we must lend them our support. Show them that it's okay to be human," added Dr. Tok. "That's why I'm advocating a national 'Have You Hugged Your MP Today?' campaign."

The Ministry of Public Affairs has reacted cautiously to Dr. Tok's research. Said spokesman Mr. Choe Pee Ah at a press conference today, "We are studying Dr. Tok's report in detail. However, while we support any endeavour to make our politicians more sympathetic to the people, we don't necessarily agree with all of her conclusions. For instance, we don't believe that our politicians are humourless. In fact, they have a great sense of humour. Look at the evidence: they banned chewing gum, publicly humiliate litterbugs and placed a political dissident on a holiday resort island. Come on, that's funny!"

Dr. Tok believes that there is also a discreet and simple home remedy for politicians who feel humourless but are still afraid to seek help.

“There is a therapy we have tried with considerable success," she said. "First, take the pictures of the supermodels off your bathroom wall, if you have them there. Then, walk resolutely to your computer terminal, take baby steps if necessary. Then log on and point your browser to www.TalkingCock.com and let your laughter ring out. Let it all out, loud and clear. Life has never been the same again for the politicians who have tried this therapy. Try it. It is safe and nobody has to know. In fact, I think any MP who tells his constituents he reads TalkingCock.com and finds it funny will probably win their votes because they'll think he's one of them.”

When apprised of Dr. Tok's recommendation, Mr. Big Cock, the editor in chief of TalkingCock.com said, "We are flattered, although I don't know if knowing that politicians read us will attract readers or frighten them away."

Still, TalkingCock.com is supportive of Dr. Tok's calls to sympathise with politicians.

"We owe our success to our humourless politicians," said Mr. Cock. "So we're glad to help. And all of us here at our offices in Bukit Gorblok central, from myself to the photocopy Ah Lien and the kopi auntie want to say... 'WE LOVE YOU!' In fact, we're sending our kopi auntie to represent us in the 'Have You Hugged Your MP Today?' campaign."

PM Goh and Bush to Focus on Language Issues
by K. K. Cheow

Prime Minister Goh Chok Tong's meeting with US President George W. Bush this week will focus on language issues. In line with the Speak Good English campaign, PM Goh wishes to align Singaporeans' use of English with standard US English, in order to facilitate better communication with the world's most advanced economy. President Bush welcomed the move, saying that "There are much the US can contributilate to Singapore English."

Some have expressed skepticism about how qualified Mr. Bush is to advise on communication, with his well-documented history of mangled statements such as:

	"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."
	"They misunderestimated me." and
	"Is our children learning?"

However, PM Goh dismissed such views, saying, "President Bush is definitely someone who can understand Singapore's point of view. Both he and Singapore don't have the best grasp of English, yet we have the highest aspirations. And George has finally achieved his. We want to learn how he overcame his linguistic difficulties to become the world's most powerful man."

"I can totally comprehenderstand the Prime Minister's perspectivision on the issue," said President Bush. "It's imperative that a person are able to speak properly."

"Actually," continued Mr. Bush. "I don't think the situation in Singapore is as bad as here. Prime Minister Goh only occasionally mispronounces words. Like he pronounces 'benevolent' as 'benny-volent' and 'revered' as 'reviewed'. Whereas I can't even grammaticulate proper sentences."

"Anyway, I don't think my success has anything to do with my overcoming my language misabilities," said Mr. Bush. "It's having a great vice-president who's actually running the show while I nap in the afternoons. That's what Prime Minister Goh needs: a deputy who is happy with completely running the show on his own."

MPs’ MPS go High-Tech
by Dan Kok

Information technology is revolutionising Members of Parliament’s Meet-the-People sessions. It has helped to cut the waiting time at many People's Action Party branches, and also aid MPs in dealing with the rising complexity of constituents' problems.

"This Microsoft Word thingy is really amazing, I can use all kinds of type face and change the size of the letters so easily. This is cool!" said an elated Peng San GRC MP Elli Terate.

"Apparently it also provides intelligence on the constituents I am meeting,’ he added, pointing to the little sticker that said 'Intel Inside'. "The ISD has done a great job."

Previously, even for a simple problem that can be solved in 10 minutes, a constituent may still have to wait several weeks because of the long queue. Middle-aged party members assigned to help the MPs would have to grudgingly plod through through stacks of bulky files and government documents to locate case files.

Last year, each of the PAP's 83 branches saw an average of 873 cases. It was 977 in 1999, 835 in 1998 and 831 in 1997. The decline in MP productivity from 1999 to 2000 had to be addressed in view of the coming General Elections.

One MP hit upon the idea of storing files on computers when his cleaning lady reminded him there was a 286 model draped with plastic covers sitting underneath his office desk.

A leading private-sector IT consultant from the USA was appointed to conduct a feasibility study and devise implementation plans. Within nine months and with a 20-million dollar grant from the National Productivity Board, each PAP MP was equipped with a state-of-the-art multimedia-enabled internet-ready desktop computer with broadband connection.

The impact was immediately felt by the constituents. It was a shorter wait this time round for Mr Pok Kai, 63, who needed help to pay for his daughter's school fees and SMS service.

He went to see his MP, Mr See Beh Sian (Cheese Coast GRC). Within 5 hours of getting a queue number, a helper began to input the details of Mr Pok's case into a computer.

Some 4 days later, when he saw his MP, Mr See already had the facts of his case although he had not had time to review them prior to the meeting.

A few Internet-savvy constituents also e-mail appeals for help to their MPs.

Said Mr See: "We hope to be faster one day by forwarding appeal emails to the relevant government agencies making sure they understand it is from a PAP MP, and tell them it is their responsibility to respond to the constituent directly. That will speed up our work here greatly and make us look really good."

Said a very helpful Mr Tai Chi Chuen (Tanjong Pangang GRC): "As long they come with a name and an email address, I will forward their emailed details to the relevant agency on their behalf. I am happy to take this trouble for my loyal constituents."

Potong Pasar MP Ken Tahan and Chougang MP Low Pro File said they cannot use computers to help their constituents. Unlike PAP MPs, who can use party branches and PAP kindergartens, they hold their meet-the-people sessions at void decks in public housing estates, which makes connection to electrical outlets somewhat troublesome.

They also do not receive appeals by email. Many of the constituents who call on Opposition MPs for help could not afford to internet accounts as their property assets have depreciated drastically.

But the Opposition MPs remain cheerful. "We're now upgrading and hope to link ourselves and our constituents up using two tin cans and a length of wire soon."