MERGER FEVER GRIPS SINGAPORE
by K.K. Cheow, editor, with sector correspondents Bettina Hensome, Kway Png and Lau Cheow

The takeover manoeuvres currently exploding in Singapore's banking industry is being mirrored in many disparate sectors, from the much-rumoured merger between SMRT and TIBS, to constituencies, toilet management and construction companies.

When the government suggested several months ago that the local banking industry should consolidate, as there was space only for two players, they did not foresee that Singaporeans would be falling over themselves to apply the policy to their own sectors.

"That's why, lor," said Mr. Chow Ah Beng, senior analyst at Geylang-based Red Light Consultants, who also writes a regular advice column for TalkingCock.com. "Gah'men say, means we must do oreddy. Singaporeans all lai dat, mah."

When asked why other sectors should be merging when the government has recommended it only for banking, Mr. Chow replied, "Aiyah, in Singapore, must read between the lines, otherwise too late. Like the dot-com thing... by the time the gah'men recommended that all businesses should go online, not just high tech firms, the dot-com market oreddy dieded.  It pays in Singapore to be kiasu and chiong first, otherwise kena left behind. If we don't get a space first, sure got one GLC come in and sapu everything."

Marine Parade Mounts Takeover Bid for Cheng San
reported by: Kway Png

Marine Parade GRC today announced that they will be mounting a takeover bid for Cheng San GRC.

"We are extrapolating from the government's call to consolidate in the interests of global competition," said Marine Parade deputy mayor Mr. Pao Kah Leow. "Singapore is a very small country, and as we are issuing more licences to foreign talent to occupy the land, we need to boost local occupation.  According to the government, there is probably space for only two GRCs at most."

Marine Parade has recently acquired Braddell Heights and Serangoon, leading some analysts to express concern that it is overstretching its boundaries.

Downplaying any criticisms of monopoly power, Mr. Pao said, "Due to economies of scale, this will mean better services for the average resident."

As to issues of consumer choice, Mr. Pao replied, "This is completely in the interests of choice.  If the consumer doesn't choose us, then we won't upgrade their flats."

In other news, Bishan-Toa Payoh GRC is planning to make an offer of acquisition for Potong Pasir single member constituency, while Northeast CDC, an alliance of Aljunied, Pasir Ris and Tampines GRCs is making a bid to take over Hougang single member constituency.

"It's for their own good," said Minister of Consolidation Mr. Long Chong Aye. "They just lack the resources necessary to make it."

Merger Goes Down Toilet
reported by: Bettina Hensome

The local toilet industry is in a state of flux from a series of moves towards consolidation, which began when Singapore's largest restroom management company, Deodorize Big Assets (DBAss) Pte Ltd made a hostile bid for Or You Pee Pte Ltd, one of Singapore's oldest urinal companies.

The patriarch of Or You Pee, Mr. Liam Chin Chow, reportedly broke down in disbelief on hearing of DBAss's bid. "They want to seize our urinals? Are they taking the piss or what?" he was quoted as crying.

Market analists say that DBAss's offer is unsurprising after their acquisition of two of Asia's largest restroom operators - Thailand's Thai Pee Goloo and Hong Kong's Damn Heng - followed by Singapore's venerable Pee Or Ass Bathrooms ('POSBaths'). 

Said Biggers Ballas restroom sector analist Mr. Holden Constipacion, "DBAss has been very aggressive lately in wanting to provide shit service to customers." 

However, a spanner was thrown into DBAss's works when You Or Pee Sdn Bhd entered the fray and made a white knight offer for Or You Pee. 

The former rivals decided to bury their differences and merge, in order to preserve what they see as their more entrepreneurial approach to restroom management.

You Or Pee chairman Datuk Wee Ho Leow has also taken great pains to ensure that Or You Pee's top management remains involved in the merged entity (proposed name: You Pee First).  For instance, Mr. Liam will be accorded the authority to decide the colour of toilet paper to be provided in all restrooms.

Said Datuk Wee, "We can't let DBAss just flush years of tradition down the drain.  I mean, while they are the biggest toilet operators in Singapore, their service record is worrying.  They seem more interested in cost-cutting.  Closing cubicles, longer lines, charging for a full follow-through even if customers only fart... what next? One ply paper? There's a limit to toilet operators being so bottom-line oriented."

DBAss denied the criticisms, saying that trimming costs would enable them to provide better services down the line, such as "surf-while-you-shit" internet access in each cubicle. Said DBAss chairman Mr. Ass Dungabowelan, "Yes, right now we're having some blockage issues.  But that's to be expected when one takes the plunge in this business. We must recognize that the toilet experience of tomorrow is not just about convenience. We need to keep moving forward, in order to bypass competitors.  In other words, to be a world-class toilet operator, we have to maintain passing motion."

The Ministry of Public Hygiene has welcomed the various consolidation moves.  Said Minister PG (Rest) Wee Dem Long, "Competition is important.  We are now giving licenses to foreign operators to open public restrooms in Singapore. To give these foreigners a run for their money, local loo operators must be strong. In this age of global competition, we want Singapore toilets to be synonymous with crap experiences."

The public, however, remains agnostic about the mergers in bathroom management.

Said frequent bathroom service consumer Mr. Khee Phang Sai, "I just hope that in their drive for profitability, they don't forget customers.  After all, the management shouldn't be the only ones to clean up."

Flying High On A Merger: Lum Par In JV With TWA
reported by: Lau Cheow

In a news conference held yesterday, construction giant Lum Par Holdings announced that it had entered into a joint venture with Trans-World Airlines (TWA) to form a global cargo handling conglomerate.

"We bring you TWA Lum Par," announced Lum Par's Chairman Ho Seng Lee proudly.

"This is BIG, BOLD and BALLSY," said Chin Boh Chee, analyst at local stockbroking firm Geh Kiang Goh Pte Ltd, capitalising his words carefully.

Shares of Lum Par (itself the product of a merger between the Lum Chang and Haw Par corporations) sagged over the last few weeks as investors pummeled the company for its poor earnings. 

However, news of a deal in China (see related story) followed by this stunning announcement with TWA caught investors with their pants down.

Chairman of Lum Par Holdings, Mr. Ho Seng Lee said that TWA Lum Par would expand to fill the needs of global logistics companies who had problems measuring up to competition from larger US companies.

"Singapore has unique capabilities to offer the world, " explained Mr. Ho. He said that the company's business stood on three legs: carrying capacity, expert hand-holding and, with TWA's contribution, fly-by-night operations.

"Lum Par is definitely going to go into this with a big bang," said Mr. Ho confidently.

Analysts, however, were mixed on the prospect of Lum Par stock price over the long term.

Kia & Soo maintained that Lum Par's share price will fluctuate with demand and selling pressure, and advised investors to adopt a wait and see attitude.

However, Hardas Singh, an analyst at Biggers Ballas was skeptical of Lum Par's long term growth prospect, especially in light of previous failed ventures in China. 

"Investors long on Lum Par are going to see their assets shrink," he quipped. "We don't own any Lum Par and we don't intend to acquire any," he declared firmly.

Other Merging Markets

Other sectors that are also experiencing active merger and acquisition activities are:

Commented Red Light's Mr. Chow, "Acherly, I'm a bit confoused. The gah'men wants to import more foreigners to boost competition.  Yet they also want to reduce the number of local players.  I thought got more players means got more competition and consumer choice, mah. So why not just let everybody piah chui?"

However, responded Ms. Theresa Chan-Pinkerton, the president of the Boat Quay-based Society for the Attainment of Racially Occidental Native Gentlemen (SARONG), "It's clear that the government recognises the principle that local players are not as valuable as foreigners."

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved. 
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Hacks Destroys Singapore Opposition Party's Email List
by Supreme Kok

The National Solidarity Party announced yesterday that their extensive email list has been destroyed - apparently by Hacks, the mentholated candy best known for its depiction of a violently coughing ang mor on its red wrapper.

"It was completely unprecedented," said NSP junior webmaster Mr. Boey Sai Leow. "I had a sore throat that morning, just as I was about to send round another email.  I was coughing pretty badly too, so I thought I'd better get some lozenges or cough drops."

"So I went to the 7-11," Mr. Boey continued. "But they sell all these si beh espensive imported types.  So I went to the corner kopi tiam instead and they sold me some Hacks from this old glass container. Very cheap. In fact, so cheap, I should have been more suspicious about how long it had been sitting there."

Mr. Boey purchased eight Hacks sweets - "One for you, one for me and six for the family," he allegedly told one of his colleagues.

According to eyewitnesses, Mr. Boey booted up his PC and as he logged onto the NSP's email account, he unwrapped the distinctive red wrapper and popped a Hacks into his mouth.

Whereupon he was seen going into spasms, gripping his throat and leaping about the office, screaming, Tarzan-like, "Aw-yee-aww! Hacks! Hacks!"

In the ensuing chaos, Mr. Boey apparently accidentally hit the 'delete' button and caused the entire mailing list to disappear into cyberspace. 

The melee ended only after a concerned colleague tackled him from behind and administered the Heimlich manoeuvre, causing the offending piece of candy to rocket out of his throat, ricochet off a Mr. Kiasu figurine, scare off a lizard, before coming to a sizzling rest in a corner.

"It was hojjiber," said Mr. Boey. "I felt like I'd swallowed an exhaust pipe."

The damage, however, had been done.

Mr. Boey feels absolutely awful about the incident.  "I shouldn't have been so kiam siap.  I mean, I only saved a few cents in buying the Hacks instead of Vicks or Ricola."

The NSP says that it could take anything from two weeks to two months to get the mailing list up and running again. 

"Meanwhile, the public has to make do with updates on the website," said NSP chief Steve Chia. However, considering that the NSP's main URL www.nsp.org.sg redirects readers to a link "www.nsp-singapore.org", which leads only to an empty page, this is not going to help much.

In the interim, Mr. Boey will be parading around Raffles Place every day, shouting out the NSP's latest bulletin at lunchtime.

As penance, Mr. Boey has also decided to shave his hair to approximate the hairstyle worn by the man on the Hacks wrapper - which people might find reminiscent of Larry of the 3 Stooges.

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MOE Introduces New Creative Co-Curricular Activity
by Hen of God

Yesterday, the Ministry of Education announced that they will be introducing a new co-curricular activity in all schools designed to teach students to think and be more creative - the Test & Homework Club.

Ministry Spokesman Mr Chin Ah Gong explains, "The MOE wants to create an environment which fosters more creative thought.  For example, schools will cut down on the curriculum by 30% so that students have more time to think.  However, we must ensure that the time they have to think is spent thinking about correct things, like grades, and not the idle things that usually occupy their minds, like who is cuter, the Backstreet Boys or N'Sync, or what is Britney Spears' cup size.  This is where CCAs come in - to fill in the new curriculum gap."

However, existing CCAs have been found to be wanting in terms of their creative quotient, so the MOE has taken the initiative to introduce a new one that will enable students to become more creative.

Called the Test & Homework Club, its aim is to expose Singapore kids to the joys and importance of schoolwork outside curricular time.

It provides students with opportunities for exchanging and sharing experiences (such as doing the homework of students in other schools); teaches discipline through friendly competition (such as contests to see who can finish a 3 hour paper faster); and even a physical development component. 

According to Co-Curricular Activities Branch spokesman Mr. Ter Kan King, "Students will also be trained to take heavy loads of books to and from school. Very good NS full-pack preparation."

The CCA is also expected to provide students with lifelong skills which will help them when they leave school: dealing with stress, suppressing emotions, competing with one another and sleep deprivation.

"The ultimate aim is to boost the intrinsic motivation of students," said Mr. Chin. "You can't cultivate creativity in a coercive, top down and segregated fashion. What we want is for students to be realise for themselves that exams are not just things to be concerned about during curricular time, but their every waking minute."

Already, the Ministry has implemented a schedule to train teachers to administer the new creative CCA.

"We must ensure that the CCA fulfils its aim of making kids more creative," said Mr. Chin. "And to accomplish that, the teachers need to be properly trained in teaching creativity.  To ensure consistent results, we have created a comprehensive step-by-step creative teaching outline which teachers can follow without needing to think at all."

To push the creativity objectives even further, schools will be ranked according to their creativity, which will be measured according to a rigourous empirical index. Teacher bonuses will also be assessed based on school ranking.

The CCAB has already implemented pilot programmes of the Test & Homework Club in several schools.

Said Bukit Gorblok Secondary School student Ms. Jin Ai Por, 15, "I have been in this ECA for one year oreddy.  The activities are not like anything we have in schools.  We go on field trips to Popular Bookstore to buy assessment books, sit for exams in rooms with different temperatures during the holidays, and we train in obstacle courses.  Like for Maths, there's this damn siong obstacle where we are forced to go late into a damn hot classroom, sit down in a chair that almost breaks, and then where the calculator doesn't work. The clock also goes faster than normal, and the teachers gives instructions in a language we don't understand.  Wah lau, it was very tough. But with this type of training, I tell you, I will be able to take on any exam!"  

" Seeing Ai Por's proud and happy face, it is clear that she is going to have a successful career in the Ministry of Cogs and Wheels," beamed Mr. Chin.

The Ministry of Education has also invested in millions of dollars of technology in the classrooms and have connected poor homes without computers to the internet so that all students will have access to online tests any time of the day or night.

"We are sure that kids will not be tempted to surf to sites like TalkingCock.com when they know they can spend their time in a much more productive fashion," smiled Mr. Chin.

Some parents, however, have expressed misgivings. Said parent Mr. Ai Pak Mai says, "I don't get it - this CCA only means that my child has to work day and night - all the time! How is this going to make her think? And where got time to be creative?"

Mr. Chin's response makes clear the Ministry's position, "Mr. Ai's concerns echo that of many parents, who are used to the old ways of teaching and learning. But times are changing and we need to prepare our children for an uncertain economic future. And to do this, we must make sure they learn the right kind of creativity. So the Test & Homework Club is designed to inculcate in our children government-approved creative thought."

 © http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved. 
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Eyeball Closes
by Pak Cham Kai and Bettina Hensome

Project Eyeball, Singapore Press Holdings' paper/website aimed at net-savvy young Singaporeans closed shop last week to few tears from readers' eyeballs. 

The shutting down came as no surprise to most Singaporeans, especially after an independent media survey conducted earlier this year showed that the paper/website had attracted an audience of exactly one eyeball - belonging to Chia Sior Eng, 18, a full-time National Serviceman. (see archived story)

However, even this audience evaporated when Mr. Chia, whose other eyeball is focused on porn sites, decided to devote both eyeballs to www.sammyboy.com instead.

"Sorry, lah," said Mr. Chia. "But being in the army has caused me to focus on coverage that is more relevant to my life."

Eyeball's editor in chief gave a stiff-upper lip editorial to mark the end of her reign.

However, TalkingCock.com managed to unearth the following early draft of the editorial from the rubbish bins outside SPH.