HAZE: THE TRUTH BEHIND THE SMOKESCREEN

For years, it was believed that the haze wafting over from Indonesia was due to illegal forest-clearing efforts by individuals and  companies, thus making it nearly impossible for the Indonesian government to police effectively, especially in its current state of turmoil.

However, after extensive undercover investigations, sources have revealed that there has been a major cover-up by the Indonesian authorities, and in fact, by the rest of ASEAN.

Intelligence sources have revealed that the cause of the haze is not due to land-clearing exercises by farmers, as Singapore was led to believe.

"The truth is," said Ministry of Foreign Affairs spokesman Chin Yeow Kwee to a packed press conference, "We have evidence showing that the cause of the haze is in fact a very large satay party thrown by the Indonesian government."

"And," added Mr. Chin grimly, " Singapore was not invited."

A screen flickered to life behind Mr. Chin, showing a photograph of a large buffet table, packed to overflowing with tender, juicy meat-skewers, positioned conveniently near generous bowls of savoury peanut sauce, followed by stills of ASEAN and other politicians from neighbouring countries tucking in gleefully.

"We see from satellite photos that Mr. Nguyen Shallwemeetaguyen, a Vietnamese junior Minister was one of the attendees, as was His Excellency Mr. Pritipalli Wansakraka, the Thai Vice-Consul to Ruritania.  That's His Excellency dipping a stick of succulent chicken satay into the kuah now.  And the Malaysian contingent are clearly savouring every little square of ketupat."

Mr. Chin used a laser pointer to show a detail in the background of one of the photographs. "As you can see, this is a very large event, with what our sources estimate to be several thousand satay-cooks fanning their flames and grilling the satay to luscious perfection.  And the bastards didn't even set aside a piece of cucumber for us!"

Mr. Chin then brandished a letter, which was a statement issued by the Indonesian government in response to the Singapore government's inquiry about the snub. The very brief letter simply stated:

"We deeply apologize for our oversight.  We thought the whole of Singapore was away that month for the UN Millennium Summit.  But we've definitely put you down for our annual Chendol festival."

Mr. Chin's voice quivered with rage. "We can only see this response as manifest disingenuity on the part of people we have always regarded as valued neighbours.  As if a mere milky coconut and red bean dessert could make up for morsels of juicy, char-grilled meat bathed in a rich, nutty gravy.  Why, this is almost an act of war!"

Calming down slightly, Mr. Chin added briskly, "But we're civilized people.  Neh'mine.  Let's see how they feel when their invitation to our annual Cheng Tng party is 'lost in the mail'."

COEs FOR SKATE SCOOTERS

In the wake of complaints by Singaporeans about nearly being mowed down by children and teenagers riding skate scooters, and the rise in number of reported skate scooter accidents at hospitals, the government has decided to take bold, innovative action.

But it's not the National Safety Council that's initiating the move, it's the Ministry of Communications, whose portfolio includes transport management. 

Said MinCom spokesman Mr. Chin Chuay Chia, "We need to implement measures to manage the number and usage of vehicles, and the skate scooter is clearly a vehicle.  It's unfair that just because it has no motor, and people use it on the sidewalk, our Vehicle Quota System can be circumvented.  It takes up as much space as a motorcycle, so we feel their use should be regulated in order to protect our precious space resources."

Mr. Chin added, "Henceforth, skate scooters must be ridden down the roads, and not the sidewalks.  This is not just for pedestrian safety.  It's also to ensure that skate scooter riders pass under the ERP gantries, and pay ERP charges."

When asked to comment on the fact that the skate scooter was obviously a very different vehicle from a car or a motorcycle, Mr. Chin laughed and said, "Of course we recognize the difference, and will be making different allowances in our administration.  For example, the device that will be installed on the scooter to deduct ERP charges will be called an "on-vehicle unit", or OU, instead of the "in-vehicle unit" or IU that is installed in cars.  Because you don't ride IN a scooter, you ride ON it.  It's attention to little details like this that has made us a world leader in public transport management."

And what of the fact that scooters are ridden mostly by children?

"Well, if they want to travel  like adults, then they should pay like adults," said Mr. Chin. "All they have to do is buy fewer Pokémon and they'll be able to afford the ERP."

DEFENCE MINISTER AGREES: "COMMANDOS MM SI LANG"

Defence Minister Dr Tony Tan visited the SAFTI Live Firing Area on Wednesday to observe the 1st Commando Battalion execute a tactical live firing exercise. The action was part of their annual Operations Continuation Training.

Before the Minister's eyes, the Commandos launched a raid on a mock enemy strongpoint. A squad of men ran across 1.6 kilometers of open ground, wearing full field packs on their backs, giving each other covering fire, swimming through muddy swamp water, cutting barbed wire, disarming mines and cooking a 10-course Italian meal before blowing up the strongpoint with plastic explosive.

Following this, they marched back to their starting point, none the worse for wear, whistling happily to the strains of "Colonel Bogey".

Dr Tan, clearly impressed was heard to remark, "Wah lao eh, these Commandos really mm si lang" (really not human).

In saying this, Dr Tan was agreeing with a long-standing saying in the Singapore Armed Forces - "Sergeant mah si lang, Corporal mah si lang, OC mah si lang, only Commando mm si lang".

The Commandos are also known for their broad shoulders and high foreheads. This is apparently due to the fact that when they are asked questions their response is to shrug and say, "Donno," and when they are told the answers they slap their foreheads and go "Orh!"

Despite this, the Commandos are highly regarded in the Army. The only real drawback of working with them say the other units, are their taste for dark leather jackets, sunglasses even in the daytime, the low mechanical whine when they move and their penchant for saying things like, "Are you Sarah Connor?" or "I'll be back."

The Battalion is the only SAF unit to have won the Army's Best Combat Unit competition for an unprecedented 16 times, as well as a Nobel Prize, two Academy Awards, and a Pulitzer.

GIFTED UNDERGRADS: A BRAVE NEW WORLD FOR NUS

The response of Singaporeans to the National University of Singapore's launching of their new University Scholars Programme (USP) has been overwhelmingly positive.

Under the USP, 300 undergraduate students will be given greater latitude when it comes to deciding on their degree course, as well as one-year immersion in a top foreign university.  Places in the USP will be given to the best students in the next intake, effectively creating an "Ivy League University within a State University".

"It's such a brilliant idea," said parent Mr. Kiah Soo Kwee, whose daughter will be entering NUS next year. "It's like the gifted programme for undergrads.  I was worried that my precious daughter, after having gone through so many years of the Gifted Education Programme, would then have to mix with riff-raff.  It's terrible for her now that she has to mix with the ungifted in junior college, so it's a relief to know she'll be with her own kind in university."

"I think it's a programme with foresight," said Mr. Boh Pian Leow, a student at Terbalik Junior College. "Under the old programme, we would all come in together at a level playing field.  Which is very bad, because average students like me would only drag the top students down.  Now they can soar to career heights I could never dream of, unencumbered by kaffirs like me."

Ms. Snivelle Lee, a student at a Bukit Gorblok Pre-U Centre, agreed. "The USP will give our society greater clarity.  When the 300 are selected, we will know our place in society.  These Alpha types deserve to have these opportunities, because they work much harder than we do, because they're so frightfully clever.  I'm really awfully glad I'll be a Beta-type in NUS, because I won't have to work so hard.  And then we are much better than the Gammas, Delta and Epsilon types, who, like, come from ITE, which stands for 'It's The End'."

The admissions office at NUS also reported a surge of requests for application criteria, many of them anxious.

Said Mr. Chin Kan Cheong, "If I don't get the criteria, how will I mug for it? I absolutely must get in, or else my parents will think I have shamed my ancestors.  I mean, who wants to be known as an ungifted student?  Can't you see it? When I apply for jobs next time, the first thing employers will ask is whether I was a USP student. And if I say I'm not, they'll all go, 'Ah,' and nod their heads gravely. Like that game over oreddy! And don't even talk about promotion prospects!"

Mr. Chow Mah Ger, 21, echoed the sentiment. "We really need to know how we'll be chosen. How are those chosen to enter the USP 'the best'? Grades? And if all of them have 4 As in the A-levels? Then, what, must look at 'O'-levels and PSLE? NS record? Essays? We all will write what our assessors want to hear, what!  So we must know what they're looking for."

Other applicants were more philosophical about the USP.

"If I don't get in," said Ms. Pam Perh. "It won't be a reflection of my own abilities.  I mean, at the end, the selection is completely arbitrary. How are people to say someone is better than another on the basis of grades or essays?  Anyway, my father will probably send me to Cambridge or Princeton if I don't get in."

Civil Servants Demand Longer Working Hours

Contrary to the belief that workers in the civil service want shorter working hours and better terms and conditions, a division of MITA has recently petitioned its senior managers for longer shifts and extended overtime.

The Department Head of the Board of Censors, BOC, Mr.Harry Han, told reporters that he is concerned for the welfare of his staff and has asked for MITA to increase their working hours, amongst other demands. "They work normal hours, and are often unable to complete their work on time. Most of them are overloaded, as there is a lot of paperwork to clean up."

Work at the BOC involves mostly reviewing film tapes, books and magazines. Lately they have been moving into digital media. "This new digital convergence, along with the Internet, has created so much workload that our people, even though they are working harder than ever, are very short-handed these days."

Although the BOC recently expanded its staff by up to fifty percent, they still have problems keeping with demand. "To be honest, we have so many people applying that we have to turn them away," said Mr.Han. "We are lucky and can pick the very best people, even government scholars who work with us are willing to extend their bond to do so."

Mr.Chia Kan Tang, a government scholar with a degree in comparative literature from Tulan University, USA, agreed. "Working at the BOC is an honour and a privilege. I am very excited to be able to serve my country in this way. If there were more jobs like this, we will not have this bond-breaking problem. Come, I say to my fellow scholars, the future of the country is in your hands."

The staff want longer working hours and are even willing to take a pay cut to do so. "Money is not important, job satisfaction is what we are after," said Mr.Han. "We love the job. I say, give us more work." 

Indeed, a survey showed that 99% of BOC workers were very happy with their jobs and didn't mind increasing their workload as long as their productivity was not affected. The lone dissenter was Mr.Jaspar Singh, the jagah, whose duties as doorman did not allow him access inside the office. 

The staff also wanted shorter vacations, and asked, in exchange, to be allowed to bring work home. Since most of their most productive hours are at night, many wanted to work overtime. They also wanted more toilets in the department, as there are not enough, and they often ran out of toilet paper.

Although the workers wanted longer hours, they also needed more breaks in between jobs. "Each job, which is to review one movie or magazine, affects concentration, and after each session, we need time to recover before we can be ready for the next one," said Mr.Pak Chiu Cheng, another employee at the BOC. He was recently named Employee of the Month for putting in the most overtime. He was able to review ten movies simultaneously, while working on twenty magazines at the same time. However, he added that he was very ill recently, and had been going to see a doctor about his hair problem.

"Yes, the downside is health and medical problems," said Mr.Cho Chok King, another employee, who showed us his heavily bandaged wrist. "Along with hair loss, we have been seeing a lot of Chronic Fatigue and RSI (Repetitive Stress Injury) cases. It would be good to have a doctor on call most of the time."  

A call to the NUH showed that most doctors were willing to be on standby or work with the BOC. In fact some of them were willing to see patients for free in exchange for magazines to be added to their medical collection. The job crisis at the BOC is so serious that a high-level task force was being formed to look into the matter. It was also believed that most members of this task force wanted to be allowed access to the BOC and see for themselves what the issues were.