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PAP Launches Pop Supergroup To Trounce Opposition Boy Band
by Lau Cheow and K.K. Cheow

The People's Action Party is determined not to be outdone by the Opposition's formation of a boy band, and has formed a pop group of their own.  Starring two of the PAP's heaviest hitters, Deputy Prime Minister BG Lee Hsien Loong and Trade & Industry Minister BG George Yeo, and featuring the debut of Singapore Telecom chief BG Lee Hsien Yang, this 70s-style supergroup will be called the BGs! 

Several weeks ago, the various opposition parties teamed up to form a pop group. Called the Backbench Boys, it featured Mr. J.B. Jeyaretnam, Mr. Low Thia Khiang, Mr. Chiam See Tong, Dr. Chee Soon Juan and Mr. Steve Chia.  The Backbench Boys have managed to chalk up an impressive series of gigs at 7th month getais throughout the island.

Said PAP Elections Committee spokesman Mr. Gerry Mandhir, "Our initial reaction was to ban the Backbench Boys, as we felt that couching their political stance in terms of pop music would have given them an unfair advantage in terms of popular outreach."

"However, we came to realise that we could harness the power of pop music for ourselves," said Mr. Mandhir. "After all, the PAP has a lot more experience in giving people a song and dance."

It was a conscious decision to choose ex-military Ministers for the line-up, as their experience with precision drill could translate easily to choreographed dance steps.

This made Deputy Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong and Trade & Industry Minister George Yeo obvious choices.  

Education Minister Rear-Admiral Teo Chee Hean was also shortlisted, but it was felt that as a Navy, and not an Army, officer, his training was not as appropriate.

"During auditions, he was asked to join BGs Lee and Teo for a ballad," said Mr. Mandhir. "However, when they were asked to sway in unison, the motion must have somehow triggered a flashback to RADM Teo's seafaring days.  He started shouting, 'Avast, ye land-lubbers! Mizzen the mast and batten down the hatches!' and then began to sing 'Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum' instead of the specified song."

Home Affairs Minister Wong Kan Seng was also a top contender, revealed Mr. Mandhir.

"However, while Wong can sing," he quipped. "Wong can't dance."

Eventually, it was decided to co-opt another ex-military superstar into the group: BG Lee's brother and fellow Brigadier General: SingTel CEO BG Lee Hsien Yang.

"We know he's not running for political office," explained Mr. Mandhir. "But as the chief of a former government agency and the nation's primary telco, he has as much power as a politician. So he kind of fits in."

The repertoire for the BGs was also carefully chosen.

"We wanted them to perform songs that had as broad a reach as possible," said Mr. Mandhir. "The Backbench Boys' material is a little too juvenile.  We eventually decided the BGs should do covers of  their namesakes, the Bee Gees, as they evoke nostalgia amongst older voters while also possessing a certain retro-cool for the youngsters."

Mr. Oh Poh Seng, a spokesman for the Backbench Boys was less than impressed. "So much for creativity and risk-taking. They're just rehashing old formulas. Typical. Unlike the Backbench Boys, who are offering original material."

The BGs will be making their debut this weekend at Bukit Gorblok Community Centre at a sold-out concert.

Many Bukit Gorblok residents are both thrilled and curious to see the BGs 'live'. 

"The real Bee Gees all sing very high-pitched," said Bukit Gorblok resident Tay Lum Pah. "As if someone squeezing their balls like that.  But with the gah'men, we're more used to having ours squeezed instead.  So this will be a night of sweet irony."

"I've seen bits of their act already," said Bukit Gorblok KTV enthusiast Chin Pai Tiah . "And actually, I think they are all still a little stiff, and somewhat out of sync. But, well, what do you expect?"

"The BGs are very excited," said Mr. Mandhir. "And in keeping with the current economic policy of fiscal restraint, they will be tightening their belts.  Which will probably enable them to hit the high notes. There's always a silver lining to every cloud!" 

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved. 
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PAP MPs Feed The Five Thousand, Raise The Dead, Heal The Lame and Kiss Babies
by Kway Png

At Hong Kan GRC's Family Day last weekend, PAP MPs did feats which many residents considered "miraculous."

The Bukit Gorblok Sports Stadium was thronged yesterday by residents of Hong Kan GRC for the special Family Day festivities.  And Hong Kan GRC MPs Mr. Choe Boh Lan, Mr. Mohd. Buatapa bin Puntaktahu and Colonel (NS) Uppgradum s/o Onlifdeyvotfommy were on hand to ensure that a good time was had by all.

"It was incredible," said resident Mr. Kiah Chee Tao. "They made sure that the more than five thousand people who came by all had some makan.  At least one fish ball and a spring roll each."

Said Bukit Gorblok Community Centre staff member Cheng Hu Kang, "Yes, it was miraculous that everyone got a bite to eat, considering the budget we gave our caterer.  Although he complained it was only enough to buy a couple of loaves and fishes, it looks like he got very creative with what he was given. Well, he better if he wants to continue doing events for the CC."

Apparently, Mr. Choe had insisted that food be a priority at the festivities. 

"Hunger makes the people discontented, and we can't have that at Family Day," he said. "Especially so near the election."

In the meantime, Mr. Buatapa was presiding over the exhuming of the Bukit Gorblok Cemetery, which is being relocated.  Said Mr. Buatapa, "The land here is very valuable and can be put to much better use for residents.  So we're shifting  the remains to places that are less developed."

The cemetery will be moved to sites in Potong Pasir and Hougang. 

Scores of residents had turned up in a ceremony of respect, to watch as large excavators unearthed their loved ones' remains, and lifted them into big trailers for their onward journey.

"I invited the residents to come because it was a gesture of compassion and understanding," said Mr. Buatapa. "I think it's good for them to see how respectfully we are raising their dead."

While Mr. Choe and Mr. Buatapa were engaged in their respective events, their colleague Colonel (NS) Uppgradum s/o Onlifdeyvotfommy was attending a constituency joke contest.

Resident Mr. Boh Ho Cheoh, 62, was onstage, and judging by the groans of the audience, was clearly having a bad day.

"And then, when the ambassador said, 'bon appetit' to him, the Minister replied, 'Wong Kan Seng.' You know why or not? Ha?" chuckled Mr. Boh, largely to himself. "Because in Singapore, when you hear Wong Kan Seng's name, you become very hungry and got appetite to eat buns."

While the audience prepared to hurl overripe fruit at Mr. Boh, Colonel (NS) Onlifdeyvotfommy merely shook his head and smiled. 

"He's very lame, I know, but you know, we must encourage them," he said. "Many Mediacorp sitcom writers started at events like this."

"So we mustn't be harsh on the lame, we should try to cure them," he continued. "And this should do the trick in healing his fractured sense of humour!"

The Colonel then handed Mr. Boh a mint copy of the Ministry of Information & The Arts' recently-issued guidelines on government-approved humour.

The three MPs later convened for the final event in the Family Day schedule: the constituency baby show.  All three were judges and the winner was declared to be little Chin Koh Ai of Block 369 Bukit Gorblok Street 13.

Said Mrs. Chin, Koh Ai's mother, "We are very happy to win this.  Some more we got photo of Koh Ai being kissed on her chubby cheeks by all three MPs."

"Eh?" said Mrs. Chin suddenly, furrowing her brow as she looked down on a wailing Koh Ai. "How come her cheeks got this rash one?"

Family Day organisers were full of praise for their MPs' their handling of the day's events. 

"The day was a resounding success. When our MPs get together, they can really work miracles. They are clearly God's gift to our residents," said Mr. Cheng Hu Kang. "Especially Mr. Choe, who did everything on such short notice, having only just returned from a grueling Foreign Affairs Ministry trip to the Middle East, where amongst other things, he parted the Red Sea and turned water into wine."

The MPs preferred not to comment, and just smiled and waved goodbye to us as they walked over the surface of the pond to their waiting cars. 

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved. 
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Ministry of the Environment Unveils Singapore’s Future Hawker Centre 
by Sambal Ayam

In a surprise move, the Ministry of Environment today announced plans and rules for hawker centres which will be implemented from January 2002.

This follows top-secret half-hour consultations with grass-roots committees on what major issues and irritations most concerned HDB heartlanders. 

A spokesman for the ministry, BG (NS) Harry Kwok, said, “These changes will improve public service, hygiene and enable more customers to be served on any given day, particularly during the peak office lunch hours. Of course we will allow interested parties adequate time to review, consider and to put forward counter-proposals and objections which is why we have asked for detailed written submissions from interested parties – by tomorrow.” 

An overview of the radical changes, which was well received by at least 3 of the 5 nightwatchmen outside the Ministry’s premises (“Wah, dam fine plan, can whack food then go back to sleep even faster now” was a typically enthusiastic comment), is given below : 

Peak Hour Pricing 

Gantries and turnstiles will be erected at all entrances and exits into hawker centres. 

Customers will slide their IC’s and cash-cards into a slot to identify themselves and pay for entry.

It was stressed that, although the ministry had considered it, any information on employees taking more than the normally-allowed one hour for lunch would not be passed onto employers.

Entry prices will depend on time of entry (as in the well-received ERP system) e.g. 50 cents for peak hour per person, 25 cents off peak. Peak hours defined as between 11.30 am and 1.30 pm daily weekdays. 

(Total Defence considerations – the number of Operationally Ready NS men admitted to the hawker centre will be closely monitored and limited to 150 at any one time. This is to limit loss of defence personnel as intelligence gathered indicates hawker centres are major civilian targets.) 

Pensioners will enjoy discounts, which will be granted automatically by the system’s data from the IC. Spot checks of IC’s will be carried out to ensure that customers do not borrow their grandparents IC to gain the lucrative pensioner discounts. 

Cameras will be stationed at each gantry to take pictures of offenders who do not pay the entry fee; and hawker centre guards will be alerted automatically by real-time alarms with instant printouts of the offender’s face. 

Non-Singaporeans, primarily Westerners/employment pass-holders, will be charged higher entry prices. This is to reflect the empirically proven fact that many ang mors are brought to hawker centres just for fun by locals who want to watch their reaction to the hygiene standards. 

As a result, most ang mors do not normally finish their meals completely, resulting in wastage. To exacerbate matters ang mors usually take up more physical space than a Singaporean in an already crowded environment. 

New Payment Methods 

Payment for all food and services will only be allowed by cash card. Each stall will be given a specially designed computerised reader called CUNTS (Central Unit Numbering & Ticketing System). CUNTS will be used by the customer to input his order as well as pay for it (by swiping his cash-card). Orders will be confirmed as fulfilled by the stallholder swiping his card through the slit in CUNTS to claim payment. 

To expedite service, stall holders will be encouraged to serve standardised servings - small, medium, large and ML (Moses Lim) portions. 

FART – under the FART scheme (Frequent And Regular Trade) regular customers will be given cash bonuses if they frequent the centre more than 15 times a week. This bonus will automatically be credited to the relevant customer’s cash card on his 16th entry. 

Discount Schemes

To offset the new entry charge, a series of discounts will be given. 

Cleanliness – stall holders will be given rent rebates dependant on their cleanliness rating. For example, stalls with a Class A rating will initially be given 15% discount, which will be reduced to 5% over the next two years. Class C and below stalls will be subject to random cockroach inspections of their foodstocks. 

Crockery & Cutlery Return

To encourage customers to return crockery & cutlery, discounts will be given each time a tray with these is returned to a “cleaning-station”. Indian/Muslim patrons who eat with their own hands will be given additional discounts reflecting their environmentally-friendly method of consumption. 

This move is expected to cut the number of staff employed as collectors by at least 60% based on a study done at Newton Circus. 

Temperature 

The Ministry has noted numerous complaints about the heat in many hawker centres. Whilst it is still studying the economic viability of air-conditioning all centres, it has, in the meantime, generously agreed to allow customers discounts if the temperature of a hawker centre rises above a specified level. This is currently set at 32 degrees C, and the initial discount is 40 cents. 

Automatically-triggered fire extinguishers will be stationed in char kway teow and steamboat stalls, and will come on if temperatures exceed 35 degrees C. 

Regulations

One-Quarter Empty Rule – the stomachs of potential patrons, especially during peak hours, must be at most one quarter full before entry into the hawker centre.

The ministry spokesman explained “seating space in a hawker centre is precious, particularly during peak hours. Therefore to ensure more efficient utilisation of that space we must ensure that genuinely hungry customers are given preference above say people wanting a small snack. After all, no less a person than Napoleon Bonaparte said that “a nation marches on it’s stomach” and we all know how
important a role food plays in Singapore !” 

This rule will be enforced by using a special apparatus called BANAL (Blow And No Anymore Leceh) invented by Professor Ho Tong Ngor of NUS’s department of Mechanical Biology.

This measures the fullness of an individual’s stomach by analysing the amount of methane in his breath. Methane is a by-product of digestion, hence breath-methane analysis can be directly linked to stomach fullness. 

Patrons will be required to pass the BANAL test on entering a hawker centre, and only having passed the One-Quarter test will they then be allowed to swipe their IC and cash-cards into CUNTS. 

Three-Quarters Rule on exit – again citing the need to properly utilise precious peak hour seating space , the ministry also advised that patrons will need to verify that their stomachs are at least three-quarters full before exiting the hawker centre.

“Clearly,” said the spokesman. “There is no point in anyone coming to eat only a little bit at peak hours. You take up space meant for really hungry people, so you should make best use of the opportunity.”

Customers not passing the three-quarters BANAL test will be fined $2.00 from their cash card on exit. 

Value-Added Services

Pre-booking of tables – for a charge of $1.50 customers will be allowed to pre-book their favourite tables by calling or sending SMS messages (in a pre-defined format) to CUNTS.

A specially set-aside area in each hawker centre will have tables with LCD’s showing if it has been booked. This will save customers the effort of “choping” tables at peak times.

Some die-hard “chopers”, whilst accepting the inevitable advancement of technology, expressed sadness in losing their familiar challenge of beating all others to the best and cleanest table in the hawker centre. 

One gentleman reminisced, “Formerly was bleddy fun to run down here at 12.00 lunchtime. Always chope best table, nearest the cheapest and best wanton mee stall. Then feel like King seeing how every person kena stand and wait for me to finish my noodle with extra char siew plus wanton soup.”

“Next time, ah,” he said, sighing. “Cannot anymore leh. Must waste 10 cent phone. This kinds of tradition should keep, hor?” 

In addition, a roving squad of “seat-patters” will charge a small fee of 50 cents to wipe, disinfect and fan-cool any seat, followed by the customary pat-down with Watson’s tissues. 

Developments in Singapore food technology 

Key to the governments efforts is the development of "state-of-the-art" Hawker food. 

Low Fat nasi lemak, Standard shaped and sized Loh Bak and soggy proof Popiah wrappers are said to be in development. 

Also attempts are being made to genetically modify "Fatty" Chan's 100 year old wok with which he made the finest Kway Teow in Johore (Naturally!) so that "Fatty" Chan's standard will become the standard by which all Hawker Centres will perform to.

NUS scientists have so far isolated 95 of the estimated 10,000 layers of carbonised lard and fat that gives his food its special flavour. Work is continuing amid strict security and jealously guarded secrecy. 

Also mighty Muthusamy's Chendol with its special clotted coconut, brown sugar and pinch of ghee gravy will be the new milk shake of the Millennium once storage and relative longevity issues are overcome. Unconfirmed sources have had the Muthusamy's Chendol lasting up to three days in storage with relatively few lethal effects. 

The Singapore Long-term Investment Ministerial Enterprise (SLIME) Board is rumoured to be in negotiations with a certain US based multinational food store to introduce miniature hawker centres in Moscow, Riga, Tallahassee and Vatican City (apparently Kway Teow and Chendol at lunch time is a particular favourite of a certain cleric).

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved. 
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Raffles, Confucius and Sang Nila Utama Endorse PAP From Beyond
by Supreme Kok

The Ministry of Astrology today issued a statement saying that Sir Thomas Stamford Raffles, Confucius and Sang Nila Utama have issued endorsements of the ruling People's Action Party from the otherworld.

Said PAP Elections Committee spokesman Mr. Gerry Mandhir, "We are indeed flattered to receive these endorsements from such great historical figures.  We regard this as yet more proof to refute allegations that the PAP does not represent the voice of the people."

TalkingCock interviewed the three historical greats using the crystal ball conferencing equipment at the Ministry, in the presence of government astrologer Master Pian Ah Pek.

Said Sir Thomas, who founded modern Singapore in 1819, "I believe that the People's Action Party have done an absolutely smashing job.  I must say I certainly wouldn't have been able to transform a small fishing and entrepot village into a major technopolis.  Especially since I died before the word 'technopolis' was even coined!"

Meanwhile, venerated Chinese sage Confucius said, "Confucius said, 'Truly, Singapore is the epitome of the modern Confucian state. Although I admit I have no way of knowing, since I don't really know what even an ancient Confucian state looked like.  I know some people have said that Singapore is closer in philosophy to my rivals, the Legalists, than the Confucianists, but I disagree because Singapore has obviously done very well, so it must mean they followed me. So there!'"

Sang Nila Utama also heaped praise on the PAP. "Look, when I was around, the island was overrun by wild beasts and the waters were swimming with mythological hybrid creatures. I mean, if lions are screwing fishes and having mutant kids, that's a sign of a pretty rosak country. Now it's clean and orderly, and the lions and fishes have their own parks and aren't engaging in crimes against nature."

When asked why they were issuing such endorsements, all unanimously replied that a prominent Singaporean was likely to join them in a few years, and they wanted to get on his good side.

"He can be quite teruk with you if you piss him off," said Sang Nila Utama.

Some commentators have viewed the endorsements with skepticism. 

Said opposition spokesman Mr. Oh Poh Seng, "What use is this? They're dead. They don't have to live with their policies.  Nor do they have to worry about retribution."

Sir Thomas disagreed. "Nonsense.  If we don't endorse them, then they might not upgrade the golf courses here as they have been promising to do."

However, Ministry of Propaganda spokesman Mr. Kah Lee Kong says that the government deeply values such endorsements.  "When great historical figures give endorsements, they also influence our ancestors. And Singaporeans, being a filial lot, will surely not tempt the wrath of their ancestors by not voting PAP."

The Ministry of Astrology says it expects to receive further endorsements within the next few weeks from other luminaries such as Plato, Machiavelli, Walt Disney and Santa Claus.

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved. 
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TalkingCock Staff To Give Gah'men BJs In Exchange For Permission To Continue
by Pak Cham Kai

Shocked that they were labelled a political website subject to possible regulation by the Straits Times, TalkingCock.com is now brokering an amnesty deal with the government, where they will provide them with oral services in return for being allowed to continue.

The staff of Singapore's top satirical website, TalkingCock.com, was shocked to discover last week that they were considered a 'political site' and according to the Straits Times, the most popular one at that. (See editorial note)

"Wah lau," said Big Cock, TalkingCock's editor in chief. "All along we thought we were just playing the fool.  You mean got some people take us seriously? How are we to play the fool if we're being read by fools as well?"

Faced with the threat of possible shutdown, the Bukit Gorblok-based humour site embarked on a pre-emptive move: they went to see their MP, Mr. Choe Boh Lan, to explain their side and possibly broker a deal to enable them to keep going.

"I explained to them the need to make all content providers fall in line with acceptable and approved standards," said Mr. Choe, who is an MP for Hong Kan GRC of which Bukit Gorblok forms a part.  

"And we understood that we should be like all approved publications," said Mr. Cock. "So we volunteered to give them blow jobs."

"We think giving oral sex is a brilliant way of demonstrating that we don't disrespect the government," concurred senior editor Lau Cheow. "This way they can really see, coming from our own mouths, how tua kee we think the gah'men is."

Mr. Choe said that a Parliamentary Committee has been formed to consider TalkingCock's proposal.

"In fact," said Mr. Choe. "We will be convening a special session of Parliament next week so that we can receive TalkingCock's oral submissions."

The TalkingCock staff are frenziedly preparing for their presentation.

During a visit to their offices in Bukit Gorblok central, reporter K.K. Cheow was seen evaluating different mouthwashes, while journalist Kway Png was testing his gag reflexes.

"I force myself to watch re-runs of VR Man," said Mr. Png. "I figured this was the only thing more nauseating than fellating MPs."

"We're working very hard," said Mr. Lau Cheow. "We're getting on our hands and knees to do the job right."

"We definitely want to show our sincerity to the gah'men." said chief manager Ms. Hen of God. "So I'm telling all the staff to swallow. Their pride, that is."

Not all the staff were enthusiastic about the move, however.  Said senior reporter Coq Au Vin, "This sycophancy thing totally sucks."

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved. 
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