Story Archive 45

Citizens Touched That Their Worries Are PM's Too
by Clarke Kway

During his National Day Address, Prime Minister Goh Chok Tong said to the people of Singapore, "Your worries are mine too." And Singaporeans are very touched by this sentiment. Said Mr. Tua Pok Mak, 17, "I din'ch know PM was also concerned about acne, like me."

"It's so wonderful to know that my leader also shares my worries about premature ejaculation and penis size," said Mr. Chin Suay Liap, 48, an engineer with an MNC. "Or that like me, he is also very worried about how my wife came to have a baby when I was outstationed in Australia for three years."

"Piang, I thought I was the only one to be worried about that strange noise my car makes whenever I pass under the ERP gantry," said Ms. Chia Ooh Sia, a sales representative. "But PM also! Wah, I think so, ah, LTA better wake up their idea oreddy!"

"You mean PM also worries about whether he'll get caught by the traffic warden for putting an extra ten minutes on his parking coupon?" said insurance salesman Mr. Pak Too Long. "Just ask his Ahmad to sit in the car, lah! Wah lau eh! So simple also donno!"

"Solid!" exclaimed Mr. See Tee Zen. "PM also worry about not being able to pay his PUB bill, or where to find illegal VCDs nowsaday! Just like me! Like that, I sure vo' him once more time!"

Some citizens, however, were skeptical about the PM's claim.

"I just cannot believe the Prime Minister is worried that his period is late this month," said Miss Phang Tam Pon, 18.

In other news, unconfirmed rumours are circulating that the Prime Minister is considering strangling his speech-writer.

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ISD and SDU to Merge
by Lau Cheow and K. K. Cheow

As merger fever continues to grip the nation, the government has announced the merger of the Internal Security Department and the Social Development Unit.

"It's not the most obvious match, we know," said Mr. Too Geh Der, the Minister of Mergers and Consolidation. "But when you really look at the two of them, it makes complete sense."

The ISD and SDU will form a single entity, the ISDU (Investigation of Singapore Dating Unit), whose primary task will be to investigate why Singaporeans aren't marrying or procreating at the desired rate.

"The depleting population and manpower shortage are now probably the biggest threat to Singapore's internal security," said Mr. Too. "So we think these two departments should team up to tackle the issue."

Trial runs of the joint operation and management of the ISDU have already begun.

"As with most arranged marriages, there are some teething problems," said ISDU spokesperson Ms. Khee Pak Tor. "But we have every confidence that like many arranged marriages, things will settle down eventually."

Apparently, SDU staff had initially complained that ISD staff were standoffish.

"When I first met them, at a getting-to-know-you cruise to nowhere," said SDU officer Miss Boh Lang Ai. "I thought they were all a bunch of cold fish."

"But then I got to know them better, and found it had nothing to do with their personalities," Ms. Boh continued. "Their coldness was just a work habit. All those air-con treatments, lah."

In fact, the SDU staff have very much warmed up to their air-conditioned counterparts.

"They're very observant," noted SDU officer Miss Chin Pai Kuah. "And really good listeners."

Miss Boh agreed. "At first I had my reservations about the merger, but then I saw the light. Admittedly, it was being shone into my face, but you know, whatever."

ISD officers declined to be interviewed, but issued this statement to the press: "We believe that partnership with the SDU fits in very much with our strategic aims. Both of us deal in wallflowers - the SDU tries to find dates for wallflowers, while we plant flowers on the wall with bugs in them to listen in on people."

The ISD is also very interested in the SDU's Speed Dating programme, whereby prospective couples size each other up within a matter of minutes. "It will fit in very nicely with our personality profiling technique."

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Straits Times' New Format More Suitable For Readership
by Lau Cheow

The Straits Times' new narrower format is perfect for its narrow-minded readers, according to a poll taken last week.

The Straits Times moved to a narrower format yesterday, reducing page width from 38.1 cm to 35.5 cm, and shifted from its traditional eight-column grid to a new seven column grid.

According to Straits Times spokesman Cheng Hu Kong, "The new format is to ensure that The Straits Times continues to reflect the perspectives of our staunchest readers."

"These are the readers who only want to read good news, about how wonderful Singapore is compared to the rest of the world, and how bad the rest of the world is compared to Singapore," explained Mr. Cheng. "With our narrower format, we can narrow our coverage to suit them, trimming out broader and more extraneous perspectives."

The Straits Times intends to push forward with even more format changes in the near future.

"The ultimate aim is to provide our readers with very focused reporting," said Mr. Cheng. "Reading the ST will be exactly like looking down a tunnel."

© http://www.TalkingCock.com 2001. All rights reserved.
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New Political Party Launched - Ultra PAP
by Eggnest Heningway

With much fan-fare by its small but enthusiastic group of supporters, a new opposition political party was launched at Speaker's Corner. Calling themselves the Ultra PAP, they believe that the key to winning the next GE is in their grasp - a distinctly different strategy than what other opposition parties are advocating.

"If you look at the recent elections in the US and Britain, you'll see that candidates basically fought over the political center. Tony Blair borrowed conservative ideas and George Bush softened conservatism with `compassion'," said the Ultra PAPs secretary-general Wah-Kum Siong Siong. "We feel that Singaporeans really want more opposition, but are basically uncomfortable with voting in untested candidates. To assuage their fears, our party has decided to head for the Singaporean political center. We will give the voters what they want: the PAP and the opposition wrapped up into a neat little package. In fact, we'll be more PAP than even the PAP!"

Some of the items taken from the Ultra PAPs manifesto are:

	Increase the rate of Foreign Talent (FT) coming into the country. Since FT create jobs for locals, in this uncertain economic climate, doubling the intake of FT should double the number of jobs created.
	Instead of threatening non-upgrading of HDB flats on wayward constituencies, the Ultra PAP will go further and engage in a program of downgrading. Said Mr. Wah-Kum, "I promise that after the election, such estates will have their elevators ripped out and the swings and slides taken from their playgrounds by Bangla workers. I mean, Foreign Talent." Mr. Wah Kum also added, "And we'll whitewash the outsides of their building." said Mr Wah-Kum.
	Charge people wanting to speak at the Speaker's corner. "Free speech? How can? The government cannot be giving away speech for free! Especially during a recession! It is only responsible to turn it into another revenue stream so that we can grow the reserves and benefit the people of Singapore. In fact, we are also looking into all this `free' air that people breathe. Market mechanisms are the proper way to allocate one of our precious resources." smiled Mr Wah-Kum.
	Make JBJ a bankrupt four times over. "I don't understand why we should just stop with one suit," said Mr. Wah-Kum. "He is nothing to the PAP, but we in the Ultra PAP want to make him less than nothing."

Lastly, the Ultra PAP want to boost family-size even more than the regular PAP.

"We will not be satisfied with just three kids," said Mr. Wah-Kum. "In fact, we won't be satisfied till our families are as big as the Ultraman Family."

Referring to the cult Japanese science-fiction television show, Mr. Wah-Kum explained, "Every Singaporean family should try emulate the Ultramen and have 7 - 10 children. Definitely Ultraman is a great role model. We hope to bathe our opponents in the harsh glare of ISD issued fog lamps, just like when Ultraman emits a powerful energy beam to vanquish his enemies. Bet you didn't know that the word `ultra' in our party name serves a dual purpose. The reason why we believe in large families is so that they can help us run our GLCs and Stat Boards."

The last political party to enter the fray was the No Action Party, which ran on a similar vision to the Ultra PAP, though with a different strategy. TalkingCock contacted the No Action Party (NAP) for comment, but no one was answering their phone.

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Gahmen to Redefine all Ideals in Local Context
by Phoenix Klaw and Kok Kok Quay

Praising Minister Wong Kan Seng's recent comments as “bold” and “cutting edge political theory”, world-reknown independent political analyst Mr Gah Ber Mun says ALL ideals should be re-defined for the Singapore context, including creativity, courage, moral integrity, maturity, honesty and national security.

“I have been teaching for 20 years at the top-ranked Barclays University political science department. Never have I seen such cutting edge political theory. It shows the supreme confidence of the Singapore Government in its long-term staying power.” said Mr Gah.

Mr Gah, who intends to seek research funding from the Fuzzy Thinking Foundation based in Falsehood, USA to write a seminal paper on this issue, made preliminary suggestions about the scope of new thinking.

For example:

	Creativity can be redefined as “coming up with better ways of making money, but not better ways to run the country”.
	Courage will now mean “risking everything to take on global business competitors, but not criticizing the authorities”.
	Moral integrity will now only cover scholarship holders’ obligation to serve their bonds regardless of future career progression, but not cover politicians who would be paid more to serve the country.
	Age of maturity means “at 16 you are old enough to have sex but must wait another 5 years before you can watch it in the cinema”.
	Honesty means everything, except allowing opinion polls to reflect what people think.
	National security is something that Singaporeans can betray, but will be safe in hands of foreign talents running our national reserves.

"It's a very Singaporean approach to impose OB markers. Why shouldn't they be applied to ideals as well?" asked Mr. Gah. "Of course, some will criticize these formulations as being a little clearer than existing OB markers, but hey, Rome wasn't built in a day."

Looking ahead, Mr Gah also that this new movement is sure to catch on in other countries. “I can see branches of political science, on Chinese ideals, Sierre Leonean ideals, Cuban ideals, and Afghan ideals.”

Joining the barrage of praise, another world-famous Philosophy lecturer from Coxford University, Professor Bokkiu Liah, said that not only was Minister Wong’s thinking revolutionary for political science, but it will also spawn a new field of philosophy.

“People have always believed that ideals are … well, ideal," said Professor Liah. " They are pure best-case scenarios, and can’t be changed. Minister Wong has created a new way of thinking by posing the fundamental question of human life - If ideals can be changed, then, well, are they ideal?”

More Civil Servants Choose MBA Route
by Phoenix Klaw

Some Singaporeans are keeping their spirits up in spite of the recession. A new study by Singapore headhunting firm, Pee-Ass-See, has revealed a trend among Singapore’s civil service elite. Already armed with degrees from famous overseas universities, civil servants are now further upgrading their skills by pursuing Masters in Business Administration degrees from prestigious overseas universities. The study reveals that the trickle is gathering momentum, and numbers are increasing each year.

Releasing the study, Pee-Ass-See Principal Bong Faw Laif said, “We found that there were three top reasons for Singapore civil servants to get an MBA. First, after years pushing paper around, civil servants discovered that they have no skills. So, an MBA course provides training in areas such as Maths, presentation and problem-solving – skills which civil servants don’t have. Second, the prestige factor. Civil servants have seen that in the New Economy, they need an MBA to succeed. Look at the example of the leader of FreeWorld.com, Dubya Bush. Though he is stupid and can’t tell China from Latin America, he could get an MBA from a top American Business School, and has become one of the most powerful CEOs in the world. Third, the envy/fear factor. Once one civil servant leaves to get an MBA, it was inevitable that others will follow.”

Mr Bong added that Pee-Ass-See plans to develop this last finding into a full-fledged theory, to be called the Pee-Ass-See Green Theory. It is the latest example of the fully-evolved response of high flyers who have climbed the civil service system without proving themselves and by simply getting more certificates.

Trying to verify the study, Talkingcock.com did a search around overseas business schools, and conducted several interviews.

“Boh pian lah,” pleaded Lef De Contery, currently studying in Colombia Business School, the top ranking school in Latin America. “I was with the Ministry of Internal Trade for six years. Do you think I learned anything there besides kissing ass?”

But Mr Decontery had one good thing to say about the civil service. “Drafting all those press releases and speeches, I am now getting high marks in Corporate Strategy. Bullshitting is a transferable skill.”

Asked how they are paying their expensive fees, Wu Mah Nee from Mishgen Business School said, “With the high pay from the civil service, we were able to pay the fees ourselves. Didn’t even have to take a student loan, like other students. Good thing they didn’t adjust civil service salary, even though we are in a recession.”

However, there were others who were doing their MBAs on civil service scholarships. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one said that he was planning to break his bond without serving a day. “I am aiming to get another high-paying job in consulting or investment banking, so that I can pay off my bond. But economy not very good now. So, just in case I can’t find a private sector job, at least I can go back to the civil service. There are some high-flying civil servants with MBAs, you know … even though they don’t need it.”

Another person replying through anonymous e-mail from a Husk Business School website wrote: “Before I came to b-school, I was working in the prison service. So that I can bluff them, I am taking a few courses on psychology of people who buy pirated CDs.”

Ai Was Dum, a student at Taiwan’s Wah Tun Business School said, “So many of my friends who took government scholarships with me have left to get MBAs. I scared lah. I may lose my job when I am 45 years old, you know. One day they my boss how? Like that very pai seh.”

The departures have drawn a range of responses from those who decided to remain behind.

Explaining his decision to stay, Mr. Hee Poh Crit asserted, “You mad or what? I was born to be a dependable scholar and loyal civil servant, not to be courageous and creative.”

Said Ms. Soh Ah Grep, “From my long years of experience, people who leave the civil service haven’t done very well. I don’t add much value, don’t know very much, but earn a six-figure salary. I mean, can the private sector beat that?”