Toilet Humour (contributed by busybiz)

An Ang Mor went to public toilet one day and was stopped by an Auntie at the entrance.

Auntie : Halo, sei kok. ('Sei kok' is '40 cents' in Cantonese)

Ang Mor was puzzled, and started to unzip to show his cock.

Auntie was shocked : No! Duit, duit! ('Duit' is 'money' in Malay)

Ang Mor found this a bit odd, not to mention gross, but he didn't want to offend her in case this was some local custom. So he climbed onto her and started doing her.

Auntie : Ah, Sakit, sakit. ('Sakit' is Malay for 'pain'.)

By now, Ang Mor was beginning to enjoy himself and started sucking her breast.

Auntie : Song ah, song ah! ("Feels good" in Hokkien)

Finally, Auntie couldn't take it anymore and was dead tired. So she gives Ang Mor the thumbs up and says: Chi dao ma eh cho, eh-sai man! ("You can do it even here, you are really something!")

Ang Mor saw her thumb pointing sidewards to the toilet and replied : " Inside? No thanks, I don't need to use the toilet anymore."

Sala Parking (contributed by Derek Wong)

At Golden Shoe Car Park down the in the business district, a young, attractive lady executive was trying to park her brand new car. After a lot of circling, she spotted an empty lot. However, an old man was standing beside it. Being polite, she stopped her car and asked the old man in her poor Hokkien, "Ah Pek, wu lang pak, boh?" ("Uncle, is there anyone parking here?")

Almost instantly the old man slaps her face, pulls down his pants, displaying his manhood, and yells, "Nah! lum par teh chi tao!" ("Here! My genitals are right here!") 

(explanation for non-Hokkien speakers: "Wu lang pak boh?" sounds a lot like "Wu lum par, boh?" which means, "Do you have genitals?")

The Bottom of the Barrel (contributed by LF)

Where do big-assed Singaporeans live?
Bukit Buttock.

Let's start at the very beginning...

What's the difference between ang-mor and Hokkien fairy tales?

Ang-mor fairy tales begin with: "Once upon a time..."

Hokkien fairy tales begin with: "Lim Peh ka li kong..."

Hokkien riddles (as told to Jangan Tension by Mana Lembek)

How do Hokkien fish laugh?
Hee hee hee (hokkien for fish)

How do Hokkien prawns laugh?
Hae hae hae (hokkien for prawns)

Why is cuttlefish considered kosher to the Hokkiens?
Because it's Jew Her.

How do you know frogs are Hokkien?
Because when it's cold, they go "kwah, kwah, kwah".

B-B-Bustard!

Little Ah Seng had a severe stutter, but his mother felt he had to learn to fend for himself.  So on the first day of school, she made him take the bus on his own.

"It's very easy," she told him. "When you board the bus, just tell the driver: Ah Chek, wah ai kee Tanglin Halt. (I want to go to Tanglin Halt)."

The next day, Ah Seng boarded the bus and told the bus driver: "A-a-ah Ch-ch-chek! W-w-wah ai k-k-kee T-Tanglin H-h-halt!"

However, the bus driver slapped Ah Seng in response.

Ah Seng was shocked, but the next day it happened again.  Ah Seng boarded the bus and saw it was the same bus driver.

Ah Seng again told him: "A-a-ah Ch-ch-chek! W-w-wah ai k-k-kee T-Tanglin H-h-halt!"

And again, the bus driver slapped him.

Ah Seng fled in tears and told his mother, who was quickly incensed.

The next day, Ah Seng's mother followed him on board the bus. True enough, it was the same bus driver.

"Why you hit my son?" she scolded the bus driver.

The driver scowled and retorted: "S-s-si n-n-noong kia, t-t-tup pai j-j-ji seow wah! (Bloody kid, keeps disturbing me!)"

Udderly ridiculous (contributed by Jahatman)

How do you address a Hokkien cow's parents?
Cow peh cow bu.

So this is what goes on at diplomatic summits... (contributed by Darren Ong)

One day, our beloved Senior Minister went to America for a meeting with Bill “Sex Maniac” Clinton. After the meeting, SM Lee approached Bill and asked:

SM Lee: Bill, let me ask you a question.
Bill: About sex?
SM Lee: No, lah! How do you put a giraffe into a fridge?
Bill: Don’t know.
SM Lee: You open the door, shove the giraffe in, then you close it. Now let me ask you another question…how do you add an elephant into the fridge if you can only put one animal in it?
Bill: Open the door, shove the elephant in, and close the door.
SM Lee: No! You open the door, take the giraffe out, then shove the elephant in and close it. Now, if you were on a plane and it was going to crash because it was overloaded, what should you throw out? A VCR, A fridge, or 10 bags that were heavier than the other two added together?
Bill: I should throw myself.
Lee Kuan Yew: Got no parachute, lah!
Bill: Then of course the 10 bags lah!
Lee Kuan Yew: Wrong! The fridge. Because the fridge itself is lighter than the 10 bags but there is an elephant in it…goondu! Now, last one…there was this very beautiful princess by the name of Monica. One day, a witch cast a spell on her. Now anyone who was 100 meters away would die. Then this prince by the name of Bill 
decided to be a hero and save her. Actually he wanted to have sex with her later. But he died 300 meters away. Why?
Bill: Don’t know.
Lee Kuan Yew: Because you throw the fridge on him, mah!

Use Your Noodle: The Strange Saga of Mee Pok (contributed by Princess)

Shoot Out the Lights

Dr. Quek made a routine house call to Mr. Lim, one of his elderly patients. 

He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Lim?" Mr. Lim replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pang jio, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!" 

The doctor is worried that the old man is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers. The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Lim, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on..." 

At which point, Mrs. Lim yells, "Ah Seng! Ah Pa is peeing in the refrigerator again!"

But It's What We're Praying For (contributed by welconz)

There were four buddhist monks who played instruments and chanted everyday.

One fine morning, a lady in a mini skirt went into the temple to pray. When the lady knelt down to pray, one of the chanting monks saw the lady tsao k'ng (i.e. exposing herself accidentally).

The monk was shocked to see that the woman was not wearing any panties! He felt he had to share this valuable insight with his fellow monks, but also did not wish to alert the lady.

So he began chanting the message: "Wu lang bo chin nai ko....(Someone's not wearing panties...)" 

The monk beside him was playing a tambourine, and he thumped this response: "Ti-to-lok, ti-to-lok (Where? Where?)"

The third monk, playing a horn, replied: "Duuu... Duuu........(There! There!)"

Finally, the last and the most  righteous monk, sounded his cymbals in disgust: "Ti ti kua... ti ti kua! (Still peeping! Still peeping!)" 

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