Story Archive 41

Breaking News:
OB MARKERS MISPLACED!
Singaporeans Urged To Please Put Back If Found
by Kway Neng Goh

Early Sunday morning, Singaporeans across the island woke up to discover that, overnight, the nation has – somehow – misplaced its OB markers (Out-of-Bound markers).

In an emergency statement issued from the office of the Prime Minister, the people are urged not to lose their head in this time of “unprecedented crisis” and to know that “we will pull through this shit if we stick together.”

From details revealed by the press office, this publication understands that the mishap happened due to the carelessness of an officer from the Ministry of Line Drawing and Boundary Marking – Mr. Boh Mia Liao, 27.

Mr. Boh was down for boundary marking duties on the night of Saturday, 30 June 2001, but left the OB markers in a moment of unforgivable carelessness in a ‘Nite-owl’ bus that night.

Mr. Boh has been accused of neglecting his duties and going to Zouk instead.

Mr. Boh has denied these allegations to the publication, saying, “Not my fault what, the Zouk place also must put the OB markers what.”

Upon further queries, Mr. Boh excused himself, pleading, “Wah piang eh, this morning tau si beh tiah, can don'ch ask so many questions can or not?”

In addition to being charged under the Civil Service (Negligent Offences) Act, Mr. Boh is also being prosecuted under the recently-passed Governmental Disobedience (Use of Singlish) Ordinance.

The public is asked to return these missing OB markers if found, although the press office could furnish no details as to what they look like.

“These kind of ting, cannot say what looks like one, you know when you see, ok?” clarified Press Officer, Miss Annie Howe-Seh.

She then refused to reveal where the OB markers would be placed once they were recovered, muttering, “Don’t say better, gah-men know can already, wait those samsengs find out, go to anyhow move, I where put my face? Don’t ask, don’t tell, better.”

The public’s response to this national crisis has been encouraging. Rampant self-censorship is in evidence everywhere as people refused to discuss issues that they deem ‘sensitive.’ One Singaporean, who refused to be named, whispered hoarsely, “OB markers missing? Sh, sh, don’t say so loud, skarly the Big Boss not happy.”

In response to this news of national crisis from Singapore, Malaysian officials were quick to comment. “Tell those bodohs across the causeway that if they think they can trick us and steal our kampungs by planting their lousy OB markers in Johor, they are gila,” volunteered Mr. Mohd. Wekanpotongyourwatersupply. “Any markers we find here are going home in the butt of the nearest shop-in-Johor-cheap-son-of-a-bitch motorist.”

A press release from the Ministry of Home Affairs urged the public to remain calm, keep their mouths shut and arseholes tight and, in dire situations, to rely on internalised OB markers.

If in doubt, they advised, repress it.

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved.
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Supreme Court to Charge For Photo Sessions
by Supreme Kok

The Supreme Court will now charge the public for taking photographs outside City Hall and the Supreme Court.

With effect from 1 August 2001, members of public intending to take photographs must apply for a photo-license to be issued by the Supreme Court. Twenty photo-licenses will be issued weekly. Members of the public are to bid for the photo-licenses in an open-bidding system. Applications forms and details of the open-bidding system are available at the Supreme Court's website, http://www.chiak_liu.com.sg.

Any one convicted in a court of law in Singapore (including ROC summonses, parking, etc.) are disqualified from applying for a photo-license and are advised to go to the Botanic Gardens.

Those who are currently charged in Court but have not been convicted may be issued a provisional photo-license. If the person is convicted before the photo-taking session, the money paid will not be refunded. Photo-licenses are non-transferable.

Photographers within the vicinity of the City Hall and Supreme Court must produce a valid photo-license on demand. Photographs can only be taken within the time period stipulated in the photo-license. Any person found taking photographs without a valid photo-license will be prosecuted for aggravated trespassing.

Only tasteful photographs can be taken. Any person found posing lewdly for the camera within the vicinity will be prosecuted in the specially set-up Court of Public Opinion. This includes couples posing in pre-revolutionary French costumes, carrying parasols or dressing like Michael Jackson circa "Thriller".

Ms Ai Than Chiak, spokeswoman for the Supreme Court, denied that the latest move was to generate revenue for the Court, "We earned more than enough from the litigants and the public, thank you. Our Judges are highly paid. My own bonus is not too bad either. And do you know how much fines are paid each day? So, as you can see, we don't need the extra revenue."

Ms Ai felt that it was only fair that the public pay for the services rendered. "We provide a beautiful building as a background for all those wedding couple, graduates, non-graduates and mainly Malaysian tourists. They will then use the photographs as talking point for years to come. We provide a service and they must pay for it."

When asked if this move would deter people, Ms Ai replied, "All the better. The Courts cannot be open to all and sundry. Those who can afford to pay are most welcome."

She then added hastily, "To take photographs".

As for the stipulation on taking tasteful photographs, she said that this is necessary. "Many a time, I see people like monkey climbing up the stairs to take a photo. This is not acceptable to us. It degrades the dignity of our building. We don't need such riff-raff around."

Roving magistrates would enforce the strict terms in the photo-license. The roving magistrates would be given wide powers including instant charging of offenders, trial and sentencing. Punishment varies from instant confiscation of cameras, minimum imprisonment of one month and preventive detention of minimum seven years for those monkeys climbing up the stairs.

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved.
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Young Singaporeans Willing To Give Blood - If They Can Vomit It Out
by Kway Png

Young Singaporeans turned up in full force to refute allegations that they were reluctant to give blood. Many said they were perfectly willing to vomit some out.

It was revealed last week that only 2 out of the 400 youth organisations approached by the Singapore Red Cross Society to donate blood did so, and even then, the two only managed to round up a combined total of 18 donors.

This dismal response led to a lot of tut-tutting by many people, accusing youths of being un-civic minded. This immediately brought a rebuttal from youth organisations.

"Not say I say what," said Ms. Boo Yao Gay, 18. "It's not that we do'wan to give blood. It's the mode of donation that puts us off. We object to objects being inserted into us. The Ministry of Education's Sex Education video say cannot. Get married then maybe can. But only if it's so we can have chewren."

"But," added her friend, Ms. Toh Hway Leow, 16. "If we can spit the blood out, then it's okay. Because, hor, our lives make us all want to vomit blood."

Many youths we spoke to concurred.

Said Mr. Mohd. Darah bin Pontianak, 17, "That's why! These silly Red Cross people go and hold their blood drive during school holiday. Mana ada logic? They should come to the schools around exam time, when all our blood pressure super high."

Some youths also made suggestions to the Red Cross to improve their takings.

"I think they should first feed us heaty food," proposed Mr. Chia Kah Hiam, 18. "Then maybe no need even to vomit out. We can just bleed directly from our nose."

"How about if we donate the spare blood that we get from squeezing our zits?" chirped Ms. Ooh Eck Nee, 15.

The Singapore Red Cross has said that they are evaluating all these responses.

"We want to take every suggestion seriously in order to replenish our dwindling stocks," said Dr. Peh Boh Huay. "Our blood supply is at a critical level. The biggest demand comes not from medical patients as one might guess. In fact, the greatest consumer is the government, who sucks it up like nobody's business and is always on our case about not getting enough new blood into their ranks."

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved.
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Artificial Hearts Already Carried by Many Singaporeans
by K.K. Cheow

The National University Hospital revealed that the artificial heart transplanted in Louisville, Kentucky last week is not the world's first, as had been announced. According to NUH, Singaporeans have been carrying artificial hearts for many years now.

"As usual, Singapore is first and it's annoying that the rest of the world doesn't really pay attention," said NUH spokesman Dr. Seow Loh Koon. "Some more our artificial hearts can extend lives well beyond 60 days, unlike the cheapo Kentucky ones. Ours last for years."

"Maybe even beyond the life of the patient," chuckled Dr. Seow.

In some ways, the Singaporean artificial hearts are an improvement over real ones.

"Singaporean artificial hearts perform all the biological things that real ones do, like pump blood," said Dr Seow. "But it functions without all those annoying, inefficient by-products like emotions or empathy."

Manufactured by ST Cybernetics Lab, a division of Singapore Technologies located at Science Park IV, the hearts also carry a variety of useful features, such as instant messaging and remote shutdown.

Dr. Seow then introduced us to Mr. Chin Ho Sim, 41, who had a ST heart implanted in his teens.

Looking hale and hearty, Mr. Chin said that the heart was a technological wonder.

"I really feel in control now," said Mr. Chin. "Before I got the heart, I used to get all upset at democratic abuses, lah, human rights issues, lah. As they say, very sim tiah. But now, with this new heart, I can go about my daily work with not a care in the world."

The hearts have been a huge success, according to Dr. Seow, with amazing take-up rates.

But who are the people who seek these artificial heart transplants, we asked.

"Lots of leaders love 'em," beamed Dr. Seow, without missing a beat.

Feeling At Home With Foreigners
by Dan Kok

Students attended a cultural-and-language session to prepare for Making a Difference to the Maid Day, where they will spend time with domestic foreign workers.

Student See Lang Kiah, 15, hardly speaks to his maid - not because he does not want to, but because he cannot speak her language.

"She from Indonesia," he said. "So if I am not happy with her, I normally just scowl, or say 'go and die lah you', and maybe she understands. But a lot of times I say dirty word she also blur blur."

Last Saturday, he picked up a few phrases in Bahasa Indonesia, so he can now say "F**k! I’m late! Why didn’t you wake me up?!" and "Basket, told you not to iron my jeans orredy!' in his maid's native language.

Lan Kiah was one of about 250 neighbourhood-school students who took part in a cultural-and-language session to prepare for the second Making a Difference to the Maid (MAD MAID) Day this Sunday.

This year's MADMAID Day is part of the Productivity Council’s Milk-a-Maid programme, which hopes to foster better working attitudes in domestic helpers.

The students are looking forward to applying their new language skills so that they can help their parents control their domestic maids.

One of the students said: "At home, my family and I normally call our Indian maid 'Oi!', because that's what my mum normally calls her. Now I can say in Tamil ‘Come here, you stupid bag of shit!' It’s quite impressive actually, especially the last bit with the tongue curl and head shake.'

Last Saturday's cultural lesson opened more than a few minds.

"Foreign workers do work most Singaporeans would not want to do, like housework," said Nua Nua, 14, from Canbullee Secondary. "And since I've never interacted with a foreign worker before, this will give me the opportunity to learn how they can be manipulated into working longer hours."

Mr Ray Cist, 34, the Director of MADMAID Day said: "Many in Generation M, and sometimes I would consider myself part of it, are a contented lot who never knew a day of hunger. Maids must therefore be taught to work long and hard, so that we can all have a meal anytime we want, and shall never be hungry."

He said MADMAID Day was the starting point to learn about the lives of people they would otherwise not be able to control.

And, perhaps, some might even share some of these new values with their families.

"My maid's a very nice person," said a participant. "but currently my mum had to give her a day off every week. From what I learnt at MADMAID Day, I can teach my mum how to do away with that."