UOB and OUB Make Counter-Apology to DBS
by Lau Cheow

UOB and OUB have issued a joint apology to DBS for circulating bad jokes about what the initials DBS stood for. This startling development comes in the wake of DBS's own apology and $1m settlement to both banks for making disparaging remarks about their proposed merger. 

The apology was made after a crumpled page filled with DBS jokes was found in a garbage bin in a UOB Plaza toilet. 

It has now emerged that UOB and OUB had engaged an investment analyst firm, Luan, Luan & Lai, to provide background research to its stakeholders in order to counter the DBS bid. 

LL&L evidently concluded that the best way to fend off the DBS bid was to create jokes about what DBS actually stood for and thus undermine its credibility. 

An e-mail was sent anonymously to various influential investors and very soon, the market was roiling with rumours and laughter. 

We asked Mr. Bylo Sellhigh, an analyst with JP Goldman for his opinion. 

"For many years, we in the investment banking community believed that DBS stood for Damn! Boh Salary!" he said. "But these new acronyms are absolutely great! Wait till I SMS all my kakis about this." 

Mr.Selhigh chuckled over some of the more obvious ones, such as Damn Bad Service, Damn Buay Song and Don't Be Sued. 

Documents retrieved from the investment firm's garbage bin showed, however, that its team of highly paid MBAs spent hours creating new meanings for the acronym DBS. 

A piece of paper, reproduced below is a print-out of an internal draft e-mail:

 A source close to DBS chairman S. Dhanabalan said, "As far as I'm concerned, the one that turned out to be true was Dhanabalan Better Settle."

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Singaporeans Cheer Generosity of Gahmen's $1.34 Recession Rebates
by K. K. Cheow

Singaporeans have been uniformly enthusiastic about the government's move to help HDB residents through the recession by granting generous rebates on their personal income taxes and utility and conservancy charges.  Up to $500 over 12 months can be saved, amounting to a whopping $1.34 per day.

Under the measures passed in the February budget, HDB home-owners will get back $250 to $350 on their utilities charges under the Utilities Save plan, whereby rebates will be paid in 10 equal payments from August this year to April next year.

According to the certifiable public accountant firm of Boey Hiao & Sng, this means that the rebates amount to a glorious $1.12 per day.  Factor in the rebates on income taxes, and this staggering savings could rise by an unprecedented $0.22.

"Wow," exclaimed Bukit Gorblok resident Mr. Ooh Lui Leow.  "The government weren't kidding when they said the rebates would help us with our cash flow!  $1.34 a day!  Imagine what I could do with that money!  The possibilities are endless!"

"I can now afford toilet paper," said Mr. Kah Chng Tiah, eyes welling with tears of gratitude.  "Thanks to the gahmen, I will no longer have to stun copies of 'Today' from MRT stations to use."

"I can't tell you how much my life will be greatly enriched by having this extra $1.34," echoed Mdm Ah Neh Chioh. "I wish I could, but I can't... the amount... it's so overwhelming!"

In other news, Singapore was named Most Sarcastic Population in Southeast Asia by the United Nations Commission on Cynicism.

"Another first for Singapore!" cheered Minister of State for Morale Mr. Cheah Lee Der. 

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Thanks To Harvard Don, Singaporeans Now Know How To Suck Eggs
by National Cadet Cock

In yet another coup for Foreign Talent promoters, a ballroom full of civil servants were taught by Harvard Professor Harry Potter how to use their mouths to remove the contents of spherical organic poultry products.

"Just poke a hole through the shell and place your mouth to it," said Professor Potter, who is often described as a wizard. "Then suck.  The yolk will come right out."

Emeritus Professor of Apparency at the Harvard Obvious School, Prof. Potter was in Singapore to chair a brainstorming session attended by top civil servants and businessmen.

Attendee Mdm. Ai Chiak Neng, a senior officer at the Ministry of Geriatrics and a grandmother of three, was very impressed.  "Professor Potter is amazing.  When I told him that my dentures get in the way of my sucking, he suggested using a straw! I never would have thought of that!" 

Aside from dealing with eggs, Professor Potter also gave advice on how Singapore should deal with the changing global economic environment.  According to the Straits Times, Professor Potter advised this select group to do the following:

His advice had a similar impact on the audience as his solution to issues of yolk-shell separation.

"The seminar was a real eye opener for me," said attendee Mr. Theah Cheng Hu, of the Ministry of Home Affairs. "Before he spoke, I had no idea it was good to address weaknesses in the economy.  I thought, you know, it'll sort itself out.  And sophisticated companies? Shucks, our economy is borne on the backs of Ah Bengs, so who needs sophistication? But now... wow."

Mr. Mohd. Semua bin Sama of the Ministry of Conformity also agreed.  "Amazing. Up till now, we believed that people could only succeed by aping rivals.  Now we have to be unique? We might have to reinvent this entire ministry!"

The sentiment was echoed by Miss Khee Chia Hong of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. "Thanks to Prof. Potter, we now know that we actually have to work with immediate neighbours instead of just cucuk-ing them from time to time by bragging about our success."

Prof. Potter also advocated a need to pay attention to local Singaporean businesses, instead of focusing solely on multinationals.

"This is the most radical proposal of all and we have to examine it closely before deciding whether to adopt it," said Ministry of Colonial Hangoverism officer Miss Ping Ker Tan. "After all, we have a strong history of disregarding locals over foreigners to uphold."

In fact, added Miss Ping,  Prof. Potter's very presence undermined his own advice on the worth of pursuing locals.  "No local would have been able to tell us how to suck eggs.  Which is why we don't listen to them.  But Prof. Potter has shown once again, the wisdom of the foreign talent policy."

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Singapore's May-December Romance Over
by Kway Png

Hot on the heels of the breakup of the controversial affair between an older woman and a younger man in Taiwan last week, a local romance between a 72 year old man and a 15 year old girl was ended yesterday  - by the police.

"Of course I'm heartbroken," said widower Mr. Chee Koh Pek, 72, who is being charged with offences against minors. "There was so much we could have shown each other... "

However, Mr. Chee's now former girlfriend, 15 year old Stamford Girls School student Ms. Loh Lee Tah, was less remorseful.

"Let's just say I think Koh Pek exposed me to enough of himself as it is," she said. "Who do you think called the police?"

The relationship had a stormy start when their respective families clashed over it.

"We're kind of sad that it's over," said Lee Tah's father.  "It would have been very educational for her.  In Singapore, to get ahead in life, you must submit to the wishes of old men, and Lee Tah could have learned many great lessons in filial piety from Koh Pek."

"Filial piety?" retorted Mr. Chee's son. "Kueh pietee, more like!  All Lee Tah wanted was to eat us out of our inheritance!  As it is, do you know how much he spent on maintaining her Hello Kitty habit?"

But the affair ended when Mr. Chee thought that she had played with enough Hello Kitties, and should now play with his "Snoopy".

"Unfortunately, Snoopy turned out to be Droopy," said Ms. Loh.

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"Survivor" For Singapore's Overseas Scholars
by K. K. Cheow

To prepare overseas scholars for living in foreign and potentially inhospitable climes, the government will be putting its scholars through a mandatory course patterned on the popular game show, "Survivor".

Said Public Service Commission spokesman Mr. Ho Lee Lui, "Let's be honest.  Most scholars got their grades by completely isolating themselves from human contact and experience in order to mug.  But while human contact and experience is not necessary to be a leader in Singapore, which is why local scholars are exempted from this course, our kids overseas may not be able to cocoon themselves."

Mr. Ho said that the PSC reviewed many preparation courses before settling on 'Survivor'.

The first choice was initially "Who Wants To Be A Minister", as it best reflected the aims of the scholars.  "However," said Mr. Ho. "The skills set it emphasized was mostly mugging, so it wasn't much of a stretch of their abilities."

"Survivor" was chosen because it concentrated on dealing with the unfamiliar, with a strong Darwinian element.

The programme will involve spending a week at the Outward Bound School on Pulau Ubin, during which scholars will undergo modules which have been specially designed to equip them with skills necessary to deal with alien situations such as:

"Our kids may be put into situations where they might have their belief systems challenged," said Mr. Ho. "We hope these modules will help them cope with such unpleasantness.  But as added protection, when they eventually do go overseas, a friendly member from Internal Security will help them to remain steadfast."

However, the course will not just be just another activity weekend. Nor will male scholars who have undergone national service have any advantage.  

"The big twist is that the scholars could get voted off the island," said Mr. Ho. "If so, then they will be downgraded to local scholars and follow an inferior career track."

The voting-off process is very important, explained Mr. Ho. "It will emphasize the importance of forging good bonds with their fellows to avoid being booted out of the game.  A very useful warning to potential bond breakers."

In this version of "Survivor", however, the Tribal Council will not consist of one's peers, but rather, a group of senior civil servants.

"It's good for us to observe our youngsters in non-work related situations," smiled tribal councillor Mr. Lao Ter Koh, an officer with the Ministry of Health. "Once they come back, we'll be seeing them in office attire all the time, so it's quite good to have this chance to see these young people running around in shorts and swimsuits."

"Purely for professional reasons, of course," he added quickly. 

The "Survivor" course also fits in with the government's population-boosting policies.

"Hopefully, being in the outdoors and seeing each other in shorts and clingy t-shirts will stimulate glands that have been neglected by all those years of mugging," said Mr. Ho. "Some games may even require them to touch each other to help through the articles. With any luck, they will pair off now, and when they go overseas, will be less tempted to date non-Singaporeans and contemplate breaking their bonds."

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Teachers Should Be Like Geese, Say Honky Consultants
by Hen of God

At a recent seminar organised by the Singapore Teachers Union (STU), two angmor consultants told teachers that to be creative, they should emulate geese.

Flock mentality is very strong amongst geese, according to Mr. Howard Theducky and Mrs. Poultricia Cluck, two educational consultants from England.  According to their Goose Theory, the solidarity of the group will enable them to deal creatively with the turbulence ensuing from constant policy shifts.

Mr. Theducky and Mrs. Cluck's poultry-themed seminars are apparently world famous, and they have been invited by many governments to share their knowledge with local teachers.

The STU had specifically requested that Mr. Theducky and Mrs. Cluck conduct their seminar on Goose Theory, which has been well-received in the region.

"We really want our teachers to take a gander at Goose Theory," said Ministry of Education spokesman See Rang King.

"We did extremely well in Indonesia," said Mr. Theducky. "Former President Abdurrahman Wahid was a big supporter of our goose-seminar.  Why do you think he chose the nickname 'Goose Dur'?"

As part of the goose theme, the seminar room was decorated like a large lake, complete with the natural sounds of honking geese and water.  

The day started with an exercise where the 100 participating teachers were asked to close their eyes and visualize themselves as geese. The teachers also had to imitate the bodily movements of geese, an activity which reached a crescendo of honks and flapping when Mrs. Cluck tossed a bag full of bread crumbs into the air.

Mr. Theducky explained this unusual exercise, "Goose-ness should not remain as cognitive knowledge.  The goose-ness must penetrate their psyches and their bodies so that it becomes natural part of their lives."  

"It was very cathartic to get in touch with my inner goose," said Mr. Tio Gor Leow, 35, a P.E. teacher with Stamford Girls School.

The afternoon was then spent in small groups where teachers brainstormed ways to infuse goose-ness in their professional lives.  The following are some of the recommendations that the Teachers Union will submit to the Ministry of Education for implementation:

The seminar then ended with a mass goose-dance led by the famous goose-dancers of Bukit Gorblok Community Centre.

Officials from the Teachers' Union could not agree more with the lessons embodied by the geese.  

Said Ms. Mai Sio Meh, a spokeswoman for the STU, "Geese have always been our inspiration. That's what our union always say, you know. Must fly in formation.  Don't fight, don't complain. Just continue flying straight. Our union has survived for so long precisely because we don't adopt a confrontational approach with policy. And we've done just fine for our members by resolving their grievances with free umbrellas and 5% discount at Metro."   

"It's all perfectly clear to me now," said Mr. Chia Gor Bak, a teacher at Bukit Gorblok Secondary School. "In choosing these consultants and their message, the Singapore Teachers' Union is telling us that the best way to be creative in the face of adversity is to simply follow the flock."

"Very innovative," said teacher Ooh Yiah Boh, as he emerged from the seminar. "Especially when the adjective normally associated with geese is 'silly'."

Others were less convinced.

"Frankly?" said Hong Kan Secondary School teacher Ms. Jiang Niaoyu, "This goose thing is damn cock."

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Youths Mysteriously Miss Government SMS Messages
by Pak Cham Kai

As part of a major government initiative, Tanjong Pagar Community Development Council recently announced that they would be using Short Message Service (SMS) to inform the young about their activities.  For some unexplained reason, however, the young are having trouble receiving the messages.

"I dunno why I never receive leh," said Ms. Boh Quah Tio, 16, who due to missing these messages, was not informed of the tuition course her parents had signed her up for. "It's very sad.  I really, really wanted to attend the Maths remedial at the CC, but instead I had to hang out with my friends at Taka.  What a shame."

"Got, ah?" said Mr. Mohd Tidak bin Tengok, 18. "That's a pity, because attending CDC activities is very high on my priority list, like I'm sure it is with all the kids in Singapore.  Imagine, if I had received the message, I could be attending family-friendly karaoke sessions at the CC instead of listening to Metallica with my buddies.  Oh, the missed opportunity."

"I dun blv it," messaged Mr. Verikwikki Thambi, 17. "r u sure not?" 

The Ministry of Communications and Information Technology is looking into the matter.

"We think the kids may just be deleting the messages without even looking at them, like they do with spam," said MCIT spokesman Mr. Yong Thean Way. "But unlike unsolicited messages from commercial organisations, unsolicited messages from the government are not spam."

"Of course it's possible that the young may be simply ignoring the messages," said Mr. Yong. "In which case it's a much more serious issue.  All citizens have a moral obligation to read and obey government messages.  Which is why we have also enlisted the assistance of the Internal Security Department in our investigations."

The government is now considering legislation to make the immediate deletion of government SMS messages illegal, as well as expanding the government's access to mobile phones to monitor individual usage. 

MCIT Minister of State Mr. Lim Swee Say told the Straits Times last week that "he has no doubt the government will find more avenues in which to use the mobile message system."

"Whoopee," said Mr. Siang Kah Wah, 18. 

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