CIVIL SERVANTS COME TO THE AID OF INFERTILE SINGAPOREANS - LITERALLY
by K.K. Cheow

As part of on-going efforts to meet our looming population crisis, the government has decided to render assistance to couples who desperately want to have babies, but are unable to.

"I think it's only natural that the first people we should help are those who are actively trying to do their duty but through no fault of their own, cannot," said Mr. Pak Chew Cheng, spokesman for the Working Committee on Marriage and Procreation, at a briefing to civil servants yesterday.

"After having studied the situation greatly, we feel that there is a definite role for the government to play," smiled Mr. Pak. "And we don't mean just half-measures such as subsidizing fertility treatment, or allowing greater deductions from Medisave.  In the spirit of our earlier measure of giving insemination leave to civil servants, we want to contribute in a very real and meaningful way to these patriotic citizens."

"So starting in January," said Mr. Pak, "All able-bodied male civil servants will be placed on insemination duty.  We will visit the homes of barren couples, and personally donate our seed. We are pleased to unveil today our publicity video of this groundbreaking scheme."

On the screen, a video started up to the tune of Cole Porter's song, "Let's Do It". On it, a strapping young civil servant (identified by the subtitles as "Wah Kan Lee, Ministry of Defence") emerges from a lift and knocks on the door of an HDB flat.  The door is answered by a nervous looking man, who says, "Thank goodness you've come!"

Mr. Wah chuckles and says, "Not yet. But I will. And when I do, it'll make all the difference."

The young man laughs, and gestures at the bedroom.  "My wife is in there, waiting."

Mr. Wah, with a twinkle in his eye, says, "I'll take it from here. Don't worry - I'm a PSC Overseas Merit Scholar.  You'll get good genes. Guaranteed." And closes the bedroom door. Tears of relief and gratitude stream down the man's face as he silently mouths, "Thank you." 

In the meantime, the music swells to a climax and the words form on the screen: "Singapore: Doing It Together".

Mr. Pak then announced that in return for their yeoman's duty, contributing civil servants (henceforth known as "Spermanent Secretaries" or "Spermsacs"), will each receive an annual crate of top grade American ginseng, completely free.  He then said that if this pilot scheme is received well, the government will be involving women civil servants in an analogous programme.

Most of the private citizens we polled were enthusiastic about the scheme.

"My wife can't wait," said Mr. Boh Lat Leow, 41. "We've already put in a request for a Ministry of Law Spermsac, because we've always wanted our child to be a lawyer."

Mrs. Boey Seh Kiah, 38, agreed. "It's this sort of visionary scheme that makes me proud to be Singaporean.  When so many other people round the world talk about how their governments are screwing them, you realise that you just can't beat Singapore."

Said Mr. Chee Koh Pek, a systems analyst, "I have no doubt this will be a success and I very much look forward to the involvement of women civil servants. Very. Much."

Mr. Pak, however, wished to sound a note of caution. "This is a monumental social exercise which will have significant repercussions.  I want the country to know that the Working Committee intends to watch very carefully what happens."

NUS Students Told That A Brainless Mind-Numbing Future Awaits
by Coq Au Vin

At the National University of Singapore convocation ceremony, changed at the last minute to the Commencement Ceremony, then changed again just before the ceremony started to the Thank-God-We're-Rid-Of-Them Ceremony, the Chancellor of the University, after handing out the degree scrolls, gave a speech that told the assembled graduates of the challenges they would face in the future.

"Now you are ready to go into the outside world," the Chancellor said grandly as he stared at the crowd before him, "Now you are ready to show the world what 16 years of rote-learning, of regurgitating ten year series and idiot's guides to the works of Shakespeare can get you. Now you are ready to dream the Singaporean Dream."

The graduates started taking copious notes.

"As I look out among these blur blur faces staring back at me, I am confident of one thing: that you will be able to contribute to society like the drones we have made you. Soon you will be bank tellers, administration clerks, and - dare we even hope? - human resource managers."

He continued, "You will go forth and discover the mindless, brain-numbing jobs that await you, the joyless existences of your colleagues, the isolating emptiness of a life devoted simply to a single goal of making lots and lots of lui."

There was a ripple of cheering from the assembly.

"We have prepared you for nothing else. We have made sure that you have had absolutely no fun as you made the transition from adolescence to middle age. We are proud of you, proud that even in the midst of all this soul-sucking vacuum that is this modern world, you have been bred not to give a shit."

The Chancellor concluded his speech with a heartfelt thank you, then proceeded to go behind the stage and whack his head repeatedly on the concrete wall. Later, when asked what he thought the Chancellor meant by the Singaporean Dream, Mr Luan Luan Lai, a graduate of the Business Administration faculty said, "I'm not very sure, ah, but I think it involves broadband."

Robbers Break Into Music in Tampines Mall
by Coq Au Vin

Policemen answered a silent alarm in Tampines Mall, indicating a break-in, only to become embroiled in a life-and-death song and dance routine with the robbers.

The battle between the two groups, both sides heavily cheoreographed, trading musical cues and almost evenly matched in the complexity of their moves, lasted nearly two hours.

The stand-off began at about 2 a.m. when the silent alarm was received at the Geyland Division Headquarters Operations Room.

Immediately the officer on duty rushed to inform the nearest patrol cars, singing over the radio to the tune of "These Are A Few Of My Favourite Things": 

"Everyone listen up, this is the real thing
Finish your night snack and drink up your teh ping
Everyone hurry up - come one come all
There's been a break-in at Tampines Mall!"

The call would set the tone for the rest of the evening. Three patrol cars were dispatched to the scene, the six officers happening upon the six robbers as they were smashing display windows and taking whatever their hands could carry.

One robber, whom police surmised to be the ringleader, was shouting out orders to the tune of "Climb Every Mountain": 

"Smash every shopfront 
Grab all the loot 
If the mata find us 
Then we all tio hoot!"

Almost immediately, the battle was joined, the robbers displaying incredibly fancy foot-work as they attempted to escape.

Leaps in the air were reported, as well as some moves that would definitely not be allowed in a proper dance competition.

"It was definitely dirty dancing," Sergeant Lam Ba Dah, one of the officers involved, said later, "They were doing all these non-regulation, sexy dance moves. We had to fight back the best we could, but within the rules."

Turning the tide, it was Corporal Jin Tua Seah who countered with a show-stopping chorus that drove the robbers back, to the tune of "The Sound of Music":

"The streets are alive with the sound of sirens
That echo you hear is the police force
Our backup's arrived and you'll all be silenced
So give up now you chow char bors!"

Faced with the imminent possibility of more officers arriving to combat them with close-harmony singing, the robber leader gave up, singing a heart-rending verse to the tune of "You Are Sixteen":

"You have caught us - please stop singing
We will give up, OK?
It's enough to start it raining
It's worse than Karaoke!"

The robbers eventually surrended to a nattily dressed chorus of arriving police officers, tenors at the ready.

Thankfully, there were no casualties, although two officers and a robber were treated for shock. Police Commissioner Mah Tah Chia commented, "The situation would have been much worse if not for the choir preperation we give our men for just such an eventuality."

He then broke into song, to the tune of "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?":

"How do you solve a musical misdemeanor?
We have a secret we will share, my friend
How do you solve a musical misdemeanor?
Make sure you're singing worse then them!"

Project Work Makes Students Mature Faster
by K.K. Cheow

The Ministry of Education has issued a report showering praise on the move by schools to make project work a compulsory mode of assessment, citing evidence that school children are maturing much faster as a result.

"I think it's very clear that since we implemented project work, our kids are growing at an incredible pace," said Mr. Kee Oh Tng, principal of Bukit Gorblok Primary as he pointed at a student. "I mean, take Ah Seng over there... just last year, he was a small, weedy little fellow, typical of most Primary One students.  Then this year, he's completely shot up.  He must be, what, five foot eight now? And he's even got a five o'clock shadow."

Mrs. Mai Tak Chek, senior assistant at Hentakaki Primary, agreed. "The girls this year are extremely buxom for their age.  And a lot say they can't do P.E. because it's that time of the month."

"I saw one of my students the other day use a handphone to trade stocks," said Ms. Peggy Sekolah, a mathematics teacher at Sibay Ulu Primary.

"This is irrefutable proof that project work really does spur the kids onto maturity much faster," said Ministry of Education spokesman. "And what's interesting is that it started when we began policing the kids' project work more, to ensure that parents weren't secretly 'helping' them. So it shows that once parents let kids do things on their own, they can achieve so much."

Pian Laoshi, a primary two St. Jude's Primary School student whose project on Third World debt forgiveness got the highest marks in the school this year, confirmed this in a deep baritone voice. "Really, I..., uh, my father never help me with my project work one." 

Pian's father, a global economic analyst with Price Waterhouse, could not be reached for comment. However, many of his fellow classmates were eager to chip in.

"Honest, our parents don't interfere because they want us to learn by ourselves," said Chin Chao Kah, who at eight, has a magnificent moustache.  "They are only concerned with our growth, and are not obsessed by grades.  You can ask my father... when he comes back from his long overseas business trip sometime after the PSLE."