SAF Acquires Pokémon, Sparking Controversy in Malaysian Media
by Pika Cheow

Hot on the heels of its purchase of 100 AIM-120C medium-range air-to-air missiles, the Singapore Armed Forces is beefing up its arsenal with, amongst other things, a Charizard, a Bulbasaur, a Blastoise, a Golduck and several Pikachus.

Said Deputy Prime Minister and Defence Minister Tony Tan at a MINDEF press briefing today, "The entire point of the SAF has been to ensure the safety of our country.  And to achieve this, we believe bold, strategic measures are necessary, including the regular acquisition of the most up-to-date technology and weaponry."

"In this regard," continued Minister Tan. "MINDEF has evaluated a wide range of ordnance and has concluded that the most cost-effective option is to purchase an array of Pokémon from Nintendo Munitions Nippon."

DPM Tan then unveiled some of the highlights of the SAF's purchases:

"The list here is just a start," said DPM Tan. "We will continue to catch 'em all."

DPM Tan then began to explain the SAF's decision to use fictitious, super-powered animals over regular armaments, "Pokémon deliver great value for money because they also evolve. This will save greatly when it comes to upgrading our arsenal."

The SAF's Pokémon purchase has already ignited controversy in the region.

For example, Malay-language Utusan Malaysia's headline last week screamed, "Singapore Pokes Us Again", which provoked a flurry of critical statements in the Malaysian media.

Many commentators expressed concern about this sparking an arms race in the region, with some of the more outspoken columnists casting doubt on Singapore's real aims.

"I think the whole of Asean has every right to be suspicious about Singapore," said Kepala bin Sakit, a columnist for the Kuala Lumpar Star. "If you notice, the SAF has purchased far more attack Pokémon than defensive ones.  Why so many Jolteons?  I notice they didn't even buy one Dratini or Chansey."

Tidak bin Benar also wrote in Thursday's edition of the Johor Bodoh Post that "a number of Johorean residents reported a squadron of Golbats flying over their houses, causing them great fear and annoyance."

The Malaysian Defence Ministry seems to confirm in part that the Malaysian military is reacting to the SAF's Pokémon purchase.

Said spokesperson General Perang bin Saudara, "We too are in the process of upgrading our defence capabilities, by making strategic acquisitions of Digimon, including several Garurumon, a Greymon and an Angemon, all of whom can digivolve."

SAT 1 Expected To Produce SH1T In 3 Years
by K.K. Cheow

In three more years, the SAT 1 test will reflect more Singaporean strengths, said the Centre for Assessments and Tests (CAT) yesterday.

"We concede that the SAT 1 is too American-centric at the moment," said CAT spokesman Mr. Mah Ger Toh. "And we intend to adapt the test to make it reflect our educational standards more."

The SAT, which stands for Scholastic Assessment Test, will also be renamed the Singapore Honours 1st-class Test, or SH1T.

"The whole point of using the SAT is to test the reasoning skills of prospective undergraduates and thus raise standards for entry into our universities," said Mr. Mah. "We adopted the SAT because it's the dominant measure for entry into American universities.  However, we acknowledge that it has its shortcomings, especially relevance to Singapore's specific context."

"We've formed a special committee with NUS and NTU to adapt the SAT," continued Mr. Mah. "The joint committee will be known as the Assessment Network of Universities in Singapore.  We expect ANUS to produce the SH1T in three years."

Mr. Mah was also asked why Singapore seems to need an additional barrier to entry into our universities.  

After all, the US actually considers the SAT a necessary evil rather than an aim in itself, as it lacks a country-wide standardized exam such as the 'O' or 'A' levels in England.  The SAT thus helps navigate between the varying standards of exams which are set independently by various US high schools. So why do Singaporeans need to do the SAT when they are already burdened with a standardized exam in the form of the 'A' levels?

"In order to meet the demands of the global economy," said Mr. Mah. "We need to be exposed to more than one point of view. And this is the same for tests."

"Our long-term aim is to make all Singaporean students sit for every single standardized exam in the world, not just the 'A' levels and SAT," beamed Mr. Mah. "In an ideal world, Singaporeans will also sit for entrance exams for Tokyo, Johannesburg and the Sorbonne."

"We feel that all these tests will benefit our economy," said Mr. Mah. "Not just in producing globally-competent workers, but because the economy will receive a direct injection from all the private testing centres that will be set up in Singapore to help our kids mug."

After this article went to press, Mr. Mah announced that he was leaving the CTA to set up a Singapore franchised branch of a large US SAT test centre cum consultancy.  "In order to help make sure that Singapore students perform superlatively in the test," explained Mr Mah, "It is necessary that I make a pile of money."

Marriage Solemnisation Industry To Be Fully Liberalised
by Lay Mong Chi 

Ever wanted to solemnise a marriage? Soon you can. 

The marriage solemnisation industry will be fully liberalised in January 2001, a move that has taken many within the industry by surprise. 

From the start of next year, the Ministry of Community Development and Sports (MCDS) will do away with licencing for marriage registrars. 

All that prospective registrars need to do is submit their name and IC number to the MCDS, and they then can then solemnise marriages to their hearts content. 

"Since 1989, couples have been able to have Justices of the Peace solemnise their marriages outside of the Registry of Marriages in Fort Canning", explained MCDS spokesman Mr Kong Chiao Wei. "Since then, we have opened this industry even further. There are currently over 800 licenced solemnisers, and they are not just JPs, but also pastors, temple monks, and grassroots leaders." 

"Now we are going to liberalise the marriage solemnisation industry completely; really open it up to full market competition", Mr Kong added. "The result, we expect, will be a dramatic increase in creativity and innovation by registrars, with better service and lower prices to consumers." 

The similarity of the new registrar registration rules to those of the Speakers Corner is not a coincidence. Mr Kong also announced that Bras Basah Park would now be called Wedding Corner. Just as anyone can stand on a soapbox and make speeches at Speakers Corner after submitting their name, at Wedding Corner, any new registrar can set up a makeshift booth and solemnise marriages there. 

"Bras Basah Park is an ideal site in many ways", explained Mr Kong. "Like the ROM, it's close to many photo locations popular with married couples--Chijmes, Boat Quay, the Suntec City fountain, and so on. Even Botanic Gardens is not too far off. So couples can continue as before to get married and then go take photos all over the place without having to travel far." 

Members of the public who were surveyed said they were mildly surprised by the announcements, but welcomed them. "The signs have been there for some time", said Ms Kiam Chai Yah, a medical student. "There have been several recent articles in the media encouraging to take their vows outside the ROM, perhaps at home, or in unusual venues like a museums or art gallery. This is the logical next step. Now my fiance and I don't even have to wait for a licenced solemniser to be free; we'll just get one of our friends to do it instead. Very fun." 

In agreement was Mr Bai Chee Fan, a webmaster in a dotcom company. "In a high-tech, fast-paced, new-economy society like Singapore, we cannot afford to be held back by old-fashioned traditions. Like the liberalisations of telecommunications and broker commissions, this one is long overdue. Now finally, I can be married by one of my hip office kakis instead of some monotone-voiced drone at the ROM or some sah kah tsua grassroots leader. Besides, I don't have a life outside of work anyway, so it's quite appropriate. Of course, we'll webcast the whole thing." 

But not everyone is happy about the new policy, especially industry insiders. 

"The Government has been opening up the MarSol industry in recent years, but we never expected it to be liberalised to this extent", said Mr Chap Sar Tiam, one of the five registrars at the ROM. "Despite the licencing of external registrars, the ROM has always been the de facto official venue. For decades, we were the only real 'wedding corner' in the minds of many couples. Clearly, our business will be adversely affected, not just by the new, minimal regulations, but also by the naming of a new official Wedding Corner." 

Also unhappy about the new regulations was Ms Boh Chio Boo, a matchmaking executive at the Social Development Unit. "We've just spent a lot of money building our annex next to our Stevens Road office. The bungalow was to be a one-stop wedding centre, but it will now probably be underutilised because when we built it, usage predictions was based on the old policies." 

"Perhaps the Government could compensate us and other established players for our loss of business and the adjustments we have to make as a result of the unexpected liberalisation of our industry", Ms Boh added.

MCDS's Mr Kong would not comment on the suggestion for compensation, but he expressed sympathy for the difficulties faced by the ROM and SDU, as well as the current licenced registrars. 

"Unfortunately, you cannot make an or-luah without frying some oysters. The immediate liberalisation of marriage solemnisation is necessary to deal with Singapore's falling fertility rate, which is currently 1.5 children per couple--far below replacement rate. Thus it is imperative that we allow couples to get married as quickly and easily as possible, and this opening up of the MarSol industry is designed to address the problem directly. We expect a boost in fertility rates from next year onwards." 

When asked by this reporter why the Government believed more marriages would necessarily lead to a rise in the fertility rate, or why couples couldn't have children outside of marriage, Mr Kong stared back blankly, apparently unable to understand the question. "I...don't get...what you're asking", said Mr Kong, continuing, "I'm sorry, but you've completely lost me. In fact, I'm not sure that I or anyone else in the Government can even grasp the concepts contained within."

In an effort to publicise the plight of jailed former Malaysian deputy prime minister Anwar Ibrahim, his supporters have engaged the services of Spin Doctors from America.

Spin Doctors, a New York-based 'jam' band, are best known for their hits in the early 90s, "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" and "Two Princes". Their eclectic, infectious debut album Pocket Full of Kryptonite scaled the charts, selling more than six million copies across the globe.

"We believe we have to use mass dissemination tactics to highlight the injustices that we believe have been heaped on Anwar and Malaysia," said Mr. Dengar bin Popmuzik, a spokesman for 'Free Anwar Now' (FAN).  "And pop music has the kind of reach we want."

Under a deal for an undisclosed sum, the Spin Doctors will craft a series of songs about Mr. Anwar, which will be played in gigs on the K.L. club circuit.

At a press conference in Singapore, Chris Barron, the goateed lead singer of Spin Doctors said, "The songs are going to have that wild mix of groove and hardness that our fans crave, plus a little of that spicy Malaysian flava."

"Like this little tune," said Barron as the Doctors launched into an impromptu concert. "It's called 'Pudu Blues', which goes a little like this... a-satu, a-dua, a-satu, dua, tiga, empat!"

Pudu blues,
I've got them Pudu blues,
Baby
They put me in the prison
Without any reason
Put me under arres'
For some spunk on a mattress
Said I did sodomy,
But I'm no bodoh, me
So free me now,
Free me now
Cepat lah!
Baby

When asked why they had chosen Spin Doctors, who haven't really had any significant chart success in the last nine years, Mr. Dengar bin Popmuzik replied, "We chose them on the basis of a wide number of factors, including cost, lyrical prowess, cost, the ability to play live, cost, accessibility, cost and... did I say cost?"

"Besides," continued Mr. Dengar. "Our first choice, Scorpions, wasn't available."

Journalists Told To Retain Water, Butterflies
by Coq Au Vin

A successful hacking attempt by an unknown party into the ASEAN Press Association annual dinner's computer systems led guest of honour Deputy Minister for Community Development and Sports Abdullah Tarboleh, to remind journalists, among other things, to retain water and butterflies. 

"The really strange part was," said a Singaporean journalist who begged us not to mention his name, "Nobody seemed to notice, most of all the Minister himself." 

"I will read anything that is placed in front me," the Minister intoned solemnly as the words scrolled by on the teleprompter, "I am wearing no underwear and my feet are smelly. Portraits of the Queen are banned in Wellington gee this is fun he's really doing it. My God, how condemn." 

As the drunken group of journalists nodded and said, "hear hear," after every other sentence, concentrating more on their gins and tonics rather than the speech, the Minister went on to his key point. 

"Journalists must retain water and butteflies in an ever-changing environment of information," said the Minister. "Even though my cat has no nose. How does it smell? Awful. You must grab the durian by the thorns and know that whatever you say doesn't matter because elephants are invading Afghanistan and there will be light scattered showers falling on my head. What does a Minister of Community Development and Sport really have to do with Journalism anyway? I bet I was just invited because Yeo Cheow Tong wasn't available." 

The Minister finished his speech to tumultuous applause and consumed the rest of his dinner looking quite satisfied with the reaction he had gotten. "I am shocked," the Minister said later when told of the technical glitch, "I really didn't know that I was reading absolute gibberish. How embarrassing. I must emphasise, though that blue isn't the colour of tangerines and my earlobes resemble asparagus spikes. That is very handphone mangosteen penguin." 

Police are still investigating. They warn that until these hackers are caught, he may attempt rewriting other Bhai one so long, Indian one very strong, Malay one kena potong and Chinese one like sotong. 

"We must be flamingoes," said the Police Batsignal Commissioner, "We never know when they will strike next."