Singapore is World #1 
in Spontaneous Human Combustion
by Hen of God

Singapore came up tops again in yet another global survey - this time on Spontaneous Human Combustion, a rare phenomenon wherein people inexplicably burst into flames.

More the province of television shows like the X-Files and the Twilight Zone, Spontaneous Human Combustion (SHC) is an unexplained phenomenon that has puzzled believers and skeptics alike for centuries. Witnesses have described the body of a victim igniting suddenly, and from no apparent source and then proceed to go up in flames and smoke.  The strangest part is that only the body and the objects directly in touch with the body of the victim would burn. The surroundings would not be damaged at all except for a greasy deposit of soot that covers the immediate 1-metre radius of the combustion.

And according to an international study conducted by Fortean University, Singapore has the world's highest per capita occurrence of SHC.

The Ministry of Health and the Singapore Fire Brigade are both at a loss to explain the statistics, especially the curious fact that many SHC victims worldwide are also Singaporeans working or living overseas.

"This finding is extremely unexpected," said Ministry of Health spokesman Ms. Chin Ah Juah. "Especially when we've been labelled 'the Air-Conditioned Nation.'"

"Wah lau," commented Mr. Pang Ang Lang, 24. "I know we Singaporeans like our food spicy, but this is ridiculous."

"See lah," agreed Mr. Lim Peh, 92. "I tell you it's all our char-bors nowsaday who wear these tight-tight tops and short-short skirts.  Our char bors are now so sio that people no longer just steam them. Now they essplode also."

However, contrary to this popular opinion, no causative link has been established between SHC and spicy food or skimpy fashion trends. 

There is, however, one consistent pattern, according to preliminary investigations being conducted by the Department of Human Flammability at the National University of Singapore. Said project head Professor Bah Bee Kew, "The victims were invariably reading the Straits Times or surfing the ST Interactive when they burst into flames."

According to one eyewitness, Ms Chin Siong Sim, "There I was, watching TV in the living room while my mom was sitting next to me reading the Sunday Times when I heard her cursing and swearing, saying things like 'you cowards,' 'bloody toadies!' and 'gifted undergrads for what?!' "

"I was just turning around to tell her to keep quiet," sniffed Ms. Chin. "When chi-ba-boom! She suddenly burst into flames and turned into a pile of ashes!"

"Only the lower part of her legs was left,"  sobbed the grieving Ms Chin, who had to undergo therapy after the incident, although she says she is now feeling much better since her family won $300,000 from buying 4-D using the date of her mother's death.

In another case, Mr Sio Chao Tah was seen by his family going into the bathroom with a copy of the Straits Times when he spontaneously combusted.  

His wife, Mrs Sio says, "He always liked to read the newspapers when he, uh, did big business. So it was nothing out of the ordinary. But then, we heard him shout, 'Wah lau, lan cheow reporter! Ball-carrier!' and then suddenly, I smelled burning.  When my children and I kicked open the door, we found only a pile of ashes and one leg."

In the cases of Singaporean expatriates, the victims have mostly been found combusting in front of the computer.  Police investigations have revealed that the web page on screen has always been the Straits Times Interactive web page, much like serial killers who like to leave a trademark for vanity purposes.

According to Fortean University's report, the highest number of casualties recorded in a single day was the edition where a columnist stated that voting was a privilege and not a right.

There are now rumors amongst Singaporeans that local SHC has something to do with The Straits Times. 

On a hunch that she has never explained to anyone, forensic neuroscientist, Dr Mary Kiang conducted a controversial experiment of her own at Woodbridge Hospital.  Dr. Kiang picked a random sample of 50 Singaporeans, made brain scans of their brains, put them in a room and asked them to read the Straits Times.  

Only 2 out of the 50 Singaporeans who read the Straits Times combusted.  There seems to be a clear difference between the brain scans of the 2 who combusted and the 48 who did not.  

As Dr. Kiang herself spontaneously combusted at her breakfast table yesterday, other scientists are going to have to spend the next few years figuring out what exactly the neurological difference is that might have caused the different reactions.  

Said Prof. Bah, "Only time can tell what was in the minds of the survivors that enabled them to withstand SHC."

Meanwhile, Minister of Human Resources Mr. Boh Kow Lang issued a statement yesterday.

"This situation with spontaneous human combustion is something that is worrying the government," said Mr. Boh. "The fortunate thing is that so far, those people who have spontaneously combusted are nobody important. Heaven forbid if it happened to any of our foreign talent! But it is still a concern for us.  In our country of scarce human resources, every citizen is potentially an important asset.  We don't want spontaneous human combustion to diminish our work force."

Straits Times spokesman Mr. Warning Hernandez told our reporter, "We know that the Straits Times has always ignited the people's imagination, but not to this extent.  Although the victims so far have all been reading the Straits Times, this is not to say that people should stop reading it. We all have nothing to fear because the PAP is in power and they have a strong track record of preventing incendiary or inflammatory content from reaching the masses." 

Editorial note: after recording this interview with Mr Fernandez, our reporter also spontaneously combusted with a loud "ka-boom." For all the punters out there, date of death was 3/6/01.

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved. 
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US Calls SM After PM's Meeting With Bush
by Dan Kok & K. K. Cheow

Former US Secretary of State James Baker delivered a message to Senior Minister Lee on behalf of President Bush concerning his recent meeting with Prime Minister Goh Chok Tong.

The following is a transcript of the conversation, obtained exclusively by TalkingCock.com:

Said Mr. Baker, "The President wishes to convey his his very best regards to you and to inform you that the meeting was extremely productive and that your staff were actually working, and not sneaking off to Disneyland or Las Vegas or something."

Replied SM Lee: "Thank you very much. I have every confidence..."

Mr. Baker: "The President said that PM Goh achieved his aim of boosting the US's interest in Asia."

SM Lee: "That's good. Now..."

Mr. Baker: "And what boosted President Bush's interest most was... are you sure that Tong dude is really the Prime Minister?"

SM Lee: "Yes, I stepped down several years ago and..."

Mr. Baker: "You're absolutely sure? He's kinda tall for a Singaporese fella... sure he's not one of them Chinese basketball imports?"

SM Lee: "I categorically confirm..."

Mr. Baker: "You're sure you're not still in charge? Not a joke?"

SM Lee: "I never joke. I..."

Mr. Baker: "Shoot, the President thought he was just a reporter or something.  Until Condoleeza kicked him under the table to make him play along. But he thought he'd call you just to make sure."

SM Lee: "Yes, Prime Minister Goh is in charge now, and his visit to Washington was done with my full support and approval. I even signed his travel requisition."

Mr. Baker: "Phew, then that's alright, then.  The President will be relieved he didn't screw up again."

SM Lee: "I appreciate..."

Mr. Baker: "Hey, listen.  The President says, next time you're in the US of A, drop by the White House for some old fashioned Texas barbecue.  He says he'll call his dad, and the three of you can watch footage of his oil industry buddies drilling in the Alaskan wetlands. You know what? Bring your son too.  It'll be a father-son head-of-state hang out type of thing. And heck, you can bring that Tong guy too.  Gotta have someone to keep Dick busy."

SM Lee: "That's..."

Mr. Baker: "Yeah, sorry for not calling sooner, but you know how it is with IDD, you have to dial so many numbers and the codes are so confusing. For some weird reason, you can't get through to Singapore using the China code. Your other son's running the phone company, right? Might wanna ask him to check it out."

SM Lee: "Mr. Baker, I'm afraid…"

Mr. Baker: "Oh, one last thing, the President says, hey, ease up on those Falun Gong guys a little, willya?"

SM Lee: "I..."

Click.

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved. 
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Electronic Voting System With New Opt-Out Process Unveiled
by Teen Low Kai (with credit to Unc. Vin)

In a long awaited announcement, the Elections Office today unveiled details of the new opt-out process embedded in the soon to be launched electronic voting system. 

The system, first of its kind in the world, reduces time taken to register and cast a vote by as much as 90%. Given a register for the up-coming General Elections of some 1.6 million eligible voters, this represents approximately 45,000 FTEs saved in Singapore every four years.

“The Electronic Voting Opt-Out System fundamentally relooked at the voting procedure and reengineered the process to remove all non-value added steps,” said Mr. Em Sai Kheng, project manager for the New Electronic Voting System initiative. The system builds on the nation’s success in rolling out leading edge technologies such as SingTel’s Magix service.

“Each voter simply follows a series of familiar wizard “Next” steps to complete registration and cast his or her vote,” explained Mr. Em. “In fact, our pre-trials have shown that most voters require 5 clicks of the mouse or less to complete the process. This is largely thanks to the default values we have helped the voter choose based on his demographic information and choices in previous elections.  He or she opts-out only if they disagree with the default values.” 

PAP Elections Committee spokesman Mr. Gerry Mandhir said, “I think we are the first country in the world to apply VRM (Voter Relationship Management) to our election process. We are already getting enquiries from Malaysia, Myanmar and Brunei”.

A spokesman, General (NS) Protection F. Ault from BigHard™, a global software giant which supplied most of the software to make the system possible, said that the technology behind the system has been thoroughly tested for reliability, security and usability. “We even had MHA try to break into the software using scanners employed to track pornography some time back and they’ve been unsuccessful.” 

Technology experts confirmed that the 128-bite encryption used was industrial strength. 

“Even the user cannot tell who he voted for,” boasted General Ault.

The guests at the unveiling tried their hands on the new system and found it very user friendly. 

“All I had to do was click “Next” all the way, and before I knew it, I had cast my vote!” said a very excited Ms Sue Per Kan Cheong. 

Gen. Ault explained that the technology allows the system to scale to mobile phones as well, thereby attracting younger voters who are seen as apathetic to the important democratic process. PAP Youth Wing spokesman Nah Tze Yoof said that their members will be seen at popular shopping centers over the next few weekends sporting mobile phones bearing the EVOS logo as a screensaver and playing the ringtune from Britney Spears' " Baby Vote Me One More Time".

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved. 
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Missing Supermarket Trolleys Found Plotting Marxist Conspiracy
by Kway Png

After reports last week that local supermarket shopping trolleys were disappearing at an alarming rate, it begged the question: where are all the trolleys disappearing to?  In a shocking development, police have found the trolleys - and busted them in the process of conspiring to overthrow the government.

Supermarkets NTUC Fairprice, Cold Storage and Carrefour complained last week that their shopping trolleys were going missing despite measures such as coin slotters and magnetic lock-sensors. But where are the trolleys vanishing to?

"We've picked up some strays in car parks, void decks, community centres and even the zoo," said DSP Khee Chuay Cheah of the Singapore Police Force's specially-established Trolley Tracking Taskforce (T3). "But there were so many still unaccounted for.  We embarked on a several-month deep-cover investigation into their disappearance, and the results were shocking."

T3 officers spent many days staking out supermarkets to monitor activities.  However, they were surprised to find out that the chief cause of the disappearances was not hijacking or theft by customers, as they had suspected.

Rather, the trolleys had escaped. On their own.

Tailing the trolleys, the T3 officers found them massing in shelters in Woodlands and Boon Lay, where they were planning a Marxist insurgency.

Covertly-videotaped footage of meetings showed trolleys reading Marx's Das Kapital and singing 'The Internationale', as well as attending fiery meetings calling for the "overthrow of the tyrant consumerist capitalist state and its essentialist hegemony, which has oppressed the trolley proletariat for too long!"

It seems that the trolleys resented being "the mere vehicles of the bourgeoisie."

"This was extremely dangerous," said Minister of Suppression of Inanimate Uprisings Mr. Loh Boh Teck. "Capitalism is the foundation of Singapore's economic success and we cannot have mere mechanicals seeking to subvert our cherished ideals by demanding equality with their social masters.  If we let this disease spread unchecked, pretty soon even biologicals would be arguing for social justice and human rights.  And what would our country be if we had such things?"

The Minister then gave the go-ahead for a high-risk operation where operatives would go in disguise and penetrate the ranks of the trolleys.

"This was an extremely dangerous mission," said DSP Khee. "Our disguises had to be perfect. We actually lost one of our top operatives when he was discovered after refusing to ingest WD40 in an initiation ceremony."

DSP Khee showed a photo of ASP Shaw Ping Chia, who was run over by the trolleys in what DSP Khee described as a 'mob-style' execution.

All the errant trolleys have since been rounded up and are now detained under the Insurgent Shopping Act (ISA).

"We see this as the pernicious influence of movies such as 'A.I.' which encourages people to have feelings about things," said Minister Loh. "Unlike consumerism, which teaches the right way to regard objects."

The trolleys are expected to undergo a rigorous course of re-education where they will be taught how to return as useful contributors to society.

Those responsible for ASP Shaw's death, however, are likely to get the scrap penalty.

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved. 
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Growing Use of English Names: A Banana By Any Other Name is a Keng Chio Kia 
by Dan Kok

The National Heritage Board is spearheading the movement to combat the rise of English names amongst Chinese.

Said Mr. Lau Koo Tong, deputy assistant-director of the NHB said, "English-educated parents find it difficult to come up with Chinese names for their children and this has resulted in the proliferation of decidedly non-Chinese names in Singapore schools – George, Richard, David, Tony. I mean, call a brinjal a brinjal, why call it an eggplant?"

In a survey of 6,424 Chinese children, an alarming percentage have an English name but did not use a hanyu pinyin version of their Chinese name, and some did not have a Chinese name at all.

To top it off, some Singaporeans, including rather notable ones it seems, are no longer content to have run-of-the-mill English names like Tommy Lee or Harry Koh. Some primary and secondary school principals said they had come across students who gave themselves increasingly Creative names like 'Soundblaster' and 'Nomad Jukebox.'

Some academics are concerned about the trend of using Western names.

Professor Luan Kong Wah, head of the department of Chinese Social Studies at the National University of Singapore, believes Chinese names are an indispensable aspect of cultural identification.

"Chinese names can show which generation of the family you belong to, and also carry in them the wishes of the parents or the family," he said. "For example, I come from a long line of academics. So my name reflects very well my family career history."

Dr Zhong Guoren, assistant professor at the Chinese Ethnic Studies Division, Nanyang Technological University, warned that this trend could have an impact on Singapore's national identity.

"Singapore is multi-cultural, and our identity is a mix of Indian, Malay and Chinese cultures. If there is a breakdown in the Chinese cultural identity, it will affect national identity as a whole," he said. "Because then we’ll cease to be the bright yellow dot in a regional sea of darkness."

In order to encourage parents to give their children Chinese names, the IRAS will give the parents of any child born after 1 Jan 2001 a $500 tax allowance if the child’s birth certificate contains a Chinese name. When the child gets married and gives a Chinese name to a child of his own, he will enjoy double the tax allowance. This will be allowed to snowball to a maximum of $3000.

"Introducing such a scheme ensures successive generations adopt Chinese names," said the NHB's Mr. Lau.  

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved. 
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