Story Archive 43

Courts Restores Seat To JBJ
by Pak Cham Kai

Veteran opposition politician J.B. Jeyaretnam will receive a new, fully-restored chair today from budget furniture retailer Courts, to replace the parliamentary seat he lost last week.

Mr. Jeyaretnam's appeal against a bankruptcy order issued against him was dismissed by the High Court, thus immediately disentitling him to his seat as a non-constituency member of parliament.

"We are sad that such a colourful character in Singapore's political history now has no seat," said Courts spokesman Mr. Kao Ee Pee. "So we've decided to give him one ourselves, in recognition of his public service."

The seat is a plush, upholstered, single-seater comfy chair, with retractable foot rests.

It had been returned earlier by another customer for some "minor defects", said Mr. Kao. "But now we've fully restored it to tip-top condition!"

"We believe he'll find it very comfortable for lounging in," said Mr. Kao. "Since he can't stand for elections, maybe he'll find it nice to sit for them instead."

Apparently a lot of thought went into the kind of chair that Mr. Jeyaretnam should be awarded.

"We thought at first, maybe an office chair, with height levers and swivel functions," said Mr. Kao. "But then we realized: he's out of office! What does he need with an office chair?"

The chair normally retails for $759.99 and normally comes as part of a sofa set, together with a 3-seater and a loveseat.

"If Mr. Jeyaretnam wants to buy the rest of the sofa set," smiled Mr. Kao. "We can give him great terms under our well-known hire purchase plans. HP is best for bankrupts."

Far from decrying Courts' act of charity, the PAP has welcomed it.

"Our fondest wish for Mr. Jeyaretnam has always been for him to sit on it," said Prime Minister's Office spokesman Mr. Cheng Hu Kong.

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Mr. Kiasu To Run On PAP Ballot
by Har Cheong Kai

The People's Action Party have tapped popular local cartoon character Mr. Kiasu to run on their ballot for the upcoming general elections.

"He typifies all the ideals and represents the spirit of the party," said PAP Elections Committee chairman Mr. Gerry Mandhir. "He has a huge drive to win and he's oddly popular despite being unlikeable."

And it will be Mr. Kiasu himself who will be running, and not Chew Chor Meng, the actor who currently plays the character on television.

When asked how voters are likely to react to an annoying, two-dimensional character representing them, Mr. Mandhir laughed and told this reporter that he was obviously new to the game.

"We conducted surveys showing that many voters already think that politicians are damn cartoon," explained Mr. Mandhir. "So as the premier party in Singapore, we felt it only right that our candidates accurately reflect their views."

It is hoped that Mr. Kiasu will help to attract younger voters, and of course, bring along with him his staunchest supporters: those with an unsophisticated sense of humour.

Already, a marketing campaign with McDonald's is in the pipeline, with figurines of him dressed in white to be distributed free with specially-designed HaPAPy Meals (soft drink, fries and a cheeseburger with no meat).

"We think this will start a trend," said Mr. Mandhir. "Who needs Meet the People sessions when you can get your MP straightaway at your nearest McDonald's?"

Also, new merchandising to coincide with Mr. Kiasu's campaign is in the works, including defamation writ and Mareva injunction accessories, and a mini-constituency with flexible boundaries.

Not to be outdone, the opposition are scrambling to field cartoon characters of their own in the elections.

"We haven't managed to finalize any deals at this moment," said Singapore Democratic Alliance spokesman Tup Pai Soo. "But even if we can't get any cartoon characters, we believe our flesh and blood candidates are already pretty close as they are."

It has not yet been announced which constituency Mr. Kiasu will be contesting, although it is believed that, in keeping with his character, it will be a safe seat.

Rumours are now rife that the PAP have also persuaded Hello Kitty to run alongside Mr. Kiasu. However, when contacted, Miss Kitty declined to comment, citing a lack of mouth.

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No Polls for Polls Plan Appall Poles
by K. K. Cheow

The small Polish community in Singapore is annoyed by the government's plan to ban polls or surveys of how people might vote during the coming election. Apparently, Singaporeans' grasp of homonyms is not very strong, and many think that the government wants to ban Poles, rather than polls.

The government's ostensible motive for banning the conduct of surveys and exit polls is that publishing the results of such polls ahead of the actual election results might sway voter sentiment and influence the eventual outcome.

"The government may very well have their reasons for their move," said Mr. Wladislaw Cowznofski, chairman of the Singapore-Polish Organisation for International Liaisons (SPOIL). "But it's creating a lot of inconvenience for our community."

Said Mr. Cowznofski, "Some of my fellow Poles have reported being approached by Singaporeans in coffee shops and shopping centres, fingers a-wagging and going, 'Orh, die! You all leow oreddy.' Apparently, many Singaporeans now believe that there is an underground movement by Poland to influence local elections."

"That's why, lor," said Mr. Tiah Boh Tio, a remisier. "These Poles are not satisfied that the ruler of the Catholic world is Polish, they want to take over our side also. Nao hiah! Neh'mine! We can go awbuay and settle!"

Some Poles have already been physically assaulted.

Said one such victim, Mr. Pavel Verznowiecki, "I was just walking along one day, minding my own business, when a Singaporean came up and tried to hit me with a leather shoe, screaming, 'Polish this, you interloper!' Don't Singaporeans know that despite our names, we Polish don't shine shoes? Those are the Kiwis."

"I think it's a very disturbing development for our electoral independence, even for the opposition," said Nominal MP Mr. Kong Boh Yong. "For example, if the Poles take over, the National Solidarity Party will become the National Solidarnosc Party. Such difficult pronunciation will cause our citizens, already struggling with English, to have their tongues tied in knots. This will be a strain on our national health system."

The government has already embarked upon moves to soothe the ruffled feathers of the Polish community.

In doing so, they are also seeking to clarify their reasons for the proposed legislation banning election surveys.

"If people read that others are voting opposition, then they might be emboldened to also," explained Elections Committee spokesman Mr. Gerry Mandhir at a press conference.

A member of the press then asked, according to this logic, if the polls reported that the PAP was in the lead, wouldn't this embolden others to vote for the ruling party as well?

Mr. Mandhir huffily replied, "Don't be naive! Where have you been living the past few years? Warsaw?"

Megawati Urged To Tackle Indonesian Power By Lowering Own Wattage
by Kway Png

New Indonesian premier Megawati Sukarnoputri has been asked to lower her own wattage as a first step to solving the country's energy woes.

"Indonesia is a resource rich nation," said Mr. Mohd. Menyelamat bin Elektrik of Kuala Lumpur based environmental pressure group Green & Bear It (GBI). "Yet, so many of its citizens live in poverty without basic power supplies. This social inequality must be addressed in the new Indonesia."

GBI has issued a statement saying that the new government brings with it a ripe opportunity for reform, and calls upon the new premier to lead by personal example.

"How can the Indonesians take any policy to manage energy resources properly with a leader whose very name screams waste?" said Mr. Menyelamat. "We immediately call upon her to change her name to just 'Wati' or at the very least, to 'Kilowati'."

The office of the Indonesian President responded with a statement, saying it is considering its next move. "However, in our zeal to reduce power wastage, we must be careful that we do not compromise our lighting standards. If our country is too dimly lit, our leadership might go blind, like the last administration."

TalkingCock called ousted president Adburrahman 'Goon Dur' Wahid for comment, but he only replied, "I can't see your point."