Recession Measure: 
Potong Pasir To Be Sold Off
by Kway Png

The government has announced the first of a series of off-budget measures to help Singapore's economy deal with the recession - the sale of Potong Pasir constituency.

"The economic downturn requires us to cut costs and divest ourselves of non-performing assets," said Ministry of Trade and Industry spokesman Mr. Chow Yeow Yee. "So we have chosen to sell off Potong Pasir."

Potong Pasir, which has consistently voted for the opposition in past elections, is seen as a chronic underperformer by the government.

"Their record is frankly disappointing," said Mr. Chow. "Their neighbours, especially Kim Keat, are much cleaner and host much better facilities. Somehow, Potong Pasir just doesn't have the will to upgrade themselves.  And heaven knows, we've given them enough chances to make a turnaround. Well, we can't keep passing on the burden of persistent losers onto more efficient constituencies.  It's simply not fair."

The sale of Potong Pasir will be advertised at the next United Nations General Assembly. 

"We think there'll be significant interest," said Mr. Chow. "It's been hardly used at all. Maybe driven a couple of times by their representatives to go to the elections, that's about it. Quite a bargain."

Potong Pasir has a lot of potential land-use possibilities, explained Mr. Chow.

For instance, it could be transformed into a foreign talent housing estate. 

"If this is the case, then the government will throw in an MRT station free with the purchase." said Mr. Chow.

Some opposition politicians have protested the sale as not just an extreme case of gerrymandering, but also as a relinquishing of sovereignty.

"Nonsense," huffed Mr. Chow, refuting such allegations. "It's not the first time we've sold off territory. We got rid of Christmas Island in 1958. We didn't have much use for it, and the Australians seem pretty happy with it."

In fact, Australia is reportedly a top contender in the purchase of Potong Pasir.  They may acquire the constituency as part of a land/telecoms/airlines asset swap.

"The Aussies have been complaining about us being imperialist in our corporate expansion," said Mr. Chow. "So this should allay their concerns."

The present residents of Potong Pasir will naturally have to vacate the premises.

"It shouldn't be too traumatic.  We can house them right next door in Kim Keat to minimize the inconvenience," smiled Mr. Chow. "Besides, it's a constituency which has better-run facilities than they currently have."

Meanwhile, the government is working on a series of other off-budget measures to tackle the recession, including the sale of Hougang.

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Schoolkids Learn Recession at Recess
by K. K. Cheow

The Ministry of Education has unveiled a new programme where schoolchildren will learn valuable lessons about the economic downturn during recess.

According to MOE spokesman Kah Ghin Nah, the new programme is a valuable opportunity to educate our young about the Singapore economy, with real-life mirrors of the current recessionary situation.

The programme will involve every single staff-member including auxiliary employees, and highlights include:

The decision to use recess was a carefully thought out one, said Mr. Kah.

"If you look at it, it's the only time available.  We can't upset important curricular time, and after school, the kids have all sorts of necessary things to do, like tuition.  Whereas at recess, they're doing all these unimportant things like eating and talking to each other."

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Market Has Room for Only One Party, Says Gah'men
by Supreme Kok

Hot on the heels of indicating that the Singapore market can support no more than two banks and two multi-modal transport companies, the government has now indicated that the Singapore market can support no more than one political party.

According to Elections Committee spokesman Mr. Gerry Mandhir, "After extensive research, our committee has concluded that the Singapore market has room for only one major player, and that smaller players would do well to merge swiftly with that player to recognise economies of scale."

The Committee said that they would not reveal to the press the exact findings of the report.  Explained Mr. Mandhir, "The Elections Committee may or may not be one of the 21 statutory boards to which the Official Secrets Act (OSA) will be extended next week, and as such, we don't want to nullify the effect of pending legislation."

Mr. Mandhir said that citizens should not be unduly concerned, as a merger would bring many advantages, including reduction of business interruptions caused by polling days, more streamlined voter choice, and a loyalty programme which could mean greater upgrading schemes for HDB residents.

"Having only one party brings us closer to the ideal of an integrated public service network first envisioned in our White Uniform Paper so many years ago," said Mr. Mandhir. "Having one party run all services would help coordinate its resources better, and reduce wasteful deployment."

"This would be harder if the services were run by separate parties, each with its own interests to look after," he continued. "Further, citizens would benefit from this better coordination and the cost savings might be passed on to them." 

However, some parties disagree, especially with the notion that all smaller operators should just fall in line with the dominant operator. 

The Singapore Democratic Alliance, which was recently formed through a merger of smaller parties, believes that monopoly power isn't necessarily the best option.

"We believe in competition," said SDA spokesman Mr. Yew Soo Leow. "How come can have two banks and two transport operators, but only one party?"

Mr. Mandhir replied that these evaluations were made on a sector-by-sector basis.  He also said that any notion of competition in the political sector would be illusory, not to say delusional.

"Frankly, with the PAP, it's no contest," he smiled.

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Foreign Talent to be Given Special Titles
by K. K. Cheow (with thanks to F C Tong)

To recognise the contributions of foreign talent, overseas expatriates in Singapore will receive titles similar to armed forces reservists.

The Ministry of Human Imports revealed the plan yesterday, saying it was designed to address the growing grumblings about the wooing of more foreigners to work in Singapore despite a shrinking job market.

Said MHI spokesman Mr. Chin Ho Miah, "We need to get Singaporeans to realise what a great job foreign talents are doing.  There's a lot of cynicism and skepticism which we need to combat."

The last big policy to honour the contributions of a particular demographic was the giving of parenthetical titles such as (Res) and (NS) to armed forces reservists.

"It was such a huge success that we feel it should be emulated," explained Mr. Chin.

Foreigners working in Singapore will now have the suffix "(FT)" attached to their titles, as in 'Mr. (FT) Phillippe Paillart'.

"This will serve to distinguish between foreign talent and mere tourists," said Mr. Chin.

"Beauty! I think it's grite, mite," said Mr. (FT) Paul Hanson, who recently arrived from Joondualiap, Australia. "You Singaporeans really give us a fairdinkum deal.  We come 'ere, we get to make an ace load of quid, scoff bonzer tucker at your hawker centres and pull all the local sheilas!"

Mr. (FT) Hanson will be joining the Speak Good English Campaign as a consultant.

"We really believe that giving them titles will help to elevate their contribution in local eyes," said Mr. Chin, a former corporal in the Artillery who humbly declined offers by the press to address him henceforth by his reservist title.

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Singapore Makes Reservations With UN Women's Convention Committee
by Pak Cham Kai

The Singapore government has lodged several reservations with the United Nations' Committee on the Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination Against Women (Cedaw). Said a spokesman at the Singapore Mission to the UN, "We want to reserve some of the UN committee members. If we don't chope them early, then all the chio ones will be taken and we'll be left with the chickabongs."

Singapore recently declined to fully ratify the the Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination against Women (Cedaw), which seeks to promote global equality of women.  

Mr. Pok Sio Boo, a spokesman at the Singapore Mission to the UN , explained that Singapore will not implement certain provisions of the treaty on cultural grounds.

"If we accept women as equals, then we have to do all sorts of unreasonable things," said Mr. Pok.  "Like provide medical benefits for the families of women civil servants.  This will lead to their husbands goofing off and the entire fabric of our society will unravel."

But, Mr. Pok emphasised, this does not mean that Singapore is closed to negotiation.  "We just need to amend the wording of the convention to suit our context."

A special parliamentary committee comprising male MPs will be holding discussions with the UN Committee on how the impasse can be resolved.

"That's why we've made the reservations to chope the most chio committee members," said Mr. Pok. "Our members do'wan to spend hours locked in negotiations with some argly bitchy-boos."

"We are very confident that our views will be well received by the UN Committee," he added. 

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Exclusive Exposé - Who Wants to be Millionaire
by Teen Low Kai

Mr. Whistle B. Lower (not his real name) now spends most of his days scanning the employment sections of the local daily. Mr. Lower recently had to leave Grow Dollars Inc, the company which owns the world-wide rights to the popular television game show, “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire”, after being sacked from the position of assistant floor manager for what he thinks amounted to telling the truth.

We tracked down Mr Lower to his apartment in a non-descript part of Long Beach, California, after hearing that what he may have to say might shed some light to the TV game show, now a $40m global business broadcasting to more than 35 countries. With his wife by his side, Mr. Lower agreed to be interviewed. We reproduce the interview below: 

Q: Why did Grow Dollars ask you to leave?

WBL: They found out I knew the truth behind the game show.

Q: But it’s a game show and like most game shows, the truth is simply that people get on, answer questions and try to win some money, isn’t it?

WBL: It’s not as simple as that, you see…

Q: Do explain …

WBL: Well, Grow Dollars came across a brilliant way to make money and encapsulated it in a production called, “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire”. You see, the objective of the production is to raise revenue through a wide variety of channels by getting viewers, TV stations, telephone operators and the media to join the bandwagon. The more publicity it got, the bigger the deals and the more money it made. 

Q: But I still don’t understand. People volunteer to play the game, and stand a chance to make some money. No one’s forced into doing anything, right?

WBL: Well, on the face of it, yes, you are right. But it’s so brilliantly conceptualized that even you don’t see the money making potential behind it. I saw it, and I paid for my knowledge with my job.

Q: Hmm, you lost me again. What’s the big secret?

WBL: Have you ever wondered why the contestants all seem so stupid, that the average Joe Viewer ends up shouting at the TV set, “It’s B – Curds and Whey, you stupid MORON!!”? Well, you would have thought the producers would have screened the entries first and allowed only smart contestants to enter, right? Well, I’ll let you in on a secret - they only let the dumb ones in.

Q: No! Why jeopardize their own game show?

WBL: Simple. The objective of the show producers is to increase viewership numbers. From viewership comes advertising revenue. Now, we all know that for a programme to be successful, your average Joe Viewer must be made to feel smarter than his screen counterpart. They want Joe Viewer to shout at the TV. They want Joe Viewer to brag to his workmates the following day that he knew the answer to the $3,200 question. And then for his workmates to watch the next episode so that they can be Mr. Smartypants too. I mean, how many viewers would stick around to watch a quiz show if they had no clue what the answers were? Case in point is BBC’s “Brain of Britain”. Started in 1965. Difficult as hell.  But compared with “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire”, how many have heard of it? What advertising revenue does it pull in?

Q: You mean they select the dumber ones on purpose?

WBL: I suspect, yes. You see, part of the production in any country is to ramp up the publicity prior to the show. They tie up with the local telephone operator, newspapers, ad agencies to get the public to call an expensive 1-900 number, listen to 3-4 minutes of instructions before answering a few screening questions. The ads are usually placed at bus stops, in tabloid papers, the usual places Joe average frequents. I mean, if you wanted to attract brains, you’d put them in your universities, right?

Q: Err, I’m not too sure about that...

WBL: What do you mean? 

Q: Never mind.

WBL: Anyway, most people don’t think twice spending the $3-4 on the dollar-a-minute 1-900 phone call, plus it appears on their phone bill anyway only at the end of the month, and would you believe it, all it takes is two to three hundred thousand people to do that and it becomes a significant amount of money – you do the math! Plus, when viewers watch the show and figure out how easy-peasy it is to answer the questions, they start calling in as well – bingo, more 1-900 phone calls! Now, we’ve got the revenue side settled. The next step is rev up the viewership to rake in the advertising dollars, and we’ve covered that.

Q: I’m starting to see the business behind all this. You mean, if I answered all the screening questions correctly, I stand a smaller chance of getting into the show?

WBL: Think about it – getting not too bright people onto the show raises the ratings, attracts more callers and defends their cash prize at the same time. Makes perfect business sense! Yes, you need to strike a delicate balance between the difficulty level of the questions and the intellectual capability of the contestants. Too easy and you lose money. Too difficult and your viewership disappears. But you’d be dumb to let the brains get in. Only increases the insurance coverage on the prize money, right? Plus, if you selected a winner with whom your average viewer didn’t associate with, that’ll be the end of your ratings! 

Q: So, will there ever be a winner?

WBL: Except for a physics teacher from Britain, we have not had a top prize winner yet. Now I tell you, that chap was smart. Ex-Brain of Britain winner, he was. But I suspect the next winner will be pre-selected from a host of entries, based on his or her level of acceptability in the ratings game. You see, everyone wants to see an underdog win. Some downtrodden guy maybe – like a WebVan investor. For the game show to succeed, you need the audience to identify with the contestant, feel for him, root for him and cheer him on every step of the way. The contestant almost becomes like the protagonist in a movie, and the audience live vicariously through him.

Q: Wah, so cheem…

WBL: Excuse me?

Q: Oh, no, no, nothing.

WBL: Anyway, you should see the movie “Quiz Show”, directed by Robert Redford. Once I watched it again, all became clear.

Q: So, you say the show’s rigged.

WBL: I can’t say that officially until I have proof. But I just couldn’t understand why the contestants were getting all the easy questions wrong! I mean, I ain’t no PhD, but for pete’s sake, a question on what Miss Muffet had for lunch, and you have to use a Life Line? C’mon! If you asked the producers to go through an audit of their game show process, you’ll probably find some dubious selection process going on there.

Q: It all sounds believeable, Mr. Lower, and you think you were sacked because you knew all this?

WBL: Yeah, I was too smart for my own good. Should’ve kept my trap shut.

Q: So, what are you going to do now?

WBL: I dunno, look for a job, maybe even enter “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” and make some money, eh?

Q: But you seem too smart.

WBL: Well, I guess not then…..

Q: Thanks for your time, Mr. Lower. Good luck and sorry about the job.

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